My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
So I had to put my foot down.
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered.
“That bread smells about done don’t you think, Mom?” he asked.
I told him I had set the timer and it was fine.
A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.”
Always quick to come to my defense, my younger son said, “Eddie, Mom’s
been burning banana bread for years now. I think she knows when to take it out.”
“That bread smells about done don’t you think, Mom?” he asked.
I told him I had set the timer and it was fine.
A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.”
Always quick to come to my defense, my younger son said, “Eddie, Mom’s
been burning banana bread for years now. I think she knows when to take it out.”
Mooseman
Moderator
A chap goes to Thailand and picks up a lovely new wife.
A year later his mate at the bowling club asks “How’s that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand?”
“She died – rather suddenly”
“Oh I am sorry – what happened?”
“Prostate cancer”
A year later his mate at the bowling club asks “How’s that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand?”
“She died – rather suddenly”
“Oh I am sorry – what happened?”
“Prostate cancer”
Genius:
As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today.
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today.
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.
She was worried that it might have spoiled, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky cringed as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”
She was worried that it might have spoiled, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.
Becky cringed as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”
Mooseman
Moderator
Don't wash your hair in the shower
(It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful)
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT ..... A WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing Liquid instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
(It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful)
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT ..... A WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing Liquid instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the interstate highway one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer,” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the officer.
“Helllllooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer,” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the officer.
“Helllllooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out.
“Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
“Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Patient: "Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye."
Doctor: "I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking."
Doctor: "I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, a preacher when in her 60s and now – in her 80s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, a preacher when in her 60s and now – in her 80s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing." "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes. Do you know where I can find Trouble?"
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
“Listen,” said the CEO, “This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
When the Trail Boss cut loose his crew after a hard scrabble cattle drive, they all headed into town for the best Saloon they could find. A few of then men paired off and picked a table as close to the stage as possible to get a front row seat at viewing the dancing girls. They were admiring the women as they moved around and the younger and less worldly of the two cowhands commented approvingly of the Ugliest Dance Hall Girl in the place… as she also sported a damned near Perfect Voluptuous Figure when dancing past the men.
He commented to his Elder Friend,
“Damn Mr. Charley… Will you LOOK at that Ass on Her..? Jesus Palomino! She is FINE!”
Charley sipped his first glass of whiskey with two hands, lest he spill a drop and then placed the heel of is well-worn cowboy boot against the stage. Slowly, he pushed his chair back so he could study the woman’s face a little closer ...without having to raise the brim of his ten gallon hat. When she ambled by for another turn around the stage… he frowned at his friend and replied,
“Hummmph… Damned Shame… Really” while looking up at her snagged-tooth grin, “It’s like the Lord was Putting a Ten Dollar Saddle…. On a Two Dollar Horse...”
He commented to his Elder Friend,
“Damn Mr. Charley… Will you LOOK at that Ass on Her..? Jesus Palomino! She is FINE!”
Charley sipped his first glass of whiskey with two hands, lest he spill a drop and then placed the heel of is well-worn cowboy boot against the stage. Slowly, he pushed his chair back so he could study the woman’s face a little closer ...without having to raise the brim of his ten gallon hat. When she ambled by for another turn around the stage… he frowned at his friend and replied,
“Hummmph… Damned Shame… Really” while looking up at her snagged-tooth grin, “It’s like the Lord was Putting a Ten Dollar Saddle…. On a Two Dollar Horse...”
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Funny Sample
It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
Mooseman
Moderator
We all went to visit Grandma.
She was so pleased to see us. She’s getting very old, and her eyesight is waning.
We wanted to help her enjoy this final stage of her life, have quality time with her, and enjoy our visits to help remember her when she's gone.
She was so pleased to see us. She’s getting very old, and her eyesight is waning.
We wanted to help her enjoy this final stage of her life, have quality time with her, and enjoy our visits to help remember her when she's gone.
Some people remind me of old tv sets. You have to hit them a few times until they get the picture.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Mooseman
Moderator
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her."
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her."
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Kraft mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaited its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaited its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Little Billy said, "I can't wait to go to Nana's for Thanksgiving! My cousin, Joe, is going to be there and he has THREE feet!" Betty responds, "WOW! How'd that happen?" Billy says, "I dunno, but my aunt Margaret wrote my parents and said, "You won't recognize Joe. He's grown another foot since you last seen him."
A ford mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
“What are you doing, man? You can’t drink that stuff!”
“Relax,” replied his co-worker, “this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don’t drink it all the time.”
