Jokes and Riddles

Mooseman

Moderator
marriage.jpg
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Yessiree! 25 to life sentence. :laugh: You do realize that tools can be used by either sex.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
And he used a Caprice as the cab!
 

MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
Back in the Late 1800s, a man named Jonathan Horkumm was walking though downtown Kansas City, MO, when he spied a Theater Paste-Up Advertisement that read, “SATURDAY…For One Night Only… COME SEE THE AMAZING HORKUMM!”.

So… in the belief that this person might be a Famous, Long Lost Relative from Back East, Jonathan ventured out on that Following Saturday to the local Big Theater midst all of the Pomp and Circumstance of Show Business and a large crowd of on-lookers.

When the curtain finally rose… out wandered a Little Fellow dressed in a Shiny Purple Robe and there he stood just behind a Long Wooden Bench that had Four Large Walnuts laid out in a Row. After much fanfare from the Crowd and The Orchestra, the Little Fellow suddenly opened his Floor Length Robe and stood there completely Naked in front of his Audience.

Abruptly, they responded with Gasps, Oooohs and Aasaahs… as the Man displayed his Privates Parts that befitted those of a Rogue Male Elephant. Suddenly, and without uttering a Word… He grabbed his Giant Member with both hands and while swinging overhead like a Louisville Slugger, one after the other, the Little Man CRUSHED each Walnut into clouds of Brown Powder!

The Crowd responded with enthusiastic Hoots, Hollers and Applause and the Little Fellow promptly tied his Purple Robes, gave a slow, deep bow and ...Exited...Stage Left. After this Jaw Dropping experience the Young Man fled the Theater in shock and awe.

Thirty Years later, Jonathan Horkumm was ambling along the Streets of Kansas City, MO when once again, he spied the similar Advertisement. Somehow, he worked up enough courage to venture out early before “THE AMAZING HORKUMM" would make his follow-on appearance at the same Theater House.

On that very afternoon, Jonathan sneaked inside the place and found himself looking around behind the Asbestos Curtain just as the Very Old and Gnarly Horkumm sitting quietly Back Stage on the same Long Wooden Bench set down in exactly the same spot. But THIS time… in place of the Walnuts, The Old Horkumm was setting down Four Large Coconuts in a Row.

To Jonathan’s great surprise… The Older Horkumm spied and greeted him like he was an Old Friend. They were speaking briefly, when suddenly the younger Horkumm inquired, “Sir… I noticed that in place of the Large Walnuts… You now use these HUGE Coconuts… Why have you changed, Sir?” The Older Horkumm slowly came to his feet, stepped back and with a nodding head and a wave of his hand over the Bench, he wanly whispered, “Sadly My Boy… My Eye Sight is NOT What it USED to Be...”
 

MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
An Old Man was sitting on his porch when he spied a Young Lad trudging up the Dirt Road near his Old Home toting a Big Bundle in his arms. The Curious Old Codger yelled out to the Boy and asked, “Say Kid … Whatch'a got there?” The Lad replied, “Chicken Wire… I’m gonna get me some Chickens...”

The Old Man laughed and retorted, “Don’t be Stupid, You Damned Fool… You Can’t Catch Chickens...With Chicken Wire!” But by then, the Young Man had disappeared over the Hill and was gone. About an hour later, the Old Man caught sight of the same Kid coming right back down the Hill ...dragging his Chicken Wire behind him ...LOADED UP with Nice, Plump Chickens.

The next day, these two had a similar encounter ...but this time, The Old Man saw the same Boy hiding something different in his hands. So he asked, Hey Kid, Whatch'a holding onto there?” The Lad replied, “Duck Tape… I’m gonna catch me some Ducks!” The Old Man laughed even louder and replied, “You Damned Fool, You Can’t Catch any Ducks… With Duck Tape!” But once again, the Young Fellow ignored him and trudged on over the Hill. Some time had passed before the Old man could see the Lad coming right back down the Hill with a whole gaggle of Ducks all taped up in row and marching down the Dirt Road right behind him.

