Mooseman
Moderator
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Did anyone notice that this was posted by one moderator who just celebrated a milestone anniversary? The big 25 year one if memory recalls correctly. Suggest we keep watch on his next tool purchase in the event he adds spades and shovels to his tool box 
just saying...
just saying...
Mooseman
Moderator
Yessiree! 25 to life sentence. 
You do realize that tools can be used by either sex.
You do realize that tools can be used by either sex.
Mooseman
Moderator
What do you think our life expectancy would be if we did this?
Back in the Late 1800s, a man named Jonathan Horkumm was walking though downtown Kansas City, MO, when he spied a Theater Paste-Up Advertisement that read, “SATURDAY…For One Night Only… COME SEE THE AMAZING HORKUMM!”.
So… in the belief that this person might be a Famous, Long Lost Relative from Back East, Jonathan ventured out on that Following Saturday to the local Big Theater midst all of the Pomp and Circumstance of Show Business and a large crowd of on-lookers.
When the curtain finally rose… out wandered a Little Fellow dressed in a Shiny Purple Robe and there he stood just behind a Long Wooden Bench that had Four Large Walnuts laid out in a Row. After much fanfare from the Crowd and The Orchestra, the Little Fellow suddenly opened his Floor Length Robe and stood there completely Naked in front of his Audience.
Abruptly, they responded with Gasps, Oooohs and Aasaahs… as the Man displayed his Privates Parts that befitted those of a Rogue Male Elephant. Suddenly, and without uttering a Word… He grabbed his Giant Member with both hands and while swinging overhead like a Louisville Slugger, one after the other, the Little Man CRUSHED each Walnut into clouds of Brown Powder!
The Crowd responded with enthusiastic Hoots, Hollers and Applause and the Little Fellow promptly tied his Purple Robes, gave a slow, deep bow and ...Exited...Stage Left. After this Jaw Dropping experience the Young Man fled the Theater in shock and awe.
Thirty Years later, Jonathan Horkumm was ambling along the Streets of Kansas City, MO when once again, he spied the similar Advertisement. Somehow, he worked up enough courage to venture out early before “THE AMAZING HORKUMM" would make his follow-on appearance at the same Theater House.
On that very afternoon, Jonathan sneaked inside the place and found himself looking around behind the Asbestos Curtain just as the Very Old and Gnarly Horkumm sitting quietly Back Stage on the same Long Wooden Bench set down in exactly the same spot. But THIS time… in place of the Walnuts, The Old Horkumm was setting down Four Large Coconuts in a Row.
To Jonathan’s great surprise… The Older Horkumm spied and greeted him like he was an Old Friend. They were speaking briefly, when suddenly the younger Horkumm inquired, “Sir… I noticed that in place of the Large Walnuts… You now use these HUGE Coconuts… Why have you changed, Sir?” The Older Horkumm slowly came to his feet, stepped back and with a nodding head and a wave of his hand over the Bench, he wanly whispered, “Sadly My Boy… My Eye Sight is NOT What it USED to Be...”
So… in the belief that this person might be a Famous, Long Lost Relative from Back East, Jonathan ventured out on that Following Saturday to the local Big Theater midst all of the Pomp and Circumstance of Show Business and a large crowd of on-lookers.
When the curtain finally rose… out wandered a Little Fellow dressed in a Shiny Purple Robe and there he stood just behind a Long Wooden Bench that had Four Large Walnuts laid out in a Row. After much fanfare from the Crowd and The Orchestra, the Little Fellow suddenly opened his Floor Length Robe and stood there completely Naked in front of his Audience.
Abruptly, they responded with Gasps, Oooohs and Aasaahs… as the Man displayed his Privates Parts that befitted those of a Rogue Male Elephant. Suddenly, and without uttering a Word… He grabbed his Giant Member with both hands and while swinging overhead like a Louisville Slugger, one after the other, the Little Man CRUSHED each Walnut into clouds of Brown Powder!
The Crowd responded with enthusiastic Hoots, Hollers and Applause and the Little Fellow promptly tied his Purple Robes, gave a slow, deep bow and ...Exited...Stage Left. After this Jaw Dropping experience the Young Man fled the Theater in shock and awe.
