Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Mooseman
Moderator
You might find this confusing ……
but on the other hand!
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Nothing special, just a blonde parking an automatic !!
but on the other hand!
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Nothing special, just a blonde parking an automatic !!
Mooseman
Moderator
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, ….
(this is going to hurt - read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, ….
(this is going to hurt - read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Check out the center panel on the bottom row. Proof IKEA is older than you probably think.
with elections around the corner...
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Mooseman
Moderator
I just love a well written police report 
northcreek
Member
xavierny25
Member
Another Henny Youngman Joke:
A Man Bragging about his Hearing Aid tells his Friend,
“Of all the Hearing Aids I got… THIS One is THE BEST…. It cost me 15 Hunned Dollahs…!”
His Friend asked him, “What Kind is IT?”
He said, “Half Past Four...”
A Man Bragging about his Hearing Aid tells his Friend,
“Of all the Hearing Aids I got… THIS One is THE BEST…. It cost me 15 Hunned Dollahs…!”
His Friend asked him, “What Kind is IT?”
He said, “Half Past Four...”
Mooseman
Moderator
This is either The SpongeBob SquarePants Emergency N95 Medical Mask... or he just tried to take his Pants off over his Head:
How would you use the word "Beholden" in a sentence?
Back in the Winter of 1944 in France, two American G.I.s were huddled down in a Fox hole with their Squad and during a pause in the shelling and the falling snow when one Soldier asked the other…
“So…. Do you ever hear from your Sister from Back Home at all…?”
The other replied, “Nope. She’s too busy being in The Army ...like us...”
The First G.I. asked, “What do mean? You mean … She’s in the WAC? (Women’s Army Corps)
The 2nd G.I. replied with sincerity, “No...No..She's like us… You Know… In the Regular Army...”
The 1st Soldier tilted his helmet back a bit and asked, “Now How in the Hell can THAT be...?”
The 2nd Soldier said, “Well... She just straps her Chest down and Tucks her Hair up… Right?”
The 1st G.I. retorted, “Yeah but what about taking Showers? She’d be Naked... Long Hair all Down!”
Finally the Second Soldier smiled and laughed and said, “Yeah...For Sure… But Whose Gonna Tell…?”
“So…. Do you ever hear from your Sister from Back Home at all…?”
The other replied, “Nope. She’s too busy being in The Army ...like us...”
The First G.I. asked, “What do mean? You mean … She’s in the WAC? (Women’s Army Corps)
The 2nd G.I. replied with sincerity, “No...No..She's like us… You Know… In the Regular Army...”
The 1st Soldier tilted his helmet back a bit and asked, “Now How in the Hell can THAT be...?”
The 2nd Soldier said, “Well... She just straps her Chest down and Tucks her Hair up… Right?”
The 1st G.I. retorted, “Yeah but what about taking Showers? She’d be Naked... Long Hair all Down!”
Finally the Second Soldier smiled and laughed and said, “Yeah...For Sure… But Whose Gonna Tell…?”
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A Serious Drunk visiting a Small Tavern in a strange city leans hard against the Bar and after waving the Bar Tender over to him, Yells Out, “HEY FOLKS… DRINKS ALL AROUND…!!!”… and emphasizes, “YOU TOO, BAR TENDER...”
Soon after he finishes his Free Shot of Whiskey, the Bar Tender tells the Drunk Patron, “Okay Buddy...That’ll be Sixty Eight Bucks for Everything….” The Drunk whispers to him sheepishly, “But I Ain’t Got No Money...”. The Bar Tender promptly grabs the Drunk by the scruff of the neck and after marching him out of the Tavern, proceeds with a serious Ass Kicking.
After an hour or so… the very same Drunk barges right back in through the doors and Yells Out, “HEY FOLKS… DRINKS ALL AROUND…!” and immediately turns to the Bar Tender and says, “BUT NONE FOR YOU, PAL…. WHEN YOU DRINK...YOU GET NASTY!”
