Jokes and Riddles

[Redbeard]

Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
Boy: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Boy: “Seven!”
Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”
Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!’

 

[Mooseman]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, .. a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

 

[xavierny25]

I couldn't locate the Craigslist finds on the site so I'm going to set this right here.

newyork.craigslist.org/fct/boa/d/flex-tape-kayak/6618379385.html

Mod edit: Better link:
https://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/boa/d/flex-tape-kayak/6618379385.html

 

[Redbeard]

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”

 

[Blackstar]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief.....


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

 

[Redbeard]

I developed a skin rash that itched like crazy. My wife said that I was imagining things and that it would go away on its own.

I went to the doctor anyway, despite her eye rolls, and he prescribed a gloating ointment.

Now I can't wait to rub it in.

 

[Redbeard]

A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?”

The trainer replied: “Try the ATM outside the gym!

 

[Mooseman]

Just to clear things up...

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

 

[Redbeard]

Husband and wife … sitting on the deck … having a glass of wine …

Wife says, “I love you so much I don’t know how I could live without you.”

Husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”

 

[Redbeard]

Worried about an IRS audit?

Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for.

As an example, if you have some money left in your bank account after paying your taxes. That’s a red flag.

 

[Redbeard]

There was a poor young minister whose new wife was extravagant.

When she came home one day in an expensive coat, he exclaimed, “You know we can’t afford clothes like that!”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “The devil made me buy it.”

“You should have said ‘Satan, get thee behind me!'” the minister admonished.

“I did,” his wife replied. “But he called over my shoulder that it fit me beautifully in the back, too.”

 

[Redbeard]

Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port
They can Scandinavian

 

[Redbeard]

A father was driving his son to school when he inadvertently made an illegal turn at some traffic lights. Realizing his mistake, he said:

“Oops, I just made an illegal turn.”

“It’s OK, Dad,” said his son. “The police car behind us did the same thing.”

 

[Drec]

An old guy gets up in the morning and his wife asks him, "what are going to do today". He thought for a few minutes and said, "nothing". Then she said, "that's what you did yesterday! Then he said, "but, I didn't finish"!

 

[Redbeard]

Several expectant couples were gathered at the local hospital to attend a childbirth class.

The instructor offered advice and explained the benefits of exercise.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the instructor.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

 

[Redbeard]

Once there were three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle.

Aware of her charms, she said, “I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an intelligent sentence.”

The Lab said, “I like liver and cheese.”

“No imagination at all,” said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted out, “I hate liver and cheese.”

“That’s worse than the Lab,” she snickered.

Finally, the tiny chihuahua smiled at his competition, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

 

[wstuckey1]

Have you ever heard of the Newfie Evel Knievel? He jumped 15 Harley Davidsons in a Mac truck.

 

[Redbeard]

One day, the devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance. I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here.”

“True,” snickered the devil. “But I have all the umpires.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan?

A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.

 

[xavierny25]

What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan?

A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.

I can truly say this about my brothers 2014 Nissan pathfinder what a POS. 02 sensors have had to be replaced twice already @ the dealer, It eats threw front brake pads like no ones business and front driver side wheel hub is already whining like a B. To top it off it only has just shy of 40k miles on the clock.

 

[Redbeard]

What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan?

A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.
My 1991 nissan p.u. went 365,000 miles without a problem. Sold it in 2010 and it is still being driven in Costa Rica. Motor still ran strong when I gave it to a friend of mine whose son is going to college in Costa Rica. For a truck that only cost me about 9 grand it earned it's keep many times over.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

 

[Mooseman]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and, holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now ..... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.



"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
-
But she figured out I was only after my money.

 

[Redbeard]

Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”

 

[Redbeard]

A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup.” He summons a waiter to complain.

The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and yells to the chef in the kitchen, “Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

 

[northcreek]

"I didn't make you as smart as woman, so here's a little something to do your thinking for you"

 

[Redbeard]

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.

NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 ..

NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.

WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

 

[northcreek]

Two ship wrecked men swim to an Island where they are quickly captured by the natives there.
The Chief says that the men are invaders and must be punished, so he gives the men two choices, "BoBo" or "death".
The first man doesn't want to die and chooses "BoBo" whereupon all the men in the village sodomize the man until he is barely alive.
The second man seeing this chooses death !... whereupon the Chief cries,
"Death by BoBo!"

 

[mrrsm]

In the prelude leading up to World War Two… There was no shortage of people in Great Britain that had their own beefs against the British Government. But you’d be hard pressed to find very many Nazi Sympathizers numbered among them.

And so it came with no small amount of shock, surprise and public dismay over the presence of a small group of rich, Pro-Hitler Aristocratic racists who called themselves “The Cliveden Group” living on The Emerald Isle in sharp contrast against the other Freedom Loving English People.

On one occasion… Lady Astor... The rich woman who was the ostensible Leader of this gaggle of miscreants was present at a meet and greet which included Sir Winston Churchill within the party. He had once commented. “If Herr Hitler were ever to Invade HELL… I would have to say a few, sympathetic words on behalf of The Devil in front of The House of Commons...”

When the opportunity presented itself, Lady Astor shouted out an insult towards the Elder English Statesman by yelling: “Sir… If your were MY Husband… I Would Put Poison in Your Tea!”

With typical aplomb and after extricating his ever-present Cigar in order to speak ...Churchill was heard to reply, “Madam… If I WERE your Husband… I Would Drink it!”

 

[Redbeard]

true story:
Florida deputy records amusing rant about slow tortoise on road

A deputy from Marion County went on a funny tirade while he was held up in traffic due to a slow tortoise on the road.
Bryan Bowman with the Marion County Sheriff's Office recorded the wild encounter where he jokingly went on a rant. When he noticed the tortoise in the road, he flipped on his patrol car lights to slow down traffic until the reptile exited the road.
In the video, at first he films himself saying, “The nerve of this guy!”
“He’s literally going one mile-per-hour in a 30 mile-per-hour zone,” he added. “I mean, this guy is easily 100. He shouldn’t be on the roadways to begin with. I tried to talk to him, but he snapped at me. I don’t know what this guy’s deal is.”
He flipped the camera forward to show the road, and the slow tortoise.

“Come on, grandpa! I got places to be,” he said. “Everybody wants to drive slow with a cop car behind. Can’t get nowhere on time.”
http://www.fox13news.com/news/flori...akes-traffic-jokes-with-slow-tortoise-on-road

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?

2 Fast 2 Curious.

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What do you call it when an officer in a Charger pursues a suspect in an Impala?
A; A Chevy Chase.

 

[Mooseman]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's Parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed One."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

[Redbeard]

The pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match.”

The pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can’t lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the pope of his success in the contest.

“I came in second, Your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!” exclaimed the surprised pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

 

[Redbeard]

While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt.

When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose.

Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”

 

[littleblazer]

What does a fish with no I sound like?

Fsh.

 

[northcreek]

What does a fish with no I sound like?

Fsh.

Did you mean to say, Fish with no eye?