Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2021
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear that no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
I’m stuck in Confusion and can’t figure out where to go and when. Am I just getting older?
You can do your bit by remembering to share this with at least one unstable person.
My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear that no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
I’m stuck in Confusion and can’t figure out where to go and when. Am I just getting older?
You can do your bit by remembering to share this with at least one unstable person.
My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.
Mooseman
Moderator
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated as the owner wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie - we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.
But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie - we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.
From Readers Digest:
What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
At O&B with Dad. Hostess: Do you have reservations? Dad: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Can February March? No, but April May.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
A friend of mine doesn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
At O&B with Dad. Hostess: Do you have reservations? Dad: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.
Can February March? No, but April May.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
A friend of mine doesn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
- What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
- I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches…
- My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson and if you don’t think that’s the best dad joke ever get out of my face.
- I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
An American Tourist was visiting Quebec and while having a “Big Breakfast” at the Counter of a local favorite Restaurant… He observed a Native French-Canadian sidle up to him at the counter and order his own meal in his native language.
While the American was rapidly stuffing his Kisser with Bacon, a Half Dozen Eggs and some ‘Etouffee’… He noticed that his accidental companion’s food arrived and just afterwards, the attractive Waitress looked right into his eyes and whispered “Bon Appétit… Mon Amour” .
The man looked downwards at his Breakfast and appeared to be just a little bit sad. Finally, after exhaling with a very deep sigh, he took a sip of his Coffee, picked up a nice, crisp piece of Bacon and began eating it ...very... very ...slowly.
The American spotted that Dead Center in the middle of the man’s steaming hot plate… was a Single Egg, Sunny-Side Up. He watched the man chewing his food ever so slowly. Finally, his curiosity overcame him.
He asked, “ ‘Scuse me, Buddy… But … Why is such a Big Man like yourself eating Only One Egg?” The Native Canadian leaned back in his chair, gave out with another deep sigh, then smiled broadly and answered, “Because You, Mon Ami… are in Quebec… and when One has Breakfast in Quebec… AND the Waitress is his Wife AND she has him on a Low Cholesterol Diet… then “One Egg ...is An Oeuf...”
While the American was rapidly stuffing his Kisser with Bacon, a Half Dozen Eggs and some ‘Etouffee’… He noticed that his accidental companion’s food arrived and just afterwards, the attractive Waitress looked right into his eyes and whispered “Bon Appétit… Mon Amour” .
The man looked downwards at his Breakfast and appeared to be just a little bit sad. Finally, after exhaling with a very deep sigh, he took a sip of his Coffee, picked up a nice, crisp piece of Bacon and began eating it ...very... very ...slowly.
The American spotted that Dead Center in the middle of the man’s steaming hot plate… was a Single Egg, Sunny-Side Up. He watched the man chewing his food ever so slowly. Finally, his curiosity overcame him.
He asked, “ ‘Scuse me, Buddy… But … Why is such a Big Man like yourself eating Only One Egg?” The Native Canadian leaned back in his chair, gave out with another deep sigh, then smiled broadly and answered, “Because You, Mon Ami… are in Quebec… and when One has Breakfast in Quebec… AND the Waitress is his Wife AND she has him on a Low Cholesterol Diet… then “One Egg ...is An Oeuf...”
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Mooseman
Moderator
northcreek
Member
How about this approach instead...
"Once a Chicken ...Always a Chicken... But Once an Egg ...is an Oeuf..."
"Once a Chicken ...Always a Chicken... But Once an Egg ...is an Oeuf..."
Mooseman
Moderator
You Guys REALLY ARE Gonna Need a BIGGER Boat...
The Great White Shark (Carcharodon carcharias)
The Best of Salesmen:
And now for something completely different...
Wapcaplet: (John Cleese) Welcome! Do sit down. My name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet.
Mr. Simpson: How'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell anything.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it...
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point! 'SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!'
S: What?
W: 'THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!'
S: For what?
W: 'A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!'
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attaching notes to pigeons' legs, Ahhhhh, destroying household pests...
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller, then you flog them to death with it!
S: Well surely!....
W: 'DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!'
And now for something completely different...
Wapcaplet: (John Cleese) Welcome! Do sit down. My name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet.
Mr. Simpson: How'd'y'do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
S: String.
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell anything.
S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it...
W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.
W: Well, that's our selling point! 'SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!'
S: What?
W: 'THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!'
S: For what?
W: 'A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!'
S: Such as?
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attaching notes to pigeons' legs, Ahhhhh, destroying household pests...
S: Destroying household pests?! How?
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller, then you flog them to death with it!
S: Well surely!....
W: 'DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!'
I believe I have just been convinced to change political parties 
Check out this new party
Check out this new party
Mooseman
Moderator
djthumper
Administrator
So I told the mrs. she has OCD 
cause she is 2 months older than me
(then for fun I sent it some of her close friends)
cause she is 2 months older than me
(then for fun I sent it some of her close friends)
Mooseman
Moderator
Mooseman
Moderator
Mark Hamill was so “Star Struck” at just how “COOL” Harrison Ford was that he brought his Hero Worship to the “Star Wars” set almost daily. On one occasion, just after the Director George Lucas was finishing up a shot Directing Hamill as Luke Skywalker, Ford as Han Solo and Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in the famous "Trash-Compacter Crushing Escape Scene”,
Hamill suddenly leaned over and whispered to Harrison Ford, “Pssst! Hey!"
"Since we all just got Soaked in Wet Garbage… Shouldn't I have more Dirt, Uhhh and Schmutz in my Hair?”
The "Ultra-Cool" Ford waited for Lucas to walk away momentarily, then he slowly turned around, looked right at Hamill and with that famous low and measured deep voice and wearing a straight face, he replied, “Look, Kid… It Ain’t THAT kinda Movie… If anybody's looking at YOUR Hair… We’re in REAL Trouble…”
Hamill suddenly leaned over and whispered to Harrison Ford, “Pssst! Hey!"
"Since we all just got Soaked in Wet Garbage… Shouldn't I have more Dirt, Uhhh and Schmutz in my Hair?”
The "Ultra-Cool" Ford waited for Lucas to walk away momentarily, then he slowly turned around, looked right at Hamill and with that famous low and measured deep voice and wearing a straight face, he replied, “Look, Kid… It Ain’t THAT kinda Movie… If anybody's looking at YOUR Hair… We’re in REAL Trouble…”
Feel free to use Denise's words against your young'uns if needed this Christmas 
How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you
call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the
person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the
person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
First new one for 2021:
I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
"Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
"Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
This isn't a riddle or joke, but just plain funny,
An officer in Staffordshire, central England, labeled the thieves the "world's unluckiest burglars" and likened them to the ill-fated crooks in the movie "Home Alone."
He said one of the pair mistakenly sat on his phone and rang 999, the UK's emergency number, allowing officers to hear the crime in progress and ultimately listen in on their colleagues arresting the duo.
"I think we have just arrested the world's unluckiest burglars," Chief Inspector John Owen wrote on Twitter.
"Whilst committing a burglary one of the bungling burglars has accidentally sat on his phone & dialed 999," he wrote.
"We (received) a call detailing all of their antics up to the point of hearing our patrols arrive to arrest them."
Adding insult to injury, Owen included a gif of the "Home Alone" character Marv, who proves comically unsuited to a life of crime in the Macaulay Culkin Christmas movie.
www.wcvb.com
It would be hilarious if the officers showed up playing "Here's Your Sign" by Jeff Foxworthy
'World's unluckiest burglars' arrested after pocket-dialing police during robbery
Two hapless burglars have been arrested in the UK after accidentally pocket-dialing the police during their crime.An officer in Staffordshire, central England, labeled the thieves the "world's unluckiest burglars" and likened them to the ill-fated crooks in the movie "Home Alone."
He said one of the pair mistakenly sat on his phone and rang 999, the UK's emergency number, allowing officers to hear the crime in progress and ultimately listen in on their colleagues arresting the duo.
"I think we have just arrested the world's unluckiest burglars," Chief Inspector John Owen wrote on Twitter.
"Whilst committing a burglary one of the bungling burglars has accidentally sat on his phone & dialed 999," he wrote.
"We (received) a call detailing all of their antics up to the point of hearing our patrols arrive to arrest them."
Adding insult to injury, Owen included a gif of the "Home Alone" character Marv, who proves comically unsuited to a life of crime in the Macaulay Culkin Christmas movie.
'World's unluckiest burglars' arrested after pocket-dialing police during robbery
Two hapless burglars have been arrested in the UK after accidentally pocket-dialing the police during their crime.
www.wcvb.com
It would be hilarious if the officers showed up playing "Here's Your Sign" by Jeff Foxworthy