Jokes and Riddles

[Mooseman]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

[Redbeard]

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
A. Polaroids.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Ford's user's manual?

A: The train & bus schedule.

 

[Redbeard]

Best Headline Ever: Uranus Smells Like Farts

 

[Redbeard]

A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”
The friend said, “How flattering.”
The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”

 

[Redbeard]

Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains?
A: Because the kids have to play inside.

 

[Redbeard]

“I don’t get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.”
— Rodney Dangerfield

 

[Mooseman]

Scandalous!

This man is not wearing any socks!

 

[northcreek]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ? '
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.
''Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry sir. I had NO idea...'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

 

[Redbeard]

One of the questions from the career placement test which is given to applicants for a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters 'P N E S I' to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelt 'spine' became doctors. But the rest of the officers all go to flight school.

 

[Redbeard]

A Wise Doctor
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or
goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started
losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick."

 

[Redbeard]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it,” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “Yes! That’s it!”

 

[Redbeard]

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”
His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”
“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

 

[Redbeard]

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall.
The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.
The Englishman inside said,”Meow.”
“Just cats,” he thought.
He then prodded the second sack.
The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said, “Woof.”
“Just dogs,” he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said, “Potatoes!”

 

[Redbeard]

A patient says, “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip.
“I was having dinner with my mother-in-law, and I wanted to say, “Could you please pass the butter?
“But instead I said, ‘You silly woman, you have completely ruined my life.'”

 

[Redbeard]

The elderly widow brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer.
She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture.
He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
“I forgot,” she said. “But you can see for yourself when you take off his hat.”

 

[Redbeard]

One of the players on our junior-high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.
“Remember, Ben,” he told him, “everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team.”
“True,” said the boy. “But there is a Ben in bench.

 

[Redbeard]

“Why did you leave your last job?”
“It was something my boss said.”
“What did he say?”
“’You’re fired!’”

 

[Blackwater]

Young man was duck hunting near this farmers home. The young man shoots a duck which lands on this farmers barn and in his yard. The young man then walks over to retrieve the duck. When he gets there the farmer has his duck. The young man asks the farmer if he can have his duck. The farmer replied, "Your duck? This is my duck." The young man then explains, "I shot that duck and it landed in your yard." The farmer then looks at him and says, "Tell you what, we will take groin shots for the duck and I'll go first." The young man agrees. The farmer kicks the young man in the groin. Young man is on the ground in intense pain. He then gets up and says, "Well it looks like its my turn." The farmer throws the duck on the ground and walks away saying, "keep it, it's yours. I just wanted to see if you would go though with it."

 

[Redbeard]

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse!
You cannot post, “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[Redbeard]

What's Iron Man's favorite amusement park ride?

a ferrous wheel

I tried writing jokes about the periodic table...
...but I realized I wasn't quite in my element.

What should you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?
Keep telling them until you get a reaction.

 

[Redbeard]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the head nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
“The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded your act displays sound-mindedness.
“The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
“Oh, he didn’t hang himself,” Edna replied. “I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

 

[Mooseman]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the arsehole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5 Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

 

[Redbeard]

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door.
He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. Even so, he still looked wet and miserable.
As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, “May I have two bagels to go, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”
“Bernice is your wife?” asked the baker.
“What do you think,” snapped the little man, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

 

[Mooseman]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, NEVER ... Be Late!​

 

[Redbeard]

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays perfume all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

 

[Redbeard]

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies.
At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall.
From inside the coffin, the woman yells, “Ouch! That hurt!”
She lives another four years. She dies again.
At the funeral, the pallbearers are swinging the coffin.
The husband yells, “Watch out for the wall!”

 

[Redbeard]

On what object does RED mean go and Green mean stop?

a watermelon

 

[Redbeard]

The more of these you take the more you leave. What are they?

footsteps.

 

[Redbeard]

Three elderly couples were having tea one day.
They were chatting when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!”
A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!
This got an even bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.
He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

 

[Redbeard]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally, it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

 

[northcreek]

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Butch got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Butch, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Butch replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Butch's ear, placed his other hand on top of Butch's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Butch, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Butch, how is your hearing now?"


Butch answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

 

[Redbeard]

Overworked
And overpaid

One payday, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.
“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

 

[Redbeard]

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I’m sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,

Mike

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

My wife was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside yelling, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

The Top Ten Reasons Racing Is Better Than Sex

10. It’s socially acceptable to do it while others watch.

9. Bigger cars don’t always get the most attention.

8. Your race car won't leave you if you drive another car.

7. You get to use your rubber more than once.

6. You don’t have to sit through dinner and a movie before you race.

5. You and the car always finish at the same time.

4. You always know where to put your hands.

3. You can drive hard, right from the start.

2. The quicker you finish, the better you are.

1. You can do it more than once in one afternoon.

 

[Redbeard]

The bum approached the well-dressed man.

“Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?”

“Ten dollars!” the man exclaimed. “Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find a place that charges so much for a soda.”

“I know,” said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I wanted to knock off early.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods…
… does someone else make a sound?