After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff … like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit"
Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise; Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused - responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker.
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
This weekend I plan to send this note to my nephew whose 2nd anniversary is upcoming in Jan. How to answer the question "when are you going to have kids?"
When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kids...
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny phrases.
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately. “You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome toWal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
Finally…The blonde jokes to end all blonde jokes! A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “Its square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Ok, you can go. I didnt realise yo were a cop…”
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”
The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”
The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”
The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”