Jokes and Riddles

[Redbeard]

This almost sounds too close to the truth!


When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"

This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating ......

"Yes, but....I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

Makes perfectlygood sense to me.

 

[Redbeard]

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

 

[Redbeard]

Three women were sitting around, bragging about their children.

The first one says, “You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He’s now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago.”

The second woman says, “You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles.”

The last woman says, “You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman.”

The other two women ask, “What is a sports repairman?”

The woman then replies, “He fixes games. You know, hockey games, football games, baseball games …”

 

[mrrsm]

Wrote these down a little while ago...

On a Moon Lit Night, Shagging ‘Her Grace’
A Shepherd Named Jonathan Pace
He Was Shagging, Just So...
‘Til a Large UFO
Zapped The Pair Into Deep Outer Space

A Hard Working Miner Named Murrow
Spent His Life Digging Deep in a Burrow
With A Wife, So Hirsute
Said He, “She’s Damned Cute…
So I’d Much Prefer Plowing HER Furrow!”

A Philosophy Teacher Named Crass
Who Was Brutal to Students in Class
Said, “A Man Can’t Be Wise...
Who Gets Shit in His Eyes…
Due to Having His Head up His Ass!”

 

[Redbeard]

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family.

“The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” I told them.

Pointing to our food, I asked, “How many different colors do you see?”

“Six,” volunteered my daughter. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”

 

[Redbeard]

Tomorrow is Mother's day...
So in today's Family Circus little Jeff (me thinks) says
"Hope you've been good, Mommy. Tomorrow IS Mother's day."

 

[Redbeard]

A young boy on his way to school one morning passed the outhouse by the pond behind his home.

All of a sudden he got a wild urge to push the outhouse into the pond, so with a running start he knocked it over and watched it roll a few times then slowly sink under the surface as he ran off toward school.

In class that day, they learned about how George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but when confronted about it he told his father the truth and thus did not get a whipping for the deed. So he decided to use this strategy if questioned about the outhouse when he got home.

As he approached his house, he saw his father on the porch brandishing a big switch.

When he got close enough his father said, “Boy, I’m only gonna ask this one time … what do you know about the outhouse getting pushed into the pond?”

The boy swallowed hard and said, “Dad, just as George Washington cut down the cherry tree, but decided to tell the truth, I must admit to you that I pushed the outhouse into the pond.”

With that his father grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and began to give him a good ole country whippin’. The boy cried out, “But Dad, George Washington’s dad didn’t whip him!”

“Yes son,” the father replied, “that is true, but George Washington’s dad was not IN the cherry tree when he cut it down!”

 

[Redbeard]

A man’s wife went missing and, being that everyone knew he and his wife were in a big fight, he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.

Witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats the accused had made against his wife. Things were looking quite dim for the man when his lawyer stood and approached the jury.

“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you. If you would all please direct your attention to the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned toward the door.

“Ladies and gentleman,” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “to be honest with you, nobody is going to be walking through that door. However, from the fact your eyes all turned toward the door, it is quite obvious you are not certain beyond a reasonable doubt of my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury returned a guilty verdict.

“But how could you say he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” questioned the lawyer.

“It’s true that we all turned toward the door,” one female juror explained, “but there was one person who didn’t.”

“Who was that?” demanded the indignant lawyer.

“Your client.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My girlfriend asked me to be treated like a princess so I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall

 

[Redbeard]

A New York lawyer was busy closing up his Vermont place for the winter but he took the time to stop by his neighbor’s place to say goodbye.

As often happens in Vermont, the neighbor started storytelling and the New Yorker became impatient.

After a bit, the lawyer finally said, “I’ve got to run along. I’ve got a hundred things to do.”

The neighbor responded, “You’ve got a hundred things to do?”

“Well, perhaps not quite,” said the New Yorker, “but it seems like that many.”

The Vermonter responded, “Well, let me give you a piece of advice. Do them one at a time!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

It doesn’t matter how much candy I offer, they just won’t get in my ‘83 Vandura.

 

[Tiggerr]

It doesn’t matter how much candy I offer, they just won’t get in my ‘83 Vandura.

Your doing it wrong that's why...you forgot the chloroform! Lol

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.



Robot for sale.

 

[Redbeard]

Hanging in the hallway at the high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year – “62-63,” “63-64,” “64-65,” etc.

One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to him, the teen said, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by one point?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: Why don't drivers eat before a big race?

A: In case they get indy-gestion.

 

[Redbeard]

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ?

Carpet!

 

[Redbeard]

Tower:”Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower:”Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

 

[Redbeard]

Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.

 

[Redbeard]

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

 

[Mooseman]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering . . . would it be all right if she carries the golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

 

[Redbeard]

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits.

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a 
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back 
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

 

[Redbeard]

Four college friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to drive to Dallas and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free-radical formation.

“Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: Worth 95 points: Which tire?

 

[Redbeard]

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought he’d died and gone to heaven when he got my very patient son on the phone.

At the end of a very long sales pitch, he asked, “Do you mind if we send someone out to give you an estimate?”

“Not at all,” my son said.

“When would be a good time?”

“As soon as we build a basement,” he replied.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

“I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, ‘that’s us in 10 years.'”

He said, “That’s a mirror, dummy.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

 

[Redbeard]

..well then, why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?..

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..in case he got a hole in one..


..doh!..

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,"
proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was f*****g Goofy!"

 

[Redbeard]

I'm not saying let's kill all the stupid people.

I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

 

[Redbeard]

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?

A: Because Donald ducked.

 

[Redbeard]

Hillary phoned the president’s office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to President Trump, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning? grumbled Trump.

“A Supreme Court justice just died and I want to take his place” begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” he replied.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Redbeard"
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[Redbeard]

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

 

[Redbeard]

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Kleenex.
Kleenex who?
Kleenex look better
than dirty necks.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

After a church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

[Redbeard]

A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go a fishin’?” the officer asked.

“Ummm, yeah …” the driver replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To prove to the oppossum that it could be done.

 

[Redbeard]

Mathematical Certainty

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looked at his students and said: “There is one final piece of advice I’m going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course – never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!”

“Why?” the students asked.

“Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. Now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes …”