northcreek
Member
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
from readers digest:
My students aren’t afraid to ask questions
“How do you spell toad?” one of my first-grade students asked.
“We just read a story about a toad,” I said, then helped him spell it out: “T-O-A-D.”
Satisfied, he finished writing the story he’d begun, then read it aloud: “I toad my mama I wanted a dog for my birthday.”
My students aren’t afraid to ask questions
“How do you spell toad?” one of my first-grade students asked.
“We just read a story about a toad,” I said, then helped him spell it out: “T-O-A-D.”
Satisfied, he finished writing the story he’d begun, then read it aloud: “I toad my mama I wanted a dog for my birthday.”
from Readers digest:
When our students began raising donations for Child Abuse Prevention Week, the school administration did its part by setting up a collection box outside the principal’s office and displaying a banner by the front door of the lobby. It read “Please give $1 to help stop child abuse in the front office.”
When our students began raising donations for Child Abuse Prevention Week, the school administration did its part by setting up a collection box outside the principal’s office and displaying a banner by the front door of the lobby. It read “Please give $1 to help stop child abuse in the front office.”
Why is it discouraged to tell secrets while at a farm?
Well the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and all the beans talk.
Well the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and all the beans talk.
Mooseman
Moderator
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Mooseman
Moderator
From RockAuto's newsletter this month, November 2019. This is funny if it's someone else and not YOU or me!
Repair Mistakes & Blunders :
I have a 1984 Ford F250 that has been through several owners and needed a lot of things fixed. The turn signals did not work, so I decided to replace the turn signal switch. I crawled under the dash with the driver's door open to discover years of “rewiring.” I found all the wires I needed, and with my voltage tester I found a "hot" 12V wire hanging down that I used to power the new turn signal switch.
After installing the switch, I tested all the signals, checked the taillights and front indicator lights and they all worked great. I hopped in the truck to test drive and noticed nothing worked. I got out with the turn signal lever in the “right turn” mode and saw the front and rear turn signal bulbs were now working. I jumped in, closed the door, and no turn signal again.
After some head-scratching and research, I discovered my “hot" wire was connected to the door switch; the circuit that at one time operated the interior cab light. So every time I would open the door, the switch would receive power and the turn signals would work. Closing the door would turn the power off to the switch.
Next up – fix the speedometer.
Steven in Idaho
Repair Mistakes & Blunders :
I have a 1984 Ford F250 that has been through several owners and needed a lot of things fixed. The turn signals did not work, so I decided to replace the turn signal switch. I crawled under the dash with the driver's door open to discover years of “rewiring.” I found all the wires I needed, and with my voltage tester I found a "hot" 12V wire hanging down that I used to power the new turn signal switch.
After installing the switch, I tested all the signals, checked the taillights and front indicator lights and they all worked great. I hopped in the truck to test drive and noticed nothing worked. I got out with the turn signal lever in the “right turn” mode and saw the front and rear turn signal bulbs were now working. I jumped in, closed the door, and no turn signal again.
After some head-scratching and research, I discovered my “hot" wire was connected to the door switch; the circuit that at one time operated the interior cab light. So every time I would open the door, the switch would receive power and the turn signals would work. Closing the door would turn the power off to the switch.
Next up – fix the speedometer.
Steven in Idaho
Mooseman
Moderator
I wish I could think this quick on a test:
Mooseman
Moderator
The Best Perk You've Had From Your Job (r/AskReddit)
My dad used to work for the city health department, and part of his job was testing daily products for pesticides. Every so often he'd bring home cartons of ice cream that had been tested. He works at the wastewater treatment plant now. He doesn't bring home samples anymore.
My dad used to work for the city health department, and part of his job was testing daily products for pesticides. Every so often he'd bring home cartons of ice cream that had been tested. He works at the wastewater treatment plant now. He doesn't bring home samples anymore.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Did you hear what happened in the stock market today?
Helium was UP; Paper was stationary; Cows steered into a bull market; Pencils lost a few points; Hiking equipment was trailing; Elevators rose; Escalators continued a slow decline; Weights were up in heavy trading; Light switches were off; Mining equipment hit rock bottom; Shipping lines were at an even keel; The market for raisins dried up; Caterpillar stock inched up a bit; and Balloon prices were inflated.
Helium was UP; Paper was stationary; Cows steered into a bull market; Pencils lost a few points; Hiking equipment was trailing; Elevators rose; Escalators continued a slow decline; Weights were up in heavy trading; Light switches were off; Mining equipment hit rock bottom; Shipping lines were at an even keel; The market for raisins dried up; Caterpillar stock inched up a bit; and Balloon prices were inflated.
This is from Rock Auto Dec 2019 newsletter.
