Jokes and Riddles

[Redbeard]

The Difference between “complete” and “finished”

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “Completely finished.”

 

[Mooseman]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

YOU MIGHT BE A RICE BOY IF ...

... you find yourself using the excuse 'yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude after EVERY race
... you drive a 4 door 'type R'
... your gumby pants make it hard to shift
... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath
... you have stickers that even most asians don't get
... you have stickers for parts you dont have
... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot'
... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side
... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter
... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter
... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer
... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees
... you sell crack for the image...not the money
... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is...
... you will only race if the other guy removes four spark plugs
... you can't race uphills
... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial in
... you brag to have nitrous and have a 14.50 dial in
... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars
... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car
... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin
... your tach is bigger than your head
... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic
... you refuse to race because it's a "show car"
... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip
... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross.
... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager
... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed.
... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/dennisthemenace/

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Do you know what grinds my gears?

Clutch failure.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?

The Old Volks home.

What do you call a used car salesman?

A car-deal-ologist.

 

[Redbeard]

Ever wondered why baby diapers have brand names like “Luvs” and “Huggies,” while undergarments for the elderly are called “Depends.”

There’s a simple explanation.

When babies go to the bathroom in their diapers, family members still want to “luv ’em” and “hug ’em.”

When the elderly go to the bathroom in their diapers, it “depends” on who’s in the will!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game... While using a golf ball.

 

[Redbeard]

Teacher: “Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of baseball.”

Jonah: “Here’s my paper, teacher.”

Teacher: “Jonah, you barely spent two minutes writing your essay! Read me what you wrote.”

Jonah: “Game called off on account of rain.”

 

[Redbeard]

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” the embarrassed woman said after the church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“To be honest, I did find it rather disconcerting,” the reverend replied.

“Oh, it’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the parishoner.

“Bob has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/shoe/

 

[Redbeard]

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

NOAH: Knock, knock!
JONAH: Who’s there?
NOAH: Howl.
JONAH: Howl, who?
NOAH: Howl you know unless you open the door?

 

[Redbeard]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them," said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on the plane last year." The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said, "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year."

 

[Redbeard]

Vegetables are a must on a diet.
I suggest Carrot Cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.
You can tell you've eaten to much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

 

[Redbeard]

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was “comfortable underwear.”

Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”

“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she answered. “If you smile, put them back.”

 

[Redbeard]

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A. Scholar ships.

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A. A Turkey

What did the Turkey say to the computer?
A. Google, google, google!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Biff: Why did the turkey cross the road?
Bob: I don’t know.
Biff: It was Thanksgiving Day, and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!


Charles: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Mary: I haven’t a clue.
Charles: Peach gobbler!

 

[Redbeard]

I left my laptop on the floor of my room.

My grandma thought it was a scale.

Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950.

 

[Redbeard]

remember this the next time you go to the doctors:

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.”

“I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“Why do you say that?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A lady walks into a Honda dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Honda Accord and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors they’d be a chicken sedan

 

[Blackstar]

You have a hole in your sock.
These are my golf socks.
What do you mean?
I got a hole in one.

 

[Redbeard]

Indicators that your employer is enrolling employees in Obamacare:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the RV park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

And the No. 1 sign you’ve joined Obamacare:

(1) You receive your notice that you’re now a part-time employee instead of full-time.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A pumpkin patch...

Who is a skeleton's favorite emperor?
Napoleon Boneaparte...

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'll have two beers and a mop...

What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let's wrap this case up...

Why can't skeletons play music in church?
Because they have no organs...

 

[Redbeard]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A lawyer's dog, runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
An angry butcher goes to the lawyer's office and politely asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer smiles and answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was unleashed and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

 

[Redbeard]

Can anyone relate?


https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/thelockhorns/

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What does the GT stand for on a Ford?
A: Glued together!

Q: What does GT-P stand for on a Ford?
A: Glued together properly.

Q: How come Ford makes tractors and Holden doesn’t?
A: Holden can’t get one to run that slow!

Q: How do you double the value of a Ford?
A: Put fuel in it!

Q: How long can a ford go for with out repairs?
A: Depends if you can leave the ford dealer.

Q: What does a ford and a tampon have in common?
A: They both come with tow ropes.

 

[Redbeard]

From RockAuto December 2018 issue

Repair Mistakes & Blunders
One icy winter evening, the family set out in our ’68 Catalina. The Pontiac had a “miss,” which we noticed before, but had not diagnosed. After a few miles, the miss became more pronounced and rather than chance breaking down on a cold night, we decided to return home. Once home, my dad opened the hood, saw dripping fuel from a fuel line burst into flames and quickly ran for a fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. By the time the fire was doused, the wiring, tires and everything else in the front end had gone up in flames. The keys even melted in the ignition. We reported the incident to the insurance company, and they agreed to send a tow truck sometime in the next day or so.

The following morning, our next door neighbor was having trouble starting her car and called her roadside assistance service to check the battery. Later that day, a tow truck came up our driveway, and the driver asked my mother, “Is this the car?” while pointing to the burned out Pontiac. She said "yes," thinking our insurance company had come to tow the car. He pensively walked around the Pontiac's carcass, looked at the burned tires and melted dash, lifted the scorched hood and replied, “Lady, I don’t think I can get this started.” The tow truck driver was at the wrong house.

https://www.rockauto.com/Newsletter/#triviaq

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He's been like that for half-an-hour now.

Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.

The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, "Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

The sad guy sobs, "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I'm late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car's been stolen. The cops said there's nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I've left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I'm thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[Mooseman]

And I thought it was going to be a "urine test".

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Travelling salesman walks into a bar in a one horse town...
"
After a few drinks he approaches the bartender... "Barkeep! I need a woman". Bartender says "sorry Mac, the best I can do for you is Singaloo, the cook". Guy spits back "I don't go for that shit!" And sits down again. Few more drinks he goes back to the bartender: "look, if money is the problem I'll take care of you, her... Whatever - I just need a woman". Again the tender replies "sorry, Mac. Best I can do is Singaloo the cook". And again the guy says "I don't go for that shit!!". Naturally, after a few more drinks he approaches the bartender one last time... "Ok. Fine. Singaloo the cook it is. Where do I find him?"

Bar tender says "go in the back. In about 5 minutes I'll send in Singaloo, RJ and Maurice".

Guy says "who the hell are RJ and Maurice???!!!"

Bartender says: "oh, they're gonna hold him down. Singaloo doesn't go for that shit either!!!"

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

The guys were all on a golf trip. No one wanted to room with Bob​

because he snored so badly.​

​

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the​

whole time, so they voted to take turns.​

​

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning​

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.​

​

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, " Bob snored so​

loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."​

​

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same​

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.​

​

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!​

​

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched​

him all night."​

​

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a​

man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and​

bushy-tailed.​

​

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,​

what happened?"​

​

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked. Bob into bed,​

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.​

​

Bob sat up and watched me all night."​

​

With age comes wisdom.​

 

[Mooseman]

 

[Redbeard]

https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/pickles/