Jokes and Riddles

[Mooseman]

After his examination the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

 

[Blackwater]

Farmer had 200 hens, but no rooster. Knowing that he wants chicks, he would need a rooster. So he travels to his neighbor's farm and asked if he had one. The neighbor said he had a rooster named Rick, but it would cost him. The farmer agrees and though he paid way too much for Rick that he better be a good one. When he gets home he sets Rick on the ground in the front lawn and told Rick he has 200 hens and to pace himself because he doesn't want anything to happen to him. Just like as if the Rick understood the farmer, Rick shoots off straight into the first hen house. few moments later the next hen house. After the hens, Rick went into the duck house. Then the goose house. Lastly, the turkey house. Then shot out through the field chasing the dove and quail. Thinking that he will never see Rick again, the farmer decides to call it a night. The next morning the Farmer sees Rick laying in the front lawn with vultures circling above. Farmer walks over shaking his head at Ricks lifeless body and bends down to Rick and says, "I told you to pace yourself". Rick opens one eye and puts one of his wing tips in front of his beak and says, "shhh, There getting closer."

 

[littleblazer]

Did you mean to say, Fish with no eye?

Potato patato

 

[Redbeard]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A Pentecostal Minister was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to Dublin, Ireland. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a rum & coke, which was poured and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Pentecostal Minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too, I didn't know we had a choice

 

[Redbeard]

What yearbook superlative was Robert E. Lee given at graduation? Most likely to secede.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A fellow that was serving overseas and far from home was pissed off when his girlfriend wrote that she is breaking up with him and asking for her photograph back, so he went and ask his buddies for all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"I regret I can not remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others."

 

[Redbeard]

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says
"He you know we have a drink named after you"
and the grasshopper says
"You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[Mooseman]

NEGATIVITY

This is something to think about when negative people are doingtheir best to rain on your parade.
So, remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million re-modelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me ...."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"

 

[Redbeard]

Mooseman that was Good! "He said: "Who screwed up your hair?" so concise words hit much harder don't they.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

[Blackwater]

A fellow that was serving overseas and far from home was pissed off when his girlfriend wrote that she is breaking up with him and asking for her photograph back, so he went and ask his buddies for all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"I regret I can not remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others."

I've seen this one many times. I would have done the same thing.

 

[Blackwater]

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other but as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

nice

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A man pulls up next to a girl walking home from school and said: "If you get in, I'll give you a Lollypop."
The girl kept on walking and the man said: "If you get in I'll give you two Lollypops."
The girl kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued walking. The man said: "Get in and I'll give you a whole bag of Lollypops."
Finally, the girl turned and said: "Look Dad, You bought the FORD, You ride in it!!!"

 

[Redbeard]

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A deer hunter got on his hands and knees to take a closer at some tracks. That’s when he got hit by the train.

 

[Blackwater]

Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked up at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she is there and it's His problem now."

 

[Redbeard]

The following are paraprosdokians.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous:

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multitasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.



I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.



Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.



If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?



Money is the root of all wealth





Here’s another one to add to the list:



Tact is the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a fashion that in ten minutes they’ll be packed and looking forward to an enjoyable trip.

 

[Blackwater]

Adult Truths series:

The older you get, you will look at your watch more often in a ten minutes time and still don't know or remember what time it is.

 

[Blackwater]

Sothern truths:

When leaving church, the wife and kids would be in the car and the husband would still be leaning on the car talking to another male member for another 30 minutes.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’

 

[Redbeard]

One day, a man notices that his next door neighbor is erecting a tightrope in the backyard. The neighbor goes out to practice every day. He uses balancing bars, carries weights, and even pedals a unicycle across.

Then he starts focusing his practice on the tightrope with a wheel barrow. Every day, he puts more and more weight in the wheel barrow and goes back and forth on the tight rope.

One day, the man chats with his neighbor. “I’ve been watching you practicing on the tightrope for weeks now, and have to say, you’re amazing. But, what’s it all for?” the neighbor asks.

“I’m glad you’ve noticed. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, I’m going to cross over Niagra Falls on my tightrope. Why don’t you come out and see?” the man replies.

The next day, the neighbor is there watching the man get ready for his big show.

“Do you believe I can make it?”

“Oh yes, I’ve seen you practice. You can do it – easy!”

“Great – get in the wheel barrow.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: Why is Pokemon Go a lifesaver?


A: Because it gives Kia owners have something to do while they walk home.

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/dennisthemenace/s-2106513

 

[mrrsm]

As a Bizarre Comedian, Robert Francis Goldthwait… AKA “Bobcat” Goldthwait had a recent occasion to make a rare appearance doing some Stand-Up Comedy for a raucous crowd and after getting only modest laughter during the early portions of his “Bit”… he could hear some of the people in the back row yelling out,

“FREEBIRD!”
“FREEBIRD”
“FREEBIRD”

...this matter went on and on to the point where “Bobcat” stopped in Mid-Joke and grabbed the Mike to challenge the Hecklers by asking in his loud, crazy and strident voice, “Wwwwwwhy do you Guys keeeeeeeep saying “FREEBIRD!….FREEBIRD!”… The Guys from Lynard Skynard … They’re ALL DEAD NOOOOOOW!”

At this point he observed practically everyone in the entire Front Row stand up and what looked like a Group of Biker Dudes...all tatted up, bearded up and Country looking, angrily approached the stage. One of them pointed up at “Bobcat”and said… “Not ALL of us are Dead… We’ve just been waiting for you to finish… So WE can get up there... and Play!”

 

[Redbeard]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/thelockhorns/

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "Just to let everyone know, I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music." The bartender says it's fine, and the man stays.

The next day the same man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're both gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music." The bartender says it's fine and there's nothing to worry about, and the men stay.

The next day the man comes back again. This time he has even more men with him and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're all gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender says it's really, really, really fine. But he finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

 

[Redbeard]

On the first day of school, the third-grade teacher addressed her class.

“From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.

“You may not use them as you recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter. The first one is ‘gross’ and the other one is ‘cool.’

“Are there any questions?”

A little boy’s hand shot up.

“So, what are they?”

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/work...ehid=3044fbf51be63f986300ffe3013dc3271382bc60

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[Mooseman]

That one is as old as dirt but still good.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

[Mooseman]

Must be "hate lawyers day" today. Here's my contributions:

What do you call 10 lawyers at the bottom of a lake?

A good start!
------------------------------

A lawyer was cross examining a police officer in court and asked:
"Do you trust your fellow police officers that work with you?"

And the officer responded: "Yes I do, with my life!"

Lawyer: "Do you have a lock on your locker?"

Officer: "Yes"

Lawyer: "Well, if you trust your fellow officers so much, why do you lock your locker?"

Officer: " Well, you see, we share the building with a lawyer's office and they sometimes cut through our locker room."

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water…

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/thelockhorns/

 

[Redbeard]

Q: How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?

A: He jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.