Who was thinking at ford on this new and improved two drain plug model?
| Repair Mistakes & Blunders |
My second car was a beautiful white 1993 Ford Thunderbird with the 5.0 liter V8. That car still makes me smile just thinking about it. A great daily driver and cruiser. When it came time for my first oil change, I pulled the drain plug and started to drain the oil as usual. After I pulled the filter and drain pan out, I thought "That's not a lot of oil. I must have been really low." Being happy I saved my engine from certain doom, I I filled it up and gave it a test drive, and immediately knew something was wrong; there was a steady stream of blue smoke coming out of the dual exhaust, and the car felt sluggish. After getting back to the garage and asking my brother what he thought, he said, "Oh, those have two drain plugs, you didn't know?" Uh, no...! I got back under the car and sure enough, there is a front and rear drain plug due to the oil pan straddling the subframe. I must have had at least eight quarts of oil in there! Preparing for the worst, and hating all the oil and money I had wasted, I drained the oil pan (now through both drain plugs) and refilled it with new oil. After carefully checking and rechecking the oil level, all was well. Who knew some cars have two oil drain plugs? Ben in New York |
My old 83 Lincoln Continental (Fox Body) had 2 drain plugs too
Mooseman
Moderator
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You do have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch.
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. I’ll give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen.''
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You do have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch.
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. I’ll give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen.''
Wooluf1952
Member
It was Fords way of keeping the engine low. Instead of putting a tunnel thru the oil pan.This is from Rock Auto Dec 2019 newsletter.
Who was thinking at ford on this new and improved two drain plug model?
Repair Mistakes & Blunders
My second car was a beautiful white 1993 Ford Thunderbird with the 5.0 liter V8. That car still makes me smile just thinking about it. A great daily driver and cruiser. When it came time for my first oil change, I pulled the drain plug and started to drain the oil as usual.
After I pulled the filter and drain pan out, I thought "That's not a lot of oil. I must have been really low." Being happy I saved my engine from certain doom, I I filled it up and gave it a test drive, and immediately knew something was wrong; there was a steady stream of blue smoke coming out of the dual exhaust, and the car felt sluggish. After getting back to the garage and asking my brother what he thought, he said, "Oh, those have two drain plugs, you didn't know?" Uh, no...!
I got back under the car and sure enough, there is a front and rear drain plug due to the oil pan straddling the subframe. I must have had at least eight quarts of oil in there! Preparing for the worst, and hating all the oil and money I had wasted, I drained the oil pan (now through both drain plugs) and refilled it with new oil. After carefully checking and rechecking the oil level, all was well. Who knew some cars have two oil drain plugs?
Ben in New York
What is the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet. Well in the Christmas Alphabet there is noel.
Mooseman
Moderator
A couple, both age 78, went to visit a sex therapist. When they arrived the surprised doctor asked, “What can I do for you folks?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having sex?”
The doctor was confused, but politely agreed to the couple’s request.
After they had finished making love the doctor commented, “I don’t see anything wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50 consultation fee.
The couple returned week after week. Each visit they would ask the doctor to watch them have sex, pay him $50, and leave.
After a few months, the doctor finally commented, “You’ve been visiting me for months now and I see nothing wrong. You both seem passionate, happy, and capable. What exactly are you trying to find out?”
“Nothing,” the man replied. “She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The Holiday Inn charges $100 a night. The Hilton charges $125. If we come here it only costs $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare!”
The man said, “Will you watch us having sex?”
The doctor was confused, but politely agreed to the couple’s request.
After they had finished making love the doctor commented, “I don’t see anything wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50 consultation fee.
The couple returned week after week. Each visit they would ask the doctor to watch them have sex, pay him $50, and leave.
After a few months, the doctor finally commented, “You’ve been visiting me for months now and I see nothing wrong. You both seem passionate, happy, and capable. What exactly are you trying to find out?”
“Nothing,” the man replied. “She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The Holiday Inn charges $100 a night. The Hilton charges $125. If we come here it only costs $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What car does a Proctologist drive? A brown Ford Probe
northcreek
Member
A 80 year old man visits his Doctor and and tells the Doctor that he wants to have his sex drive lowered.
The Doctor says what ? You're 80 and you want to have your sex drive lowered??
That's right the man says, I have it here (pointing to his head) and I want it lowered to here (pointing to his crotch).
The Doctor says what ? You're 80 and you want to have your sex drive lowered??
That's right the man says, I have it here (pointing to his head) and I want it lowered to here (pointing to his crotch).
Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A. A Claustrophobic
Q. Why did the rocket loose his job?
A. He was fired.
A. A Claustrophobic
Q. Why did the rocket loose his job?
A. He was fired.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?
A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef!
A chipmunk!
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing!
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef!