Jokes and Riddles

[Redbeard]

Fred was henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist about the problem.

The doctor told him, “You don’t have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you’re the boss!”

Fred got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me! When I get home from now on, I want my supper on the table.

“I want you go right now and lay out my clothes. I’m going out with the boys.

“And you’re going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who’s going to tie my tie?”

Fred’s wife replied calmly, “The undertaker?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

 

[Redbeard]

Ronald Reagan:

“This is the story of a realtor who was out driving on a back road on his way to look at some property and suddenly noticed that beside him was a chicken keeping pace with him, and he was doing 60 miles an hour.

“And suddenly the chicken spurted out ahead of him. And it looked to him as if the chicken had three legs. And then it turned and went down a side road and into a barnyard. And the driver turned down that lane and drove into the barnyard. There was a farmer there, and he asked him, ‘Did you see a chicken go by here?’ And the farmer says, ‘Yep.’ ‘Did it have three legs?’ ‘Yep. I raise them that way. I breed them.’

“Then the realtor asks, ‘You do? How come?’ He responds, ‘Well, I just love the drumstick and Maw always liked the drumstick and now Junior’s come along and he likes it, and we just got tired of fighting over it. So I’ve been breeding three-legged chickens.’

“The realtor then asks, ‘Well how do they taste?’ And the farmer replies, ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been able to catch one yet.'”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

[Redbeard]

A police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time.

He pulls up next to her, points to the off-ramp and shouts, “PULL OVER!”

She replies,”No a pair of socks.”

 

[Mooseman]

FINALLY … A HUSBAND WHO LISTENS!!!

He said: “What can I help you with?”

She said: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

Spoiler: The result...

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

 

[Redbeard]

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.

The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i's

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it Linda

 

[Redbeard]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver – who by this time is scared out of his wits – yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

 

[Redbeard]

Overheard at the DMV office in Florida:

“Would you like to donate your organs?”

“Yes. Take my prostate, please.”

 

[Mooseman]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........



"A Chihuahua? They gave me a bloody Chihuahua?!"

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

 

[Redbeard]

We were four, frugal, young teachers. But once a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer.

As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?

The maitre d’ met us at the door, all smiles and bows.

When he took my coat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer.

Then the maitre d’ returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my sleeve.

“Madam,” he said, “Your Bounce.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What do a Kenworth semi-truck and a test tube baby have in common?

A: Neither one's Peterbilt.

 

[Redbeard]

During an Army war game, a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get it unstuck.

“Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been classified dead, and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.”

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here, and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q. A prisoner is forced to go into one of three rooms, but he can choose which room. The first room is ablaze with fire. The second one is rigged with explosives that will go off as soon as he enters. The third contains a pair of lions who haven't eaten in years. Which room should he choose to survive?







A. The third room—any lions who hadn't eaten in years would be dead!

 

[Redbeard]

Why can't male ants sink?
Because they are buoy-ant.

 

[Redbeard]

One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota, The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena’s house.

As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back toward the house.

It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?”

Lena replied, “Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.
She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it.
The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times.

A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman?
The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What car does a Proctologist drive?
A: A brown Ford Probe.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Son: What;'s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?


Dad: Well that's your Uncle Frank. That is where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, but I never understood why.


Son: Maybe it is so he could be Frank-in-Stein?






Dad: --- That SON OF A BITCH!

 

[Redbeard]

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer $5 to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, “At that price, I should think you’d want to be pulling people out of the mud day and night.”

“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

 

[Redbeard]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Girls are like an internet virus:
they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...

 

[Redbeard]

A daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn’t understand.

He said that I have beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad replied, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil
with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will
start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why couldn’t the Ghostbusters ever finish Oregon Trail?


Because they couldn’t cross the streams!

 

[Redbeard]

As a realtor, I deal with personalities of all kinds.

Recently, I took a couple to see a home and they seemed eager to check out the magnificent view from the living room.

But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband had this to say:

“Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.


– The odds were against me.

 

[Redbeard]

So your buddy says he has Street Smarts, then ask him this...

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/auntyacid/s-2137764

 

[Redbeard]

Where do Home Schooled children go for detention




https://www.wnd.com/category/diversions/joke/

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

A group of 40-year-old buddies – David, Michael and Steven – discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the waiters and waitresses there were very young and very fast.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the restaurant was wheel-chair accessible, the restrooms were close and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they had never been there before.

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/bc/

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport . The
pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descentinto Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
Begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
Stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn
the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag
And down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta
Take a shit first."

 

[Redbeard]

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a member of the congregation, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

“Can’t you see, Ben,” intoned the parson, “that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?”

“Well, I sort of disagree there,” replied the backslider. “It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea