Jokes and Riddles

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#1
Subject: Medical Info



Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between guts and balls. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the butt, and having the balls to say "You're next, Chubby."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#2
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and finally Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 

JRTAHOE

Well-Known Member
#3
A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.

"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over $200.00 dollars!"

"I earned it hiking," replied his son.

"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Jones from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike."
 

JRTAHOE

Well-Known Member
#4
The guide to wife translations


The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
 

Denali n DOO

Silver Supporter
#5
Why are they called Apartments when in fact they are all attached?

Send a package in a car and it's a shipment, send a package on a ship and it's cargo!
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#6
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama , I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco
 

TollKeeper

Well-Known Member
#7
Sex is my favorite sport...

Its free, and you dont need special shoes!
 

ieatglue

Well-Known Member
#8
Roses are red
Clovers are green
I don't need a girlfriend


:rotfl:
 

Denis7966

Well-Known Member
#10
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 

Denali n DOO

Silver Supporter
#11
How do you turn a Cat into a Dog:confused:? Throw gas on it and lite it on fire! WOOF :rotfl: !

How do you turn a Dog into a Cat:confused:? Put it into the freezer overnight, take it out the next day and cut it on a band saw! MEOWWW, MEOWWW :rotfl:!

:raspberry::raspberry:
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#12
A guy gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman ... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything
right.'"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he
never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "Sounds like an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well ... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his
bitchy wife."
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#13
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.
 

JRTAHOE

Well-Known Member
#14
Daughter: Hey mom,I'm going to my room with my boyfriend.
Mom: Ok, don't do anything stupid.
(Boyfriend and Girlfriend enter the bedroom)
Daughter: Baby, baby, baby, OOOH!
(Mom run's into the bedroom)
Mom: What are you doing?!
Daughter: We are having sex!
Mom: Oh thank god, I thought you were listening to Justin Bieber
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#15
A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!":rotfl:
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#16
A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First, a little girl says: "The sky is definitely blue". Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray."

Second, a little boy says: "Trees are definitely green". "Sorry" the Teacher replies, "but in the Autumn, the trees can be red, or yellow or brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says: "Johnny! Of course not!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#17
My wife sent the following message while waiting for her train:



My love

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams

If you are smiling, send me your smile

If you are crying, send me your tears

I love you



I replied:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send?
 

Irishboy02

Well-Known Member
#18
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. Se seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y ou don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled th dive and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I dont know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb...But all men...are men!
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#19
We just had a fight and my wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"


So I turned around and replied, "OK.....so now you want me to stay???"
 

JRTAHOE

Well-Known Member
#20
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts
Calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four."
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#21
So Angus and McTavish are sitting around in the pub. Angus takes a long pull at his drink, looks out the door and says "Angus, you see that bridge out there."

"Aye Angus, I do"

"S'a goood Bridge. Built it with me bare hands I did. But do they call me angus the bridge builder?"

"No angus they don't" he says sympathetically.

"And ya see that roof on the school. S' a good rooooof, took me a month, with me bare hands." He takes a pull again. "But do they call em Angus the Roof Maker?"

"No angus they don't"

Angus takes another deeeeep pull at his beer, his face going red.

"But you screw ONE Sheep . . .!!!!
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#22
In a Tottenham church, Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn, the asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, ", I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
 

Hatchet

Well-Known Member
#23
I guess i'll finally post in here...


Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.

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Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"
His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"
"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"

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How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.

-------------------------------------------

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!

----------------------------------------------

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and furt! her embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
 

Short Bus

Well-Known Member
#24
A gun is a gun. How it came to live with me is not important. What is important is you take care of it. Besides, the top 10 reasons a gun is better than the woman that gave it to you....

#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22 and even get money back!

#9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.

#8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#25
Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah, she's not that ugly"
 

Wooluf1952

Well-Known Member
#27
Denali n DOO said:
How do you stop your girlfriend from smoking?

Slow down!!!:rotfl:
That goes well with this Oldy:
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know. I never looked.
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#28
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

- - - Updated - - -

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#29
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#30
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
_________________________

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
____________________________________________

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

- - - Updated - - -

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#31
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#32
  1. This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
  2. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
  3. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
  4. A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
  5. On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

    She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
 

GCTB1289

Well-Known Member
#33
  1. A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
  2. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
  3. One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
  4. Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
  5. The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
 
#34
This guy walks into a bar and there is a big jar full, up to the top, with 50 dollar bills sitting on the counter. The guy asked "What's the jar for?" The bartender replies "Give me $50 and I'll tell you." The guy says fuck that. So after about 8 drinks the guy gives the bartender $50. The bartender says "Ok I'll give you this jar and all the money inside if you do 3 tasks. First drink this bottle of Vodka and don't make a face, second there's a pitbull outside with a tooth ache, pull the tooth and bring it to me, and third there's an old women who has never had an orgasm, give her one." The guy smashes the vodka no problem, goes outside and finds the dog, the guys inside hear all kinds of barking and screams and shit so after about ten minutes they figure he's dead. Then he walks in and says "Ok, now where is the old lady with the tooth ache?"
 

Wooluf1952

Well-Known Member
#35
Bob brings his snowmobile to the mechanic. Says is running rough.

Mechanic checks it over while Bob goes for a walk.

Bob comes back after an hour and the mechanic says: "Looks like you blew a seal"

Bob says: "No, I was just eating an ice cream cone."
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#36
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....:salivate:
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#37
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church..


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I
had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it
has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a
tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and
very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'









The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
 

Regulator

Well-Known Member
#38






 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
#39
Two young boys are taking a leak behind the barn and also checking each other's equipment out as they do.

"How come yours looks different than mine ?"

"That's because I'm circumcised and you're not"

"Circumcised...what's that?"

"That's when the doctor cuts some skin off of your weiner"

"WHAT...when do they do that?"

"They did mine the day after I was born"

"Did it hurt?"

"HURT!!.....I couldn't walk for a year"
 
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DucatiSS

DucatiSS

Well-Known Member
#40
Mowed my lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice, ice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about and considered an age old question: Is a Woman's giving birth, more painful than a Man getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some really heavy deductive thinking, I do believe thatI have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." You have heard them say that. Right?


On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."