“Seriously,” the mechanic exclaimed, “that brake fluid is poison!”
“Hey man,” yelled the co-worker. “Back off! I can stop anytime I want.”
“What are you doing, man? You can’t drink that stuff!”
“Relax,” replied his co-worker, “this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don’t drink it all the time.”
“Seriously,” the mechanic exclaimed, “that brake fluid is poison!”
“Hey man,” yelled the co-worker. “Back off! I can stop anytime I want.”
I went back to the house I grew up in during the Thanksgiving weekend and asked if I could come in and have a look around.
They said, “No,” and slammed the door in my face.
My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
They said, “No,” and slammed the door in my face.
My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
Bert and Ernie; two local fishermen were just getting back after being out on the Gulf of Mexico all day and decided to pull up a stool or two at the Beach Side Bar and Grill for a Tall Cool one. As the Bartender set down their Beers on the counter… An obvious Tourist-Novice Fisherman walked up from the parking lot, looking quite sullen and dejected. He sat down right next Bert and after rapping his knuckles down insistently on the counter top… he spoke loudly to the Barman, “Dammit… I’ll be having whatever they’re drinking… only bring me halfaduzzinovem… Okay? The Bartender shook his head a little and said, “Hmm ...Okay Man… Whatever you say...”
Ernie leaned forward a little towards the counter to peak around his Buddy Bert and asked, “Say Man… What’s Up? You look like you just lost your Best Friend...” The man chugged the first few beers and after looking whole-heartedly at The Boys… He said, “My Bowling Team just nabbed a Good Deal on a Charter Fishing Boat after we won our last tournament so WE could ALL go out and do some Damned Deep Sea Fishing..Together… You know?” Bert smiled and said, “Uh huh… Soooo…?”
The man downed two more cold ones and continued with a few big belches,” Well…. Goddamit… My Wife wanted to go too… so I just HAD to put my foot down about this being “A Guy Thing”… You Know?” It was Ernie’s turn to ask, “Uh Huh… Sooo?” The Man almost polished the last of his Beers off and was damned near in tears when he said, “ Well Goddamit… She let me oversleep… and Jesus Wept… Dammit! I missed going out with the Guys…!”
Bert tried to assuage the man by suggesting… “Look Buddy... It ain’t the End of The World, You Know…? Since your at The Beach… You may as well try and have yourself a little fun...Ya know?” With that… the Man almost knocked over his last Glass of Beer and started Bawling like a Hungry Newborn Baby when he said, “You Fugggin’ Guys… You don’t Understand… SHE went on the Boat Trip instead of ME!”
Still trying to make light of the situation, Ernie chimed in again by saying, “Well ...Man ...What the Hell. You Know? Did she CATCH anything after being out there in the Gulf all day?” The Man suddenly sat up ...a little wobbly on the Bar Stool just about as straight as he was able, given the accelerated state of his inebriation. Then he sloshed out his response like an insult ...with a thick and indignant look on his face, “ Nope… She Did NOT… BUT... Goddamit...She DID come home with a Big Red Snapper!”
Ernie leaned forward a little towards the counter to peak around his Buddy Bert and asked, “Say Man… What’s Up? You look like you just lost your Best Friend...” The man chugged the first few beers and after looking whole-heartedly at The Boys… He said, “My Bowling Team just nabbed a Good Deal on a Charter Fishing Boat after we won our last tournament so WE could ALL go out and do some Damned Deep Sea Fishing..Together… You know?” Bert smiled and said, “Uh huh… Soooo…?”
The man downed two more cold ones and continued with a few big belches,” Well…. Goddamit… My Wife wanted to go too… so I just HAD to put my foot down about this being “A Guy Thing”… You Know?” It was Ernie’s turn to ask, “Uh Huh… Sooo?” The Man almost polished the last of his Beers off and was damned near in tears when he said, “ Well Goddamit… She let me oversleep… and Jesus Wept… Dammit! I missed going out with the Guys…!”
Bert tried to assuage the man by suggesting… “Look Buddy... It ain’t the End of The World, You Know…? Since your at The Beach… You may as well try and have yourself a little fun...Ya know?” With that… the Man almost knocked over his last Glass of Beer and started Bawling like a Hungry Newborn Baby when he said, “You Fugggin’ Guys… You don’t Understand… SHE went on the Boat Trip instead of ME!”
Still trying to make light of the situation, Ernie chimed in again by saying, “Well ...Man ...What the Hell. You Know? Did she CATCH anything after being out there in the Gulf all day?” The Man suddenly sat up ...a little wobbly on the Bar Stool just about as straight as he was able, given the accelerated state of his inebriation. Then he sloshed out his response like an insult ...with a thick and indignant look on his face, “ Nope… She Did NOT… BUT... Goddamit...She DID come home with a Big Red Snapper!”
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After moving into a new neighborhood in the suburbs of a Big City and getting settled in, a young fellow found himself entering the local Irish Pub… just as all of the patrons were heading out the back door in a mad scramble for the expected excitement. The fellow looked a bit puzzled and after giving the Bartender a nod… he inquired, “What the Hell? What’s going on…?” The Barkeep was using his bar rag with the same, slow and appreciation affection that a Chauffeur has when polishing his Jet Black Rolls Royce Silver Shadow and replied, “Well… Ya know… It’s around this time every month that the Shipwrights get laid off down at the Boat Works and they all show up here ...with a little too much Piss and Vinegar in their Veins."
The surprised man looked around the place and could see the fresh bottles and drinks all left unattended and asked, “Well ...what are they all doing back there that has everybody so worked up?” The Barman continued to explain, “Well … there are always a few fellas that have to brag to everyone about how “STRONG!” they are … so they head out back and try to pick up some of the heavy blocks of granite that are laid down near the walls.” By then… the young man was tempted to go to the back screen door and look out upon the action, when the Bar Keep stopped him and said… “You’re wasting your time, Son… It is almost all over but the crying by now” The man turned about on heel and asked, “Well why is that…?” The man behind the bar smiled and leaned forward on his clean counter with his elbows and motioned the man to come a bit closer.
“Ya see Son… The O’Shawnessy Brothers will have tried to pick up the heaviest things they can find while everybody else is watching ...and they will give a pretty good show. But then The O‘Sheas will give it a go… and likewise, they’ll try to match their strength against almost anyone back there… but it won’t make a bit of difference.” The young man’s curiosity was piqued pretty good and he asked, “You said ‘Almost’ ...well which one of them will win the contest?” The front saloon doors creaked just a little as a Tiny, Bow-Legged Old Man wearing his Best Tartan Green and Red Highlander outfit wandered slowly towards the back, using his Shillelagh as a cane while smiling and ambling past the men standing nearby… as the Bar Man replied with a whisper and a laugh...” HE will...”
The visiting man laughed aloud and asked, “THAT Guy… is going to Win?” The Bar Keep closed his eyes tightly and nodded up and down with a grin in the affirmative as he said, “Yup… ‘THAT Guy’... as you call him is none other than the famous Mr. Jonathan Edward Mackhue, Esquire... himself… and in a moment or two… HE will soon be back in here at the Bar to claim his prizes of free drinks from The Losers...”.
The young man looked wide-eyed and astonished as he asked, “Now... How in the Hell is HE gonna do THAT?” With that said, the back door suddenly flew open and the exhausted and sweating Irish Boys all piled right back into the Bar to take their respective family places as they were just before the ruckus began. They were soon followed by the well-dressed, Elderly Scotsman who sat down... gingerly ...at the Bar and said, “Well. as you know… Ah’ve Won Again ...and Ah’ve beaten those fashionable, young puppies at their own game… so set those Wee Beauties up right down here in front me, Muh Wee Man...”
The Bar Keep climbed his stool and reached for the Top Shelf where only the Aged and Special Whiskey Bottles were nestled and replied, “Of course, Mr. Mackhue...and Congratulations” and then he addressed The Room… “And so … Which one of you Fine, Irish Gentlemen will be paying Mr. Mackhue’s Bar Tab this evening… AGAIN?...and For Christ’s Sake… Will you tell us all how he managed to do it THIS TIME?” A hush fell over the Bar Room as the entire muscular group of The O’Sheas rose to their feet and with heads bowed and hats in hand, one spoke for all by admitting, “ Well… As you all just saw… we did a fair job of out-lifting each and every one of them O’Shawnessy Boys by a margin of 500 Stone! But then Mr. Mackhue showed up as usual ...and he really put on a Show of Strength this time. First, he lifted his Kilt... and THIS time he did not even try to lift the Big Stones... He just stuck his Thumb in his Arse… and PRESSED HIMSELF ...150 TIMES on the spot!
