Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83-years-old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel as good as the day I was born.”
“Really? Like the day you were born?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way.
Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.
Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.
Then his car hit the pig.
A tired mother of four energetic little children opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "Oh, absolutely," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give your two boys, two girls, or one of each."
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample a Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 – $5 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, “There is a large market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at R. Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “The right name is definitely important."
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
Ralph feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Ralph was in the den. He thought to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
Then in a normal tone, he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
So he moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, “Peg, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next, he moved into the dining room, where he was about 20 feet from his wife, and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again, he got no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her. “Peg, what’s for dinner?”
“For heaven’s sake, Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,
“You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !” The old man looks up and replies, “OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?”
James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.
James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeeper's buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the building and some branches.
"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.
So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... and the ball caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.
A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.
He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.
"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot."
"Why not?" Ashley asked him.
"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."
"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"
"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"
Women, don't do this!
In your house its ok if you want or where no one sees them but not in a restaurant. It is a public place devoted to food consumption.
The truth is I don't agree, I don't know what you think, but it makes me sick.
I know that many will come out to defend it, and they will say a lot of things in their favor, but they won't even change my mind about this act.
It's a bad habit. You can tell what's been instilled in her house and it looks like it's normal for her, as if nothings happened, but... don’t be putting your dirty flip flops on top of the table. It isn't right.
There was this wise old man who lived near a magical cliff. Three people went to visit him, and take him some gifts, in his last days on Earth. The old man wanted to return the favor, so he let them in on a little secret about the magical cliff.
He told them that if they ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped off, that they could turn into anything they wished. They only needed to scream the name of what they wanted to become as they jumped off the cliff.
So, the first guy tried it.
He ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped off, and screamed "EAGLE!" He didn't even make it to the bottom, because he turned into a majestic eagle and soared away on his powerful new wings.
The second guy was excited. So, he, too, ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped off, and screamed "Corvette!" He hit the bottom on his new, sticky, wide tires, and zoomed away down the road as a brand new, shiny Corvette.
The third guy decided he would try as well. As he ran to the edge of the cliff, he caught his foot on an old tree root, and tripped over the edge. As he fell, he cursed and yelled SSSHHHHHIIIIITTTTTT. When he hit the bottom, he was a big pile of stinky POOP.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."