Jokes and Riddles

[mrrsm]

When The Cook Made His Chicken Pot Pie
He was Shocked; It Flew Into the Sky!
Saying, “I Used a Smidgen
Of ‘Carrier Pigeon’...
So They’ll Come Home to ‘Roast’ ...Bye and Bye!”

 

[Mooseman]

Does your wife have those “let’s get serious” moments?
Well, my wife has these days when she wants "us to talk about things".

We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her "What will you do if I die before you do?

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?”

I replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

[Redbeard]

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and the year’s first snow came early and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve spent the winters in Florida.”

 

[mrrsm]

A Famous Big City Pâtissier(French Pastry Chef) was working late while getting ready for a High Class Wedding and as he and his staff finished cleaning up the shop… He forgot to turn off the HDTV that was set on the Turner Classic Movies Channel. When everyone arrived early that same morning to get ready to transport all for the amazing puff pastries, hand cakes and of course chilling in the back walk-in cooler was the Pièce de Résistance…The Wedding Cake in cool and quiet repose.

Unfortunately… when Chef Pierre crossed the threshold… all he could see across his path leading to his kitchen ...were piles of Crumpled Cookies… and the mush-mash of cakes and pies with their cream filled and apple, pumpkin and berry contents decorating the walls and counter tops. As he quietly surveyed the violence of this this culinary disaster… he grabbed a wooden folding chair and took his rest while ordering most of his staff to remain outside the shop to fend off arriving customers until he could figure out what had happened...and more importantly… why?

The Chef spoke calmly to his First Assistant, “Henri… Bring me a small serving table and be careful not to slip and fall on these floors...and then place one of the undamaged Puff Pastries on a covered plate here...(gesturing to his left side) and then place that sweet, small Birthday Cake over here...(naturally indicating towards his right side). As his assistant complied he asked, “Maestro… Should I call the Police?” while placing the spotless confections on their assigned plates. Chef Pierre replied with a smile… “Of course not, Henri… I’ll sort this out on my own…You…? You just watch... and listen ...and learn...”

Henri lifted the covers from both trays exposing the confections and with a broad smile on his narrow face… the chef inquired, “Well… How are we doing this morning… Hmmm?’ The Birthday Cake blurted out… “Well Sir… THIS is NOT our fault… THEY are the ones that started this...” Henri stepped back with his jaw dropping in real surprise and whispering, “Mon Dieu… Maestro… How is this even possible?” His employer waved him silent with a small gesture and continued by addressing the Puff Pastry… by then, sagging somewhat on the plate at room temperature and looking very guilty when asked, “Well PUFF… What have you to say about this...hmmm?” The Pastry looked up and blurted out...” We were all getting along fine Sir…Just watching Caddy Shack… and everybody was having fun until Chevy Chase told Danny… “...and a Donut without a Hole Danny… is a Danish….Na..Na...Na...Na...Nah”

The Chef stared disapprovingly at “PUFF’ and then looked back at the Birthday Cake asking, “And so… What did YOU do…?” The demure and decorated cake slouched down a bit on the plate and confessed… “ We Laughed… Maestro… But I mean…Look… it was Chevy Chase for God’s Sake… and it was FUNNY as HELL!” The Puff Pastry leaned angrily towards the Birthday Cake and was only restrained by a stern look from Chef Pierre who then glared right back at the Birthday Cake and asked… “So what did YOU say then?” The Guilty Confection said, “I yelled at him… “YOU WANT A PIECE...OF ME?” and THAT is when All Hell Broke Loose and the Food Fight was ON ...Sir!” The Chef shook his head in extreme disapproval and then leaned back in his chair to look up at Henri asking, “Well My Assistant… now that we know the truth of this matter ...What do you recommend as their punishment for starting all of this trouble?” Henri smiled a Devilish Grin and said… “Well Maestro… I think that at the very least… THESE Two ...need their Asses Chewed Out!” :>)

 

[Mooseman]

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.

To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:

'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

[Mooseman]

O.H & S WARNING

Due to a recent spate of injuries involving severe crush injuries to fingers,
the Department directs that the following Warning Label be placed in areas
where danger of such injuries may occur.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?













Boobies.

 

[Redbeard]

A British general had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Islands crisis. Upon returning to England, three soldiers who had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the general’s office.
“Since we weren’t actually at war,’ the general began, ‘I can’t give you any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. Well start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sir!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches, which comes to 140 pounds.”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches, which comes to 144 pounds.”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sir!”
General: “That’s a strange and modest request, son, but as you wish!
The general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Islands, sir!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

 

[Redbeard]

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more.”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

 

[miketx]

Guy goes in a store and asks for some deoderant. The clerk asks "Do you want the ball roll on?"

No, he says, it's for my underarms.

 

[Mooseman]

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man,"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No she didn't, she just walked in."

 

[Mooseman]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Mooseman]

This past weekend while riding my 1996 Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

[Redbeard]

Queen Elizabeth visits a factory. To the boss’s surprise, she greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug.
The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin’s tour.
Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.”
Morton shrugs and says,”We play golf together.”
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican.
During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope.
Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”

 

[Redbeard]

Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.
“What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman.
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.
“I’m sorry; what did you say?”
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”
“I still didn’t understand you.”
The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

 

[Redbeard]

Accountant: Between the money you’ve put away and Social Security projections, you’re looking at a figure of about 125 at retirement.
Client: That’s not much to live on each week.
Accountant: I meant your age.

 

[Redbeard]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and
reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which
one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare
graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around
combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell
all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
“Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did the total come to $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel
is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50.”

 

[Mooseman]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Maryland and
he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard!"

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Sprint Cup race is on a TV.

He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt jr is doing. The bartender says "Earnhardts is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around

the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around

the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 3rd",

after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times

The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if

Earnhardt wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"

 

[Redbeard]

Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in.
While one of the robbers takes money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on lawyer No. 1 jams something in lawyer No. 2’s hand.
Without looking down, lawyer No. 2 whispers, “What’s this?”
Lawyer No. 1 says, “It’s the $50 I owe you.”

 

[Redbeard]

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.
At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.
The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

 

[northcreek]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men.... are men.

 

[Mooseman]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, …. "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Better check the garage."

 

[Redbeard]

“I sentence you to six months in custody,” proclaimed the judge to the local tough guy convicted of armed robbery.
The criminal swaggered and interrupted, bragging, “I can do that standing on my head.”
Without missing a beat, the judge added, “And another 90 days to get you back on your feet.”

 

[Redbeard]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'



THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Make sure you understand the question before
offering the answer.

 

[Redbeard]

A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbors to pick them up.
The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

 

[Redbeard]

Hotel Guest Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

 

[northcreek]

An Irishman

phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.

'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?'

the intern asked.

'No,

this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

 

[Mooseman]

The Tale of two Irish pigs

Paddy Connor and Paddy O’Reilly, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears of my Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said, "Your Pig has chewed the ear off my Pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Paddy", he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and .......... you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!. HOW DE ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Mooseman]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doin', Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come ‘splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

 

[Redbeard]

I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
“Hi!” It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
“Mom,” I interrupted. “It’s five in the morning.”
“Really? What are you doing up so early?”