The surprised man looked around the place and could see the fresh bottles and drinks all left unattended and asked, “Well ...what are they all doing back there that has everybody so worked up?” The Barman continued to explain, “Well … there are always a few fellas that have to brag to everyone about how “STRONG!” they are … so they head out back and try to pick up some of the heavy blocks of granite that are laid down near the walls.” By then… the young man was tempted to go to the back screen door and look out upon the action, when the Bar Keep stopped him and said… “You’re wasting your time, Son… It is almost all over but the crying by now” The man turned about on heel and asked, “Well why is that…?” The man behind the bar smiled and leaned forward on his clean counter with his elbows and motioned the man to come a bit closer.
“Ya see Son… The O’Shawnessy Brothers will have tried to pick up the heaviest things they can find while everybody else is watching ...and they will give a pretty good show. But then The O‘Sheas will give it a go… and likewise, they’ll try to match their strength against almost anyone back there… but it won’t make a bit of difference.” The young man’s curiosity was piqued pretty good and he asked, “You said ‘Almost’ ...well which one of them will win the contest?” The front saloon doors creaked just a little as a Tiny, Bow-Legged Old Man wearing his Best Tartan Green and Red Highlander outfit wandered slowly towards the back, using his Shillelagh as a cane while smiling and ambling past the men standing nearby… as the Bar Man replied with a whisper and a laugh...” HE will...”
The visiting man laughed aloud and asked, “THAT Guy… is going to Win?” The Bar Keep closed his eyes tightly and nodded up and down with a grin in the affirmative as he said, “Yup… ‘THAT Guy’... as you call him is none other than the famous Mr. Jonathan Edward Mackhue, Esquire... himself… and in a moment or two… HE will soon be back in here at the Bar to claim his prizes of free drinks from The Losers...”.
The young man looked wide-eyed and astonished as he asked, “Now... How in the Hell is HE gonna do THAT?” With that said, the back door suddenly flew open and the exhausted and sweating Irish Boys all piled right back into the Bar to take their respective family places as they were just before the ruckus began. They were soon followed by the well-dressed, Elderly Scotsman who sat down... gingerly ...at the Bar and said, “Well. as you know… Ah’ve Won Again ...and Ah’ve beaten those fashionable, young puppies at their own game… so set those Wee Beauties up right down here in front me, Muh Wee Man...”
The Bar Keep climbed his stool and reached for the Top Shelf where only the Aged and Special Whiskey Bottles were nestled and replied, “Of course, Mr. Mackhue...and Congratulations” and then he addressed The Room… “And so … Which one of you Fine, Irish Gentlemen will be paying Mr. Mackhue’s Bar Tab this evening… AGAIN?...and For Christ’s Sake… Will you tell us all how he managed to do it THIS TIME?” A hush fell over the Bar Room as the entire muscular group of The O’Sheas rose to their feet and with heads bowed and hats in hand, one spoke for all by admitting, “ Well… As you all just saw… we did a fair job of out-lifting each and every one of them O’Shawnessy Boys by a margin of 500 Stone! But then Mr. Mackhue showed up as usual ...and he really put on a Show of Strength this time. First, he lifted his Kilt... and THIS time he did not even try to lift the Big Stones... He just stuck his Thumb in his Arse… and PRESSED HIMSELF ...150 TIMES on the spot!
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A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.
But I had a problem. I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through three posters."
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainted.
Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place.
"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman.
"No one told me they read from right to left!"
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.
But I had a problem. I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through three posters."
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainted.
Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place.
"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman.
"No one told me they read from right to left!"
Here's a little joke you might enjoy.
Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured, he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, " For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I was in jail."
"Jail?" Cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "You know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' "
"The damn judge gave me thirty days for lying under oath."
Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured, he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, " For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I was in jail."
"Jail?" Cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "You know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' "
"The damn judge gave me thirty days for lying under oath."
A Mechanic was visiting Italy from The States and decided to stop by the Italian Motor Car Museum in Rome and observe some of the old racing cars that Enzo Ferrari introduced to the world and which had finally come to rest after winning so often at Monte Carlo, Le Mans and Nurburgring. As he approached one interesting car… He observed several native Italian Elders carrying on a very heated argument. He stepped a little closer and bore such a look of concern on his face that the men finally invited him into the discussion with their broken English and wild gesticulations. One Older Italian fellow stepped closer and tried to explain their dilemma and asked the American to arbitrate the issue:
“A Mistuh Manuh… Ah Me … I’mma Giuseppe... anduh dissa uh Manna here... uh heza Luigi… Ah Weuh havvin’ a troubla ova why dissa Racer Caah losta de race at a Daytona Beachuh inna nineteen ann ah seventy two… You knowa…? De 24 hours ova ahh Daytona...Yes…?. I say itta was becuzzah de motta ...she true a Rodda… You know uh...A Capeche??”
The Yank, “Yes… certainly Guissepe… I do… Let me see what they wrote on the Engine Plaque about it...” He then stepped over and read the English Translation of the History of the Vehicle and thought for a moment...and then he chuckled a little to himself as he walked back over to rejoin the small group. He asked them all, “Are there any Musicians here amongst you, right now?” One enthusiastic older fellow stepped a bit closer and said, “Ah Si. Si… Amico Mio ah ah.. Amma Fredo… Amma playuh many musicaluh instruments-uh alla de time-uh....Si...Si,Si!”
The American took the man aside and placed his hands on Fredo’s narrow shoulders and looked him right in the eyes and said, “ Now listen Fredo… As soon as I walk away from here, I want you to explain to Giuseppe and Luigi that the reason that the Engine in this Ferrari broke down lost and the race in 1972 was because of Music… Understand... A Capeche?”
Fredo looked back at the Yank with confusion and replied, “Ahh No, No … Ahhh No Capito… Amma notta too surah I understanda whatta you meanuh Amico Mio...” The American smiled and replied… “Just tell them the Motor Stopped Running because of a ..."Broken-uh Harmonica Balanc-uh...” Fredo smiled a toothy grin and said… Ahhh Tanka You So Much-uh Americano… A CAPECHE!
“A Mistuh Manuh… Ah Me … I’mma Giuseppe... anduh dissa uh Manna here... uh heza Luigi… Ah Weuh havvin’ a troubla ova why dissa Racer Caah losta de race at a Daytona Beachuh inna nineteen ann ah seventy two… You knowa…? De 24 hours ova ahh Daytona...Yes…?. I say itta was becuzzah de motta ...she true a Rodda… You know uh...A Capeche??”
The Yank, “Yes… certainly Guissepe… I do… Let me see what they wrote on the Engine Plaque about it...” He then stepped over and read the English Translation of the History of the Vehicle and thought for a moment...and then he chuckled a little to himself as he walked back over to rejoin the small group. He asked them all, “Are there any Musicians here amongst you, right now?” One enthusiastic older fellow stepped a bit closer and said, “Ah Si. Si… Amico Mio ah ah.. Amma Fredo… Amma playuh many musicaluh instruments-uh alla de time-uh....Si...Si,Si!”
The American took the man aside and placed his hands on Fredo’s narrow shoulders and looked him right in the eyes and said, “ Now listen Fredo… As soon as I walk away from here, I want you to explain to Giuseppe and Luigi that the reason that the Engine in this Ferrari broke down lost and the race in 1972 was because of Music… Understand... A Capeche?”
Fredo looked back at the Yank with confusion and replied, “Ahh No, No … Ahhh No Capito… Amma notta too surah I understanda whatta you meanuh Amico Mio...” The American smiled and replied… “Just tell them the Motor Stopped Running because of a ..."Broken-uh Harmonica Balanc-uh...” Fredo smiled a toothy grin and said… Ahhh Tanka You So Much-uh Americano… A CAPECHE!
Mooseman
Moderator
THE PUB IN GALWAY
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's .... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat'nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place,they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times”
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's .... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat'nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place,they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times”
After the teacher had finished his English lecture and his class had filed out, a tenth grader stayed behind to confront him.
“I don’t appreciate being singled out,” he told his teacher.
The teacher was confused. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what the ‘oxy’ part means, but I know what a ‘moron’ is, and you looked straight at me when you said it.”
“I don’t appreciate being singled out,” he told his teacher.
The teacher was confused. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what the ‘oxy’ part means, but I know what a ‘moron’ is, and you looked straight at me when you said it.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred police dog $25.”
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.
“How dare you call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?” she yelled.
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He works undercover.”
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.
“How dare you call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?” she yelled.
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He works undercover.”
To A Roving Repairman Called Drew
Lady Bryant Said, “ I Need a Screw!”
First, He Checked His Stock Well…
Then He Thought, “What the Hell…
Let’s Use Mine… Its The Right Size For You!”
Lady Bryant Said, “ I Need a Screw!”
First, He Checked His Stock Well…
Then He Thought, “What the Hell…
Let’s Use Mine… Its The Right Size For You!”
Well, This is certainly is ironic…
What's that?
The Italian government has placed a lien on the tower of pisa.
What's that?
The Italian government has placed a lien on the tower of pisa.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied, “Well, it’s OK with me, if it’s OK with the undertaker.”
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied, “Well, it’s OK with me, if it’s OK with the undertaker.”