Jokes and Riddles

[Redbeard]

One day a duck went to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. Then he walked up to the store manager and said, “Got any duck food?”

The manager replied, “No, we only have people food here.” The duck left.

The next day the duck went back to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. He walked up to the manager and said, “Got any duck food?”

The manager replied, “No! We only sell people food here, and if you ask me again I’ll nail your feet to the floor!” The duck left.

The duck returned to the supermarket the next day. He walked up and down the aisles. He walked up to the manager and asked, “Got any nails?”

“No,” replied the manager.

“In that case,” said the duck, “got any duck food?”

 

[Redbeard]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office singing, “What’s new Pussycat? Whoa, oh, oh …”

The doctor asks him what the trouble is.

“I don’t know doc,” he says. “I just can’t stop singing ‘What’s new Pussycat?'”

“Sounds like ‘Tom Jones Syndrome,'” the doctor says.

“Is that bad?” asks the patient.

The doctor says, “It’s not unusual.”

 

[Redbeard]

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

 

[Redbeard]

Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”

 

[Redbeard]

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

 

[Redbeard]

Q: How many Mafia members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: “We ain’t sayin’ nuthin.”

 

[Redbeard]

The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?”

 

[Redbeard]

Adam was returning home late one night, when Eve confronted him.

“You are seeing another woman, aren’t you?” she accused.

“Don’t be silly,” he replied. “You are the only woman on earth.”

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.

“What in the world are you doing?” he asked Eve.

“What do you think?” she said. “I’m counting your ribs.”

 

[Redbeard]

I was in South Carolina the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago.”

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”

 

[Redbeard]

An eight-year-old boy says to his dad,
“When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”

The dad replies, “Sorry – can’t have it both ways.”

 

[Redbeard]

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked another.

“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me,” came the reply.

 

[northcreek]

Wise Italian Grandfather: Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.................An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated.38 revolver so you will always remember me.""But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?""You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. ""Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man."Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

 

[Redbeard]

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.

One day I received a B-minus on a theme paper.

In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.

It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

 

[Redbeard]

Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around

Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Microwaves!

 

[Redbeard]

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said to her husband. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to do the wash correctly. I wonder who taught her what to do.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

 

[northcreek]

Coffee allergy

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment"

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This here is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that."

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

 

[Redbeard]

He said... "OMG you look much better when you don't wear your glasses."
and She Said... "Well, you look better when I don't wear my glasses too."

 

[Redbeard]

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91.

To honor him, tomorrow all men will be at half staff.

 

[Redbeard]

Wife goes to an astrologer to learn more about her husband.
The astrologer asks her, "Do you want to know about your husband's future?"

Without hesitation, the wife responds. "I will decide his future,
you just tell me about his past."

 

[Redbeard]

A Trashy Career:

“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,”
he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

 

[Redbeard]

Game of RESPECT

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder
and said, “Teach me
everything you know.”

 

[Mooseman]

An air-traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin
engine aircraft. A moment later the tower's land-line rang and was answered
by one of the employees.

The passenger who was riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, Mayday - - - the pilot has just had a
fatal heart attack, so I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket." He
continued, "Luckily, the pilot had told me, before we took off, that he had
the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet
and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm
down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The
first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

Then, he began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in
front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at
180 mph?"

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of
me."

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you
know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”

 

[Redbeard]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a worthless idiot’ is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”

 

[Redbeard]

Don't mess with older men or Don't bet on Something you just don't know!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see you do it.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, stupid, get in.”

 

[Redbeard]

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared.

Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.

“Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust,” she confessed nervously. “And you look just like my dad.”

 

[mrrsm]

With the arrival of the Colds and Flu Season just around the corner... I decided to get a Flu Shot while doing a scheduled blood draw with my doctor. The receptionist mentioned in passing that "Oh... from now on... all Flu Shots will be done into the "Glut Muscle". I was a bit startled since I had a distant memory of receiving shots in this way as a kid... so this was a bit of surprise. Nonetheless... I thought myself as made of sterner stuff and soldiered into the exam room. When the 19 year old nurse entered the room and asked me to stand near the table... I reflexively "dropped trow" right then and there as she described the need to look out for any unusual signs and symptoms of bad reactions to the latest batch of anti-virus medication. Suddenly I felt the cold chill of an alcohol swabbing the upper back of my left arm and the brief stick and inward plunge of the stuff into my beefy tricep.... followed by the soft whisper of the girl saying... " You can pull your pants up now..."

 

[Redbeard]

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in a 1974 Corvette.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He’s the original owner.”

 

[Shaw520]

While sitting in the front row during an appearance by the Queen of England,....little Jonny had a terrible bout of cramps and loudly passed gas,..... One of the nearby soldiers approached Jonny and said "How Dare You Fart Before The Queen"!!...... and little Jonny replied,... "I'm sorry,...I didn't know it was her turn"

 

[Redbeard]

Spotted in a bathroom of a local truck stop.

Serial number on the top of the urinal 4U2PN2

(hint read the serial number slowly out loud)

 

[Redbeard]

On an Accountant's coffee mug

It's Accrual World

 

[Redbeard]

Common Sense is so rare

It should be classified as a super power.

 

[Redbeard]

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.

Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.

It read, “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”

 

[Redbeard]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it...

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after , the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had chosen was too small for the wording. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the limited space .

For days he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

[Redbeard]

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs.
At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog.
Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy.
The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing.

After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.
“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”

 

[Redbeard]

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
They decided to settle the dispute with one dog fight.
They gave each other five years to breed the biggest meanest fighting dogs the world had ever seen.
Which ever country lost would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians immediately put their top genetic scientists to work.
They found the biggest and meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves.
They selected only the biggest and the strongest puppy from each litter, killed all his siblings and gave him all the milk.
They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars five inches thick and nobody could even get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal.
It was a 12 foot long dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage but when it got close enough to bite the American
dog's neck, the dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog whole. There was nothing at all left of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
The Russian Premier said to the American President, "We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best genetic scientists working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world."

"Really", the American President replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."

 

[Redbeard]

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

 

[Redbeard]

Breaking news:

The Chicago Police Dept has replaced

all sirens with the National Anthem to

force suspects to stop running and take a knee.

 

[Redbeard]

1. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

 

[Redbeard]

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
I said: "No it doesn't"