Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So, what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So, what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
My daughter-in-law's coworkers threw a "Biggest Loser" contest to see who could shed the most pounds. Amy wasn't really interested, but she tossed in her $10.00 into the pot anyway. "How much do you plan on losing? I asked. Amy muttered, "about $10."
I realized my 17 year old was spoiled the day he called to his mother, "Ma, are the clothes in the dryer clean?"
Potential Dog Names:
Kareem Abdu-JaBark
Droolius Caesar
Woofgang Amadeus Mozart
Sarah Jessica Barker
Jimmy Chew.
I realized my 17 year old was spoiled the day he called to his mother, "Ma, are the clothes in the dryer clean?"
Potential Dog Names:
Kareem Abdu-JaBark
Droolius Caesar
Woofgang Amadeus Mozart
Sarah Jessica Barker
Jimmy Chew.
Last edited by a moderator:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said.
“But I filled them out last year,” she replied.
“You have to fill them out every year.”
“Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?”
“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said.
“But I filled them out last year,” she replied.
“You have to fill them out every year.”
“Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?”
Sign inside a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“All unattended children will be given a kitten.”
“All unattended children will be given a kitten.”
Modern marriage
Proves costly
The email:
Dearest Dad,
I’ve fallen in love with a wonderful man and I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook out.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I’d like your blessing, good wishes and a really big and beautiful wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your daughter,
Lilly
The response:
My Dear Lilly,
I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad
Proves costly
The email:
Dearest Dad,
I’ve fallen in love with a wonderful man and I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook out.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I’d like your blessing, good wishes and a really big and beautiful wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your daughter,
Lilly
The response:
My Dear Lilly,
I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad
Bearer
Of bad news
The captain called the sergeant in.
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the sergeant. “Johnson report to personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the captain called the sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the sergeant.
A few months later, the captain called the sergeant in again. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James’ mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”
“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”
“Not so fast, James!”
Of bad news
The captain called the sergeant in.
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the sergeant. “Johnson report to personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the captain called the sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the sergeant.
A few months later, the captain called the sergeant in again. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James’ mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”
“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”
“Not so fast, James!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A local hunting guide got himself into a pickle.
His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.
“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.
“I am!” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.
“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.
“I am!” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbors to pick them up.
The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”
The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group.
“Party of two,” the woman behind us said to her, “and could we please have Michelle as a waitress?”
Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, “Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!”
“Party of two,” the woman behind us said to her, “and could we please have Michelle as a waitress?”
Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, “Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!”
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
my wife and i do that all the time, my daughter works at a bar/ restaurant, and we get 50% off the food.
I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.
“What about a fire?”
I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
“Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire.”
“What about a fire?”
I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.
“Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes, “I’m a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire.”
The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had just been robbed.
“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked.
“Because today everything was on sale.”
“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked.
“Because today everything was on sale.”
Eleven people – ten men and one woman – were hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should let go, because if someone didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started cheering and clapping.
They all decided that one person should let go, because if someone didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started cheering and clapping.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you are done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
By the time you are done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
A boss asks his Employee: "Do you believe that there is Life after Death?"
Employee: "Certainly not Sir, there's no proof of it."
Boss: "Well, there is now...After you left the office early yesterday to go to your cousin's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Employee: "Certainly not Sir, there's no proof of it."
Boss: "Well, there is now...After you left the office early yesterday to go to your cousin's funeral, he came here looking for you."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway.
Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times.
That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times.
That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers digging holes along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn’t figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: “The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.”
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn’t figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: “The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
One of my 4th-grade students told me he had trouble with math.
His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four.”
His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four.”
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He
didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
feeling that he had some independence but still know that he was safe.
She had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would
please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so
he wouldn’t notice her.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out
following behind Tim as he walked to school with another neighbor girl
he knew. The neighbor lady and her daughter did this for the whole
week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s
little friend noticed pair following them.
She said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?”
Timmy shrugged and replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcie.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd
Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much.”
“The Psalm says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcie shall follow me all the
days of my life.’ So, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
feeling that he had some independence but still know that he was safe.
She had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would
please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so
he wouldn’t notice her.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out
following behind Tim as he walked to school with another neighbor girl
he knew. The neighbor lady and her daughter did this for the whole
week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s
little friend noticed pair following them.
She said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?”
Timmy shrugged and replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcie.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd
Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much.”
“The Psalm says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcie shall follow me all the
days of my life.’ So, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A man pulls up next to a girl walking home from school and said: "If you get in, I'll give you a Lollypop."
The girl kept on walking and the man said: "If you get in I'll give you two Lollypops."
The girl kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued walking. The man said: "Get in and I'll give you a whole bag of Lollypops."
Finally, the girl turned and said: "Look Dad, You bought the FORD, You ride in it!!!"
The girl kept on walking and the man said: "If you get in I'll give you two Lollypops."
The girl kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued walking. The man said: "Get in and I'll give you a whole bag of Lollypops."
Finally, the girl turned and said: "Look Dad, You bought the FORD, You ride in it!!!"
A diplomat from Afghanistan visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
They're both wearing backpacks.
One of the men is dead.
The man who is alive,
Has his pack open.
The dead man's pack is closed.
What is in their packs?
scroll down for answer:
A parachute
One of the men is dead.
The man who is alive,
Has his pack open.
The dead man's pack is closed.
What is in their packs?
scroll down for answer:
A parachute
A patient says, “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip.
“I was having dinner with my mother-in-law, and I wanted to say, “Could you please pass the butter?
“But instead I said, ‘You silly woman, you have completely ruined my life.'”
“I was having dinner with my mother-in-law, and I wanted to say, “Could you please pass the butter?
“But instead I said, ‘You silly woman, you have completely ruined my life.'”
What always runs,
But never walks,
Often murmurs, never talks,
Has a bed,
But never sleeps,
Has a mouth, but never eats?
scroll down for answer...
A river.
But never walks,
Often murmurs, never talks,
Has a bed,
But never sleeps,
Has a mouth, but never eats?
scroll down for answer...
A river.
You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog
is smarter than you.
Jay Leno
Jay Leno
Urine Trouble Now
An irate patient called our
pathology group, demanding that
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”
She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”
An irate patient called our
pathology group, demanding that
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”
She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay. He woke up.
It's okay. He woke up.
Overheard a 3 year old to the movies yesterday. During that period of silence in between previews she yelled, "more COCKPORN daddy!" instead of 'popcorn."
Lord have mercy...
Lord have mercy...