Thirty Years later, Jonathan Horkumm was ambling along the Streets of Kansas City, MO when once again, he spied the similar Advertisement. Somehow, he worked up enough courage to venture out early before “THE AMAZING HORKUMM" would make his follow-on appearance at the same Theater House.
On that very afternoon, Jonathan sneaked inside the place and found himself looking around behind the Asbestos Curtain just as the Very Old and Gnarly Horkumm sitting quietly Back Stage on the same Long Wooden Bench set down in exactly the same spot. But THIS time… in place of the Walnuts, The Old Horkumm was setting down Four Large Coconuts in a Row.
To Jonathan’s great surprise… The Older Horkumm spied and greeted him like he was an Old Friend. They were speaking briefly, when suddenly the younger Horkumm inquired, “Sir… I noticed that in place of the Large Walnuts… You now use these HUGE Coconuts… Why have you changed, Sir?” The Older Horkumm slowly came to his feet, stepped back and with a nodding head and a wave of his hand over the Bench, he wanly whispered, “Sadly My Boy… My Eye Sight is NOT What it USED to Be...”
An Old Man was sitting on his porch when he spied a Young Lad trudging up the Dirt Road near his Old Home toting a Big Bundle in his arms. The Curious Old Codger yelled out to the Boy and asked, “Say Kid … Whatch'a got there?” The Lad replied, “Chicken Wire… I’m gonna get me some Chickens...”
The Old Man laughed and retorted, “Don’t be Stupid, You Damned Fool… You Can’t Catch Chickens...With Chicken Wire!” But by then, the Young Man had disappeared over the Hill and was gone. About an hour later, the Old Man caught sight of the same Kid coming right back down the Hill ...dragging his Chicken Wire behind him ...LOADED UP with Nice, Plump Chickens.
The next day, these two had a similar encounter ...but this time, The Old Man saw the same Boy hiding something different in his hands. So he asked, “Hey Kid, Whatch'a holding onto there?” The Lad replied, “Duck Tape… I’m gonna catch me some Ducks!” The Old Man laughed even louder and replied, “You Damned Fool, You Can’t Catch any Ducks… With Duck Tape!” But once again, the Young Fellow ignored him and trudged on over the Hill. Some time had passed before the Old man could see the Lad coming right back down the Hill with a whole gaggle of Ducks all taped up in row and marching down the Dirt Road right behind him.
On the Third Day… The Old Man saw the Kid coming right back up the Dusty Road when he asked him, “Say Kid ...Whatch'a got there in your hand?” The Boy replied… “I got me some Pussy Willows...” But before the Kid could finish, the Old Codger leaped up out of his Rocking Chair and Cane and said, “Wait a Minute Kid… Let Me Get My Hat!!!”
The Old Man laughed and retorted, “Don’t be Stupid, You Damned Fool… You Can’t Catch Chickens...With Chicken Wire!” But by then, the Young Man had disappeared over the Hill and was gone. About an hour later, the Old Man caught sight of the same Kid coming right back down the Hill ...dragging his Chicken Wire behind him ...LOADED UP with Nice, Plump Chickens.
The next day, these two had a similar encounter ...but this time, The Old Man saw the same Boy hiding something different in his hands. So he asked, “Hey Kid, Whatch'a holding onto there?” The Lad replied, “Duck Tape… I’m gonna catch me some Ducks!” The Old Man laughed even louder and replied, “You Damned Fool, You Can’t Catch any Ducks… With Duck Tape!” But once again, the Young Fellow ignored him and trudged on over the Hill. Some time had passed before the Old man could see the Lad coming right back down the Hill with a whole gaggle of Ducks all taped up in row and marching down the Dirt Road right behind him.
On the Third Day… The Old Man saw the Kid coming right back up the Dusty Road when he asked him, “Say Kid ...Whatch'a got there in your hand?” The Boy replied… “I got me some Pussy Willows...” But before the Kid could finish, the Old Codger leaped up out of his Rocking Chair and Cane and said, “Wait a Minute Kid… Let Me Get My Hat!!!”
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A Beautiful Young Lady who obviously looked like a “Fitness Junkie” caught site of her Small Dog pawing away at it’s ears… so she found a Local Vet and set an appointment to sort the problem out. On that day, the Doctor gave her Lady Canine a tip-top physical examination and determined that the Dog had an excessive Growth of Hair on the undersides of both ears and thus, he explained the issues:
“The problem here, Young Lady, is that your Dog is excessively “hirsute” in BOTH of her ear canals and this invites irritation and ear mites to nest inside. The itching sensation can cause her to cry out and scratch and paw away on these areas...”
The startled woman exclaimed, “Goodness… What can I do about this? Is the Treatment very expensive?!”
The DVM smiled and replied, “No...No. You can actually visit your own Local Pharmacy and get a Tube of Depilatory Cream to rub just on the inside of both ear canals and dissolve away the unwanted hair growth. Something like Nair Cream will work just fine… Just apply a little each day inside the ears until the excess hair dissolves away. That should solve the problem. Go lightly with this stuff … because it IS a powerful chemical formulae made just for such problems.”
The appreciative Woman paid her Bill and then picked up her Pup and dropped it off at her apartment and then headed over to the nearest Drug Store she could find.
Once inside, she immediately inquired of the Pharmacist as to which Store Aisle she could locate the Nair Cream on their shelves. The Rx Doctor advised, “Oh ...I keep the stuff back here behind the counter, even though its an OTC Medicine….”
The woman asked for Two Tubes of the Stuff and as he was ringing up the sale, the Pharmacist explained, “Look... If you’re going to apply this cream to your Under-Arms… You should avoid Shaving them for at least a week...”
The Woman looked right at him and replied, “I’m not applying it to my under-arms...”
The Pharmacist persisted by suggesting, “Well... If you are going to apply this Cream to your Legs ...follow the same precautions ... and avoid shaving them for at LEAST a week...”
While frowning in disappointment at the man, the Woman offered a final, exasperated reply, “Look... I’m NOT applying it to my Legs…Okay? I’m using it on my Schnauzer...”
The Pharmacist abruptly looked up at the attractive woman and after offering a wan smile, he said. “Well… Just avoid riding your Exercise Bicycle for about 7-10 Days ...and you should be fine...”
“The problem here, Young Lady, is that your Dog is excessively “hirsute” in BOTH of her ear canals and this invites irritation and ear mites to nest inside. The itching sensation can cause her to cry out and scratch and paw away on these areas...”
The startled woman exclaimed, “Goodness… What can I do about this? Is the Treatment very expensive?!”
The DVM smiled and replied, “No...No. You can actually visit your own Local Pharmacy and get a Tube of Depilatory Cream to rub just on the inside of both ear canals and dissolve away the unwanted hair growth. Something like Nair Cream will work just fine… Just apply a little each day inside the ears until the excess hair dissolves away. That should solve the problem. Go lightly with this stuff … because it IS a powerful chemical formulae made just for such problems.”
The appreciative Woman paid her Bill and then picked up her Pup and dropped it off at her apartment and then headed over to the nearest Drug Store she could find.
Once inside, she immediately inquired of the Pharmacist as to which Store Aisle she could locate the Nair Cream on their shelves. The Rx Doctor advised, “Oh ...I keep the stuff back here behind the counter, even though its an OTC Medicine….”
The woman asked for Two Tubes of the Stuff and as he was ringing up the sale, the Pharmacist explained, “Look... If you’re going to apply this cream to your Under-Arms… You should avoid Shaving them for at least a week...”
The Woman looked right at him and replied, “I’m not applying it to my under-arms...”
The Pharmacist persisted by suggesting, “Well... If you are going to apply this Cream to your Legs ...follow the same precautions ... and avoid shaving them for at LEAST a week...”
While frowning in disappointment at the man, the Woman offered a final, exasperated reply, “Look... I’m NOT applying it to my Legs…Okay? I’m using it on my Schnauzer...”
The Pharmacist abruptly looked up at the attractive woman and after offering a wan smile, he said. “Well… Just avoid riding your Exercise Bicycle for about 7-10 Days ...and you should be fine...”
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What this Retired Man has to Say about Life...
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Three Old Men are being interviewed on PBS about their incredible longevity and their Best Moments in Life when the Commentator asked each Man in turn:
"What would you like to hear your Sons and Daughters say about you when your "Time" finally comes?"
Old Dude #1 said: "He was SUCH a Good Father..."