On the Third Day… The Old Man saw the Kid coming right back up the Dusty Road when he asked him, “Say Kid ...Whatch'a got there in your hand?” The Boy replied… “I got me some Pussy Willows...”
But before the Kid could finish, the Old Codger leaped up out of his Rocking Chair and Cane and said, “Wait a Minute Kid… Let Me Get My Hat!!!”
 
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MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
A Beautiful Young Lady who obviously looked like a “Fitness Junkie” caught site of her Small Dog pawing away at it’s ears… so she found a Local Vet and set an appointment to sort the problem out. On that day, the Doctor gave her Lady Canine a tip-top physical examination and determined that the Dog had an excessive Growth of Hair on the undersides of both ears and thus, he explained the issues:

The problem here, Young Lady, is that your Dog is excessively “hirsute” in BOTH of her ear canals and this invites irritation and ear mites to nest inside. The itching sensation can cause her to cry out and scratch and paw away on these areas...”

The startled woman exclaimed, “Goodness… What can I do about this? Is the Treatment very expensive?!”

The DVM smiled and replied, “No...No. You can actually visit your own Local Pharmacy and get a Tube of Depilatory Cream to rub just on the inside of both ear canals and dissolve away the unwanted hair growth. Something like Nair Cream will work just fine… Just apply a little each day inside the ears until the excess hair dissolves away. That should solve the problem. Go lightly with this stuff … because it IS a powerful chemical formulae made just for such problems.

The appreciative Woman paid her Bill and then picked up her Pup and dropped it off at her apartment and then headed over to the nearest Drug Store she could find.

Once inside, she immediately inquired of the Pharmacist as to which Store Aisle she could locate the Nair Cream on their shelves. The Rx Doctor advised, “Oh ...I keep the stuff back here behind the counter, even though its an OTC Medicine….”

The woman asked for Two Tubes of the Stuff and as he was ringing up the sale, the Pharmacist explained, “Look... If you’re going to apply this cream to your Under-Arms… You should avoid Shaving them for at least a week...”

The Woman looked right at him and replied, “I’m not applying it to my under-arms...”

The Pharmacist persisted by suggesting, “Well... If you are going to apply this Cream to your Legs ...follow the same precautions ... and avoid shaving them for at LEAST a week...”

While frowning in disappointment at the man, the Woman offered a final, exasperated reply, “Look... I’m NOT applying it to my Legs…Okay? I’m using it on my Schnauzer...”

The Pharmacist abruptly looked up at the attractive woman and after offering a wan smile, he said. “Well… Just avoid riding your Exercise Bicycle for about 7-10 Days ...and you should be fine...”
 
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Redbeard

Well-Known Member
What this Retired Man has to Say about Life...

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
 

MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
Three Old Men are being interviewed on PBS about their incredible longevity and their Best Moments in Life when the Commentator asked each Man in turn:

"What would you like to hear your Sons and Daughters say about you when your "Time" finally comes?"

Old Dude #1 said: "He was SUCH a Good Father..."

Old Dude #2 said: "He was SO GOOD to My Mom..."

Old Dude #3 said: "Hey Everybody... HEY! I think he's Still BREATHING!"
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Good thing Amazon caught that. Wouldn't want to install the wrong water heating element :laugh:

Water heater.jpg
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
"Good thing they caught that" lol. So I told the mrs. about this and her response was "maybe Amazon doesn't think a trailblazer can haul this part".
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Deep thoughts of a retired man...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking", is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”

His buddy says , “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
I'm glad this ain't this country or our neighbors to the north, even tho the mrs. thinks it should apply to me:

Vienna police fine man €500 for 'massive intestinal wind'
Breaking wind in public may be a social taboo, but it's not often that people face financial consequences for it.
But that was the case for one man in Austria, who was fined €500 (£448, $564) after doing so at police in Vienna earlier this month.
The city's police have defended the fine, saying it was for more than that.
"Of course no-one will be reported for accidentally 'letting one go' once," Vienna's police department said on Twitter.
Responding after a photo of the charge sheet - issued for "violating public decency" - was shared on social media, the police department said the suspect "had already behaved in a provocative and unco-operative manner" when he was approached by police in the early hours of 5 June.
He then rose from a park bench, "looked at the officers and apparently intentionally released a massive intestinal wind in the immediate vicinity of the officers".
And, as the suspect found to his own cost, members of the city's police force "prefer not to be farted at".
 

Mooseman

Moderator
I've got even better. Mind your language while on National Capital Commission property (which are parkways, bike paths and parks around the Ottawa area).


18 No person shall use any blasphemous or indecent language, or behave in an offensive manner, upon any property of the Commission.
I've never charged anyone with it but know some who did just to shut up assholes.

Oh, and better not race your turtle neither:

17 Unless authorized by the Commission, no person shall race any vehicle or animal on property of the Commission.
And keep your military grade arms at home or don't even think of skipping stones:

28 No person shall throw stones or fire or discharge any missile, firearm, airgun, B.B. gun, fireworks or torpedo on any property of the Commission except in areas specifically designated by the Commission for that purpose.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Amish Lady Pulled Over by Police

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake..."
 

MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
Way up in the Northumberland, England countryside (...think just north of Hadrian's Wall), a couple of Archaeologist Mates had just finished 'Metal Detecting' about five hectares of plowed farmland. They finally slumped down under a nearby shade tree to swig from their water bottles and finish sweating.Then the two took turns ruminating about their Bad Luck on the day's efforts.

But in one expression of hope, the short and stumpy member of this Odd-Ball Team of ostensible 'Treasure Hunters' spoke first. As he did so, he tried to look so sage for his Buddy by giving his interpretation of "A Thousand Yard Stare towards the Pyramids of Giza" while squinting out towards the vast, unremarkable Brown Real Estate they'd just walked over. They were both exhausted after using their Metal Detectors with broad sweeps over every square inch without finding so much as a Pepsi-Cola Bottle Cap.

Meanwhile, the Little Fellow asked, "You remember when I found that Bloody Roman Prutah last year? Geez... I wonder how many of those Coins the Roman Soldiers would've needed to buy some Bread and Mead. Christ, it was hardly bigger than a Collar Button. I was Damned Lucky to find it. It was Stamped "PAX ROMANA" on one side with a Wheat Sheaf Motif and it had 50 AD and a Caesar Bloke's Head stamped on the other side. Damn... You know, ...it was so very small ... but I kinda liked it..."

After a pregnant pause, the little man finally looked back over his shoulder for his buddy's reaction. But unbeknownst to him, the other had quickly concealed his broad, calculating smile in exchange for a more somber, appreciative and understanding expression in full recognition of his friend's 'fine performance'.

The second fellow then replied, "Yeah... Damned shame really... I mean about it being worth less than a smidgen of a Hay'penny ...presently... and perhaps worth even less way back then." He moved over to where his diminutive, disappointed friend was sitting and after squatting down next to him, he continued in the same vein by asking, "Do you remember way back... When I found that Old Battle Axe ...Way out in those woods over there...?" The Little Guy shook his head from side to side in utter disappointment and replied,

"Yeah... I DO. I Married Her... Remember?"

He squinted up at his friend and caught sight of that same broad, calculating smile... and they BOTH burst out laughing.

The Pursuit of Priceless Antiquities and Treasure? Not so much....
The Pursuit of True Friendship? ........Priceless.......
 
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Mooseman

Moderator
History.png
 

TollKeeper

Well-Known Member
AND BE IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!! WITH USELESSSSSSSSS USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!! QUESTION MARKS AND PERIODS RUNNING TOGETHER WITH THE OCCASIONAL AT SIGN!!!!!!!????@@@....??@@!!! AND LETS NOT FORGET THE USE OF ANNOYING FONT COLORS FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON!!!!!! And other useless things..
 

Mooseman

Moderator
3 warning points for @TollKeeper for breaking 3 rules :laugh:
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $200.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $200?”

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.”

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
 

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