Soon after he finishes his Free Shot of Whiskey, the Bar Tender tells the Drunk Patron, “Okay Buddy...That’ll be Sixty Eight Bucks for Everything….” The Drunk whispers to him sheepishly, “But I Ain’t Got No Money...”. The Bar Tender promptly grabs the Drunk by the scruff of the neck and after marching him out of the Tavern, proceeds with a serious Ass Kicking.
After an hour or so… the very same Drunk barges right back in through the doors and Yells Out, “HEY FOLKS… DRINKS ALL AROUND…!” and immediately turns to the Bar Tender and says, “BUT NONE FOR YOU, PAL…. WHEN YOU DRINK...YOU GET NASTY!”
The Judge: “Will BOTH Counsels approach the Bench...” The Two Lawyers looked surprised at each other and soon arrived within whispering distance for the Judge’s Side Bar...
The Judge: “All Right, Gentleman… Will BOTH of you tell me What The Hell is Going On HERE?”
The State’s Attorney: “Well… Your Honor… the information we had was that Mr. Green WAS an actual Eye Witness to this event… and the Defendant, Ms. Arbor WAS in the Driver’s Seat and there WAS Property Damage, Your Honor...”
The Judge: “...and from the Counsel for the Defense… What the Hell is YOUR Story...”
The Defendant’s Attorney, “Well Your Honor… The State HAS Failed to prove the Elements of their Case, Judge… No one actually saw Ms. Arbor Driving… and if “The Scene” is supposed to be right in front of Mr. Green’s Home… The vehicle involved WAS and still remains PARKED… So I’m not certain HOW we got here with ‘Leaving the Scene of an Accident’...Your Honor...”
The Judge: “Ms. Arbor… Are you willing to Testify on your own behalf in this Case…with the approval of your Counsel, of course... so we can clear this matter up…?”
The Defendant: “Certainly, Your Honor...”
The Judge: “Bailiff… Swear the Defendant ...and let’s get this over with...”
The Bailiff swears in Ms. Arbor and she takes The Stand.
The Judge: “Ms Arbor… Were you Driving the Car in Question on the night of this incident?”
The Defendant: “No, Your Honor… I had decided to go out Late to meet up with some friends and just after I opened the Car door and sat down to check on my make up…. BAM…. This Tree comes out of NOWHERE ...and Runs right into the Front of my Car… I could NOT Believe it...!”
The Judge turns to the Bailiff as an aside, “...and Neither can I...”
The Judge to the Court: “Thank You, Ms. Arbor… You may Step Down… All right Gentlemen… I’ve considered all of the Facts, Testimony and Evidence in this Case… and while I’m inclined to Dismiss the Charges outright against this Defendant based upon the fact that The State has neither provided convincing Eye Witness Testimony ...nor even proved The Elements of much of the Alleged Traffic Charges… I’ve decided instead to reduce these Traffic Charges to Civil Misdemeanors of “Planting Trees Out of Season” and Fine Ms. Arbor $150.00 Plus Court Costs and Restitution to Mr. Green for the Second Misdemeanor of the “Unauthorized Removal of Trees… Out of Season”. The Defendant should immediately see the Bailiff. This Case is CLOSED...”
The Judge: “All Right, Gentleman… Will BOTH of you tell me What The Hell is Going On HERE?”
The State’s Attorney: “Well… Your Honor… the information we had was that Mr. Green WAS an actual Eye Witness to this event… and the Defendant, Ms. Arbor WAS in the Driver’s Seat and there WAS Property Damage, Your Honor...”
The Judge: “...and from the Counsel for the Defense… What the Hell is YOUR Story...”
The Defendant’s Attorney, “Well Your Honor… The State HAS Failed to prove the Elements of their Case, Judge… No one actually saw Ms. Arbor Driving… and if “The Scene” is supposed to be right in front of Mr. Green’s Home… The vehicle involved WAS and still remains PARKED… So I’m not certain HOW we got here with ‘Leaving the Scene of an Accident’...Your Honor...”
The Judge: “Ms. Arbor… Are you willing to Testify on your own behalf in this Case…with the approval of your Counsel, of course... so we can clear this matter up…?”
The Defendant: “Certainly, Your Honor...”
The Judge: “Bailiff… Swear the Defendant ...and let’s get this over with...”
The Bailiff swears in Ms. Arbor and she takes The Stand.
The Judge: “Ms Arbor… Were you Driving the Car in Question on the night of this incident?”
The Defendant: “No, Your Honor… I had decided to go out Late to meet up with some friends and just after I opened the Car door and sat down to check on my make up…. BAM…. This Tree comes out of NOWHERE ...and Runs right into the Front of my Car… I could NOT Believe it...!”
The Judge turns to the Bailiff as an aside, “...and Neither can I...”
The Judge to the Court: “Thank You, Ms. Arbor… You may Step Down… All right Gentlemen… I’ve considered all of the Facts, Testimony and Evidence in this Case… and while I’m inclined to Dismiss the Charges outright against this Defendant based upon the fact that The State has neither provided convincing Eye Witness Testimony ...nor even proved The Elements of much of the Alleged Traffic Charges… I’ve decided instead to reduce these Traffic Charges to Civil Misdemeanors of “Planting Trees Out of Season” and Fine Ms. Arbor $150.00 Plus Court Costs and Restitution to Mr. Green for the Second Misdemeanor of the “Unauthorized Removal of Trees… Out of Season”. The Defendant should immediately see the Bailiff. This Case is CLOSED...”
Three Dudes suddenly arrive in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven and while they were waiting in line (Yup… using Social Separation and their Blue N95 Masks) they began passing the time in conversation.
The First Dude asked, “Well… How did you all get here?”
The Second Dude said, “Well … I had a Bad Heart Attack… and Here I am...”
The Third Dude replied, “Well… I got hit head on by a Semi-Truck… and Here I am...”
Then they both asked the Same Question of the First Dude.
The First Dude replied kind of sheepishly, “Well… I had kind of a Senus Problem.”
The Second Dude asked, “Senus Problem…? Don’t you mean Sinus Problem…?”
The First Dude replied… “Well No… You see, my Best Friend’s Wife and I were in their Bed… and he Seen Us...”
The First Dude asked, “Well… How did you all get here?”
The Second Dude said, “Well … I had a Bad Heart Attack… and Here I am...”
The Third Dude replied, “Well… I got hit head on by a Semi-Truck… and Here I am...”
Then they both asked the Same Question of the First Dude.
The First Dude replied kind of sheepishly, “Well… I had kind of a Senus Problem.”
The Second Dude asked, “Senus Problem…? Don’t you mean Sinus Problem…?”
The First Dude replied… “Well No… You see, my Best Friend’s Wife and I were in their Bed… and he Seen Us...”
Space Monkeys
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer, NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!” At that, the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “ This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!” At that, the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…” At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer, NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!” At that, the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “ This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!” At that, the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…” At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”
The SOLUTION:
If you’ve ever felt like strangling those loud-mouthed cell phone users who always seem to sit near you in a restaurant or other public places, here’s a lesson on how to combat this display of bad manners. After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking loudly: “Hi, sweetheart, it’s Eric. I’m on the train…yes, I know it’s the six-thirty and not the four-thirty but I had a long meeting…no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss…no, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life…yes, I’m sure, cross my heart,” and on and on. Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly when the young woman sitting next to him, obviously angered by his diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”
If you’ve ever felt like strangling those loud-mouthed cell phone users who always seem to sit near you in a restaurant or other public places, here’s a lesson on how to combat this display of bad manners. After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking loudly: “Hi, sweetheart, it’s Eric. I’m on the train…yes, I know it’s the six-thirty and not the four-thirty but I had a long meeting…no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss…no, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life…yes, I’m sure, cross my heart,” and on and on. Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly when the young woman sitting next to him, obviously angered by his diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”
This under "free" in Craigslist today:
Free Air Guitar
Free air guitar. Breezy addition. One size fits most. Easily customizable. Lightweight and easy to carry. Fits standard overhead compartment requirements for easy travel. Willing to trade for air drums.
Local pick up only.
Free Air Guitar
Free air guitar. Breezy addition. One size fits most. Easily customizable. Lightweight and easy to carry. Fits standard overhead compartment requirements for easy travel. Willing to trade for air drums.
Local pick up only.
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