Old Dude #2 said: "He was SO GOOD to My Mom..."
Old Dude #3 said: "Hey Everybody... HEY! I think he's Still BREATHING!"
"What would you like to hear your Sons and Daughters say about you when your "Time" finally comes?"
Old Dude #1 said: "He was SUCH a Good Father..."
Old Dude #2 said: "He was SO GOOD to My Mom..."
Old Dude #3 said: "Hey Everybody... HEY! I think he's Still BREATHING!"
Mooseman
Moderator
Good thing Amazon caught that. Wouldn't want to install the wrong water heating element
"Good thing they caught that" lol. So I told the mrs. about this and her response was "maybe Amazon doesn't think a trailblazer can haul this part".
Mooseman
Moderator
Deep thoughts of a retired man...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking", is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking", is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Mooseman
Moderator
I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
Mooseman
Moderator
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says , “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.”
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says , “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.”
I'm glad this ain't this country or our neighbors to the north, even tho the mrs. thinks it should apply to me:
Vienna police fine man €500 for 'massive intestinal wind'
Breaking wind in public may be a social taboo, but it's not often that people face financial consequences for it.
But that was the case for one man in Austria, who was fined €500 (£448, $564) after doing so at police in Vienna earlier this month.
The city's police have defended the fine, saying it was for more than that.
"Of course no-one will be reported for accidentally 'letting one go' once," Vienna's police department said on Twitter.
Responding after a photo of the charge sheet - issued for "violating public decency" - was shared on social media, the police department said the suspect "had already behaved in a provocative and unco-operative manner" when he was approached by police in the early hours of 5 June.
He then rose from a park bench, "looked at the officers and apparently intentionally released a massive intestinal wind in the immediate vicinity of the officers".
And, as the suspect found to his own cost, members of the city's police force "prefer not to be farted at".
www.bbc.com
Vienna police fine man €500 for 'massive intestinal wind'
Breaking wind in public may be a social taboo, but it's not often that people face financial consequences for it.
But that was the case for one man in Austria, who was fined €500 (£448, $564) after doing so at police in Vienna earlier this month.
The city's police have defended the fine, saying it was for more than that.
"Of course no-one will be reported for accidentally 'letting one go' once," Vienna's police department said on Twitter.
Responding after a photo of the charge sheet - issued for "violating public decency" - was shared on social media, the police department said the suspect "had already behaved in a provocative and unco-operative manner" when he was approached by police in the early hours of 5 June.
He then rose from a park bench, "looked at the officers and apparently intentionally released a massive intestinal wind in the immediate vicinity of the officers".
And, as the suspect found to his own cost, members of the city's police force "prefer not to be farted at".
Vienna police fine man €500 for 'massive intestinal wind'
Austrian police found he violated public decency when he broke wind in their presence in a park.
www.bbc.com
Mooseman
Moderator
I've got even better. Mind your language while on National Capital Commission property (which are parkways, bike paths and parks around the Ottawa area).
laws-lois.justice.gc.ca
I've never charged anyone with it but know some who did just to shut up assholes.
Oh, and better not race your turtle neither:
And keep your military grade arms at home or don't even think of skipping stones:
National Capital Commission Traffic and Property Regulations
Federal laws of Canada
I've never charged anyone with it but know some who did just to shut up assholes.
Oh, and better not race your turtle neither:
And keep your military grade arms at home or don't even think of skipping stones:
Mooseman
Moderator
Amish Lady Pulled Over by Police
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake..."
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake..."
Way up in the Northumberland, England countryside (...think just north of Hadrian's Wall), a couple of Archaeologist Mates had just finished 'Metal Detecting' about five hectares of plowed farmland. They finally slumped down under a nearby shade tree to swig from their water bottles and finish sweating.Then the two took turns ruminating about their Bad Luck on the day's efforts.
But in one expression of hope, the short and stumpy member of this Odd-Ball Team of ostensible 'Treasure Hunters' spoke first. As he did so, he tried to look so sage for his Buddy by giving his interpretation of "A Thousand Yard Stare towards the Pyramids of Giza" while squinting out towards the vast, unremarkable Brown Real Estate they'd just walked over. They were both exhausted after using their Metal Detectors with broad sweeps over every square inch without finding so much as a Pepsi-Cola Bottle Cap.
Meanwhile, the Little Fellow asked, "You remember when I found that Bloody Roman Prutah last year? Geez... I wonder how many of those Coins the Roman Soldiers would've needed to buy some Bread and Mead. Christ, it was hardly bigger than a Collar Button. I was Damned Lucky to find it. It was Stamped "PAX ROMANA" on one side with a Wheat Sheaf Motif and it had 50 AD and a Caesar Bloke's Head stamped on the other side. Damn... You know, ...it was so very small ... but I kinda liked it..."
After a pregnant pause, the little man finally looked back over his shoulder for his buddy's reaction. But unbeknownst to him, the other had quickly concealed his broad, calculating smile in exchange for a more somber, appreciative and understanding expression in full recognition of his friend's 'fine performance'.
The second fellow then replied, "Yeah... Damned shame really... I mean about it being worth less than a smidgen of a Hay'penny ...presently... and perhaps worth even less way back then." He moved over to where his diminutive, disappointed friend was sitting and after squatting down next to him, he continued in the same vein by asking, "Do you remember way back... When I found that Old Battle Axe ...Way out in those woods over there...?" The Little Guy shook his head from side to side in utter disappointment and replied,
"Yeah... I DO. I Married Her... Remember?"
He squinted up at his friend and caught sight of that same broad, calculating smile... and they BOTH burst out laughing.
The Pursuit of Priceless Antiquities and Treasure? Not so much....
The Pursuit of True Friendship? ........Priceless.......
But in one expression of hope, the short and stumpy member of this Odd-Ball Team of ostensible 'Treasure Hunters' spoke first. As he did so, he tried to look so sage for his Buddy by giving his interpretation of "A Thousand Yard Stare towards the Pyramids of Giza" while squinting out towards the vast, unremarkable Brown Real Estate they'd just walked over. They were both exhausted after using their Metal Detectors with broad sweeps over every square inch without finding so much as a Pepsi-Cola Bottle Cap.
Meanwhile, the Little Fellow asked, "You remember when I found that Bloody Roman Prutah last year? Geez... I wonder how many of those Coins the Roman Soldiers would've needed to buy some Bread and Mead. Christ, it was hardly bigger than a Collar Button. I was Damned Lucky to find it. It was Stamped "PAX ROMANA" on one side with a Wheat Sheaf Motif and it had 50 AD and a Caesar Bloke's Head stamped on the other side. Damn... You know, ...it was so very small ... but I kinda liked it..."
After a pregnant pause, the little man finally looked back over his shoulder for his buddy's reaction. But unbeknownst to him, the other had quickly concealed his broad, calculating smile in exchange for a more somber, appreciative and understanding expression in full recognition of his friend's 'fine performance'.
The second fellow then replied, "Yeah... Damned shame really... I mean about it being worth less than a smidgen of a Hay'penny ...presently... and perhaps worth even less way back then." He moved over to where his diminutive, disappointed friend was sitting and after squatting down next to him, he continued in the same vein by asking, "Do you remember way back... When I found that Old Battle Axe ...Way out in those woods over there...?" The Little Guy shook his head from side to side in utter disappointment and replied,
"Yeah... I DO. I Married Her... Remember?"
He squinted up at his friend and caught sight of that same broad, calculating smile... and they BOTH burst out laughing.
The Pursuit of Priceless Antiquities and Treasure? Not so much....
The Pursuit of True Friendship? ........Priceless.......
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Mooseman
Moderator
AND BE IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!! WITH USELESSSSSSSSS USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!! QUESTION MARKS AND PERIODS RUNNING TOGETHER WITH THE OCCASIONAL AT SIGN!!!!!!!????@@@....??@@!!! AND LETS NOT FORGET THE USE OF ANNOYING FONT COLORS FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON!!!!!! And other useless things..
Mooseman
Moderator
I am showing my age, cause I can relate to all of this:
Mooseman
Moderator
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, “Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $200.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $200?”
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.”
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, “Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $200.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $200?”
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.”
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
So why did the farmer place bells on the cows.
Because the horns don't work.
Because the horns don't work.
Mooseman
Moderator
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The Director asks in turn arrogantly: “Why are you so interested in that that topic?”
“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What's your name?” asks the Director.
“John Smith H.”
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: “Do we have a client named John Smith H?”
“Certainly” answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine on the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted.
I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.”
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The Director asks in turn arrogantly: “Why are you so interested in that that topic?”
“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What's your name?” asks the Director.
“John Smith H.”
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: “Do we have a client named John Smith H?”
“Certainly” answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine on the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted.
I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.”
northcreek
Member
Every day for 20 years a Canadian farmer would cross the Canada US border from FT,Erie to Buffalo and every day in that 20 year span the man was pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. The Customs inspectors would dutifully riffle through the straw looking for contraband but, found none.It was a surprise to the inspectors when this abruptly stopped after 20 years and never finding out why the man did this for so long. But, I am that man and I simply retired after making a fortune selling smuggled wheelbarrows.
northcreek
Member
A lawyer is driving his new Cadillac to town when he decides to pick up a man thumbing for a ride. The man climbs in and is in awe of the Cadillac and as he is looking around he sees a bag of golf tees lying on the console, “ what are those things? “ the man asks, the lawyer replies “oh, I rest my balls on those when I drive”……”MAN! those Cadillac people sure think of everything” says the hitchhiker.
Mooseman
Moderator
Morning groaners...
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"
Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"
Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?
Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!
Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!
If you want to save money at Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
- anonymous
- anonymous
Mooseman
Moderator
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Mooseman
Moderator
While on leave in the English Countryside back in the 1940s, an American G. I. was ambling through a small Village when he came upon an interesting looking Thatched Roof covered Farm House. As he stood there, looking along the short stone wall admiring the edifice, the Farm Owner emerged from the House and approached the young man to make some friendly conversation.
After a few minutes or so, the very curious Lad asked the Farmer, “Say… You know your Farm House looks quite Old… How long has it been here?” The Farmer laughed aloud and said, “Well, My Boy… Our Family Farmhouse was built here about two or three Centuries ago…”
The Soldier tilted his Khaki Cap off of his brow in surprise and asked, “Wow, imagine that… Have YOU lived here your whole life ?” The Farmer leaned forward right when some Fighter Planes flew right past the area overhead and whispered softly in reply, “No… Not Just Yet...”
After a few minutes or so, the very curious Lad asked the Farmer, “Say… You know your Farm House looks quite Old… How long has it been here?” The Farmer laughed aloud and said, “Well, My Boy… Our Family Farmhouse was built here about two or three Centuries ago…”
The Soldier tilted his Khaki Cap off of his brow in surprise and asked, “Wow, imagine that… Have YOU lived here your whole life ?” The Farmer leaned forward right when some Fighter Planes flew right past the area overhead and whispered softly in reply, “No… Not Just Yet...”
nobody around these parts thinks like this, BUT...
Hilarious true stories, jokes, transcripts, and more from real
doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Warning: side
effects include laughing your butt off.
Potty talk
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen
container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the
patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a
toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”—Travis Stork, MD,
Nashville, Tennessee
---------------------------------
Ignorance is bliss
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my
earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her
they’re called eardrops for a reason. —Murray Grossan, MD, founder of
the Grossan Institute, Los Angeles
-------------------------------------------------
Clean up in aisle dumb
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six. —John Munshower, DO, Media, Pennsylvania
---------------------------
This deserves a surgeon general warning… for epic burns
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.” —Sid Schwab, MD,
Everett, Washington
--------------------------------------
Always prepared
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine,
antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out? —Marc Gillinov,
MD, The Cleveland Clinic
-------------------------------------
Medical cat-astrophe
I prescribed an inhaler for a patient’s cat allergy. He came back a
week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying
the inhaler on the cat.
------------------------------------
Take two jokes and call me in the morning!
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much
money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
—Submitted by Deborah Axelrod, MD, New York University Perlmutter Cancer Center
------------------------------
She can see clearly now, the urge is gone
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery
there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mrs. Harper was admitted for
cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”
—Submitted by Amar Safdar, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
------------------------------------
Medical transcription errors
To paraphrase Mark Twain: Be careful of medical transcripts; you may
die of a misprint.
Social history reveals this one-year-old patient does not smoke or
drink and is presently unemployed.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down. —Sources: gmrtranscription.com; nursebuff.com
------------------------------
Overheard at the nurses’ station
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he
is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for
clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very
helpful. —Source: notalwaysright.com
-----------------------
The test where you definitely don’t want to be positive
Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …
Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?
Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results.
—Source: notalwaysright.com
----------------
Call it … carma!
A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing
that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out,
that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in
to be tested. —Janet Grow, Overland Park, Kansas
---------------------
Just passing time
I asked a young mother in our neonatal unit why she thought we had so
many expectant mothers from her small town. She said, “Well, we don’t
have cable.” —Source: Scrubs magazine
-----------------
Lumberjack wounds
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. —Source: rinkworks.com
----------------------------
DocTube?
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was
a complete basket case—sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my
doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to
perform this operation on YouTube.” —Chelsea Bender, Hamburg,
Pennsylvania
--------------------
Checking it twice
The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital
room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
“No.”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa!” she bellowed. “That didn’t say fleet
enema. It said feet elevated!” —Julia Fussell, Winston-Salem, North
Carolina
--------------------------
Now the test:
Test your medical vocabulary
Patients reported that they suffered from these ailments. Can you decipher what they meant and come up with the correct malady?
1) “Immaculate degeneration”
2) “Liza Minnelli”
3) “Smiling mighty Jesus”
4) “Fireballs of the universe”
Answers:
1) Macular degeneration
2) Salmonella
3) Spinal meningitis
4) Fibroids of the uterus
doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Warning: side
effects include laughing your butt off.
Potty talk
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen
container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the
patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a
toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”—Travis Stork, MD,
Nashville, Tennessee
---------------------------------
Ignorance is bliss
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my
earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her
they’re called eardrops for a reason. —Murray Grossan, MD, founder of
the Grossan Institute, Los Angeles
-------------------------------------------------
Clean up in aisle dumb
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six. —John Munshower, DO, Media, Pennsylvania
---------------------------
This deserves a surgeon general warning… for epic burns
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.” —Sid Schwab, MD,
Everett, Washington
--------------------------------------
Always prepared
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine,
antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out? —Marc Gillinov,
MD, The Cleveland Clinic
-------------------------------------
Medical cat-astrophe
I prescribed an inhaler for a patient’s cat allergy. He came back a
week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying
the inhaler on the cat.
------------------------------------
Take two jokes and call me in the morning!
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much
money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
—Submitted by Deborah Axelrod, MD, New York University Perlmutter Cancer Center
------------------------------
She can see clearly now, the urge is gone
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery
there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mrs. Harper was admitted for
cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”
—Submitted by Amar Safdar, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
------------------------------------
Medical transcription errors
To paraphrase Mark Twain: Be careful of medical transcripts; you may
die of a misprint.
Social history reveals this one-year-old patient does not smoke or
drink and is presently unemployed.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down. —Sources: gmrtranscription.com; nursebuff.com
------------------------------
Overheard at the nurses’ station
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he
is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for
clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very
helpful. —Source: notalwaysright.com
-----------------------
The test where you definitely don’t want to be positive
Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …
Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?
Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results.
—Source: notalwaysright.com
----------------
Call it … carma!
A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing
that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out,
that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in
to be tested. —Janet Grow, Overland Park, Kansas
---------------------
Just passing time
I asked a young mother in our neonatal unit why she thought we had so
many expectant mothers from her small town. She said, “Well, we don’t
have cable.” —Source: Scrubs magazine
-----------------
Lumberjack wounds
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. —Source: rinkworks.com
----------------------------
DocTube?
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was
a complete basket case—sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my
doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to
perform this operation on YouTube.” —Chelsea Bender, Hamburg,
Pennsylvania
--------------------
Checking it twice
The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital
room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
“No.”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa!” she bellowed. “That didn’t say fleet
enema. It said feet elevated!” —Julia Fussell, Winston-Salem, North
Carolina
--------------------------
Now the test:
Test your medical vocabulary
Patients reported that they suffered from these ailments. Can you decipher what they meant and come up with the correct malady?
1) “Immaculate degeneration”
2) “Liza Minnelli”
3) “Smiling mighty Jesus”
4) “Fireballs of the universe”
Answers:
1) Macular degeneration
2) Salmonella
3) Spinal meningitis
4) Fibroids of the uterus