Jokes and Riddles

[mrrsm]

Representing the “Average Americans” enjoying themselves on a Sunday afternoon Family Picnic, the Father of two young lads suddenly found the Boys hovering under his feet as he was trying desperately to convert Fresh Paddies of wholesome Ground Beef and the likewise distinctly fragrant Hot Dogs into something Hot, Edible for them. He was very cheerfully flipping Hamburgers and rolling the Dogs around on his well worn, flaming Charcoal Grill. But given that pleasant pastime setting, he was quite surprised to see the kids looking so... ‘Down in the Mouth”.

“What’s the matter with YOU Two..?” their Dad asked and the elder Boy replied with some hesitation, “Well Geez, Dad ...We’re STARVIN'...!”. The Head of Household cast his eyes over towards where his Wife was just a short distance away. Then, under the shade of his flattened hand, held horizontally to shield his eyes from the bright afternoon Sun… he gestured with his Silver Spatula like one of The Three Musketeers over towards their Mother. She seemed so very happy and quite busy while attending their Picnic Spread; an amazing, well prepared Dinner for everyone ...with all the Trimmings.

The Old Man glanced back to the Boys and said, “Well Goodness Gracious, Guys… Look at all that Food your Mom has gone to so much trouble to prepare for us...” It was then that the younger of the two lads who crooked his little Index Finger and sheepishly coaxed his Dad to bend over so he could whisper something into his Father’s ear. He sheepishly complained “We KNOW Dad… and we don’t WANT to hurt her feelings…Really”.

The Man broke from the spell of his Master Chef activities by setting aside his cooking implements and kneeling down with a matching look of concern on his face, he arrived Eye to Eye with his sons. He inquired...” Well Kip...What do you mean, Son? Don’t you like ANY of the stuff she’s brought along? I mean… Look at all of that Food! She’s got Fresh Potato Salad and Macaroni and Cheese… Some Deviled Eggs for me... and plenty of nice Sandwiches and Cold Soda for you and your Brother. Look there, she even brought along some of your Favorite Apple Pie!”

The older Boy crouched down and chimed in very insistently with his Kid Brother, saying, “Yeah...We KNOW that Dad, But...” Right then, his Little Kid Brother impulsively whispered loudly...” Yes… We LIKE all of Mom’s cooking at home MOST of the time...But whenever she comes out HERE… She Puts ANTS in the Food, Dad!”

 

[fletch09]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

You know you are trailer park when......

-You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

-You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

-You burn your yard rather than mow it.

-You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

-The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

-You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

-You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

-You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

- Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

-You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

-You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

 

[Blackwater]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"​

 

[Blackwater]

Military Hospital An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"​

 

[Blackwater]

An army family living on base and there young son runs up to his mother and asks mama do women soldiers come apart? She says no where did you get such an idea? The boy replies I just heard daddy tell another soldier that last night he screw the *** off one.

 

[Blackwater]

Back at my fire station, we have three US Army and two USMC. I told a new recruit to the station not to bring crayons here, we don't keep them around due to the Marines eating them. If you do bring some, keep it to the eight count. 24 is pushing it. Anymore then that many colors they wont know what to do with themselves. She responded, "Yes I'm aware of the crayons, I pulled one out of one of there noses the other day."

 

[Blackwater]

What is long, hard and full of seamen? Submarine.

 

[mrrsm]

The WORST Combination of:

"A Fool... and ... An Auto Repair Procrastinator"

 

[Redbeard]

hope this isn't true to anyone around here

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?
Corny!

Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What streets to ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!

What do you tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast!

What kind of dogs love car racing?
Lap dogs!

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?
“Show me the honey!”

What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows.

Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.

 

[Redbeard]

“Why do they lock gas station 
bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
–George Carlin

 

[Redbeard]

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

 

[Redbeard]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

 

[Redbeard]

A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren … and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[Redbeard]

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C.

 

[Redbeard]

Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard—”Boat for Sale.”

“Ole,” he says, “you don’t own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine.”

“Yup,” said Ole. “And they’re boat for sale.”

 

[Redbeard]

“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”—Dick Gregory

 

[Redbeard]

MSN

www.msn.com

 

[Redbeard]

MSN

www.msn.com

 

[Redbeard]

MSN

www.msn.com

 

[Mooseman]

I am happy to announce that I am embarking on a new adventure. I will be selling adult toys. Everything you could possibly need for your personal relief!

I hope no one is embarrassed to order them. Discretion is assured and guaranteed! I know how you feel because I was embarrassed at one time too!

I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. I have also tried a few different ones over the last couple years personally. So happy to discuss with you privately with any tips and tricks to make you feel good, just PM me. Everything I have is listed here:

Wheelchairs, canes & walkers, scooters, knee, wrist & elbow braces, plantar fasciitis braces, blood circulating machines, crutches, shower chair, ice packs, heating pads.

Seriously you sick people. What were your dirty minds thinking?

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Want to hear a Nirvana joke?

No? Oh well, never mind.





How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints!






Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle!

 

[Redbeard]

MSN

www.msn.com

 

[Mooseman]

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'Green Thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the 'Green Thing' in its day. The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the 'Green Thing' back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But, too bad we didn't do the 'Green Thing' back then. We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the 'Green Thing' in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the 'Green Thing' back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the 'Green Thing' back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But, we didn't have the 'Green Thing' back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the 'Green Thing'.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the 'Green Thing' back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart assed young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off. Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

[Redbeard]

Might this be us...as we purchase parts for the Trailblazer?

 

[Redbeard]

Uh oh...

 

[Blackwater]

A man who builds coffins for a living, was out on a delivery when his truck broke down. Not wanting to be late he decided the carry the coffin to the delivery. While walking down the street a policeman stopped him, "Where are you going?" The man replied, "I don't like where I was buried so I'm relocating.

 

[Redbeard]

now this makes sense...

 

[Redbeard]

I don't know if I believe this...

so let's not take the chance!

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What happened to the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers?
A. It went over their head.

Q: Why do 49er fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: What do Nebraska and marijuana have in common?
A: They both get smoked in a bowl.

Q: What did the average Patriot player get on the Wonderlic test?
A: Drool.

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

[Mooseman]

Some morning thoughts...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Take my advice -- I'm not using it.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Every time someone comes up with a fool proof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep both feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test -- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but at least you don't have to mow it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

[Mooseman]

Marriage

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how ... I didn't even know it was her birthday!


I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.


A man tells his Rabbi. "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?"
"Get married." Said the Rabbi.
"Is it that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" The man asked.
The Rabbi replied. "No, but the desire will soon disappear."


Last night after a few beers, my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.


My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.


As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So, I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.


Wife to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!
Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."


Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "Maybe next time, you'll get a speaking part."


The wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.


My mate is thinking about asking his ex-wife to re-marry him. But, he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.


Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women's pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."


My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.


My wife left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mum's house!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"


My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day, for no reason.

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Mooseman]

INSULT?​

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Pharmacist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

The husband drove down to confront the Pharmacist to demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist said, "Now, just a minute buddy…. hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to realize I'd locked the house with the house and car keys inside. I Had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket, then about three streets from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a crowd of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a roll of quarters against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me buddy, as God is my witness …. all I did was tell her!"

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

More proof of the media being a joke...

ABC caught in massive hoax as Syria “battle footage” actually from Kentucky gun range - Nine Line News

To learn more about our mission, visit: www.ninelineapparel.com Hoo boy. You really can’t make this crap up. Or then again, apparently you can — if you’re ABC News. In the past two days, ABC News has aired footage supposedly showing the shocking attack of invading Turkish forces on Syrian...

ninelinenews.com