Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Mooseman
Moderