Jokes and Riddles

Mooseman

Moderator
The Ex Wife

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff … like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit"

Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn’t...
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

“I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise; Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused - responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker.



Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

When his daughter walked sleepily into the kitchen, her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”

“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.

“Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car,” he replied.
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman responds, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptist.”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
What Is the Difference Between Stabbing a Man and Killing a Hog?

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One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.

“What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?” she asked.

“First I’d have to know more about the child,” the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. “He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age,” she said. “He has good coordination, expresses himself very well …”

“Oh, I see,” the psychologist interrupted, “It’s YOUR child!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
This weekend I plan to send this note to my nephew whose 2nd anniversary is upcoming in Jan. How to answer the question "when are you going to have kids?"

When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kids...
reply:
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny phrases.
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
I took a real-estate client to a handyman special.

The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling.

Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately. “You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Just before midnight on December the 31st raise your LEFT leg. So when the clock strikes midnight you can start the New Year out on the Right foot.
 

Drec

Well-Known Member
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome toWal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
 

Drec

Well-Known Member
Finally…The blonde jokes to end all blonde jokes! A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “Its square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Ok, you can go. I didnt realise yo were a cop…”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”
The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”
The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”
The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, “There’s a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?”

He told her there was a can under the sink.

“Honey,” she called. “This is ant-and-roach spray.”

“Well,” her husband replied. “Don’t show him the label.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, the neighborhood paperboy learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when they were turned down.

One potential customer told the boy, “I’ve got papers and magazines strewn all over the place – I don’t need any more clutter.”

The young salesman replied, “Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
 

Mooseman

Moderator
This will be appreciated by our resident Aussie @Matt :biggrin:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
 

Mooseman

Moderator
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “Not particularly but she will be home shortly”.
 

Matt

Silver Supporter
This will be appreciated by our resident Aussie @Matt :biggrin:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

:crackup::crackup::crackup:
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes please, I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself... 'I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me?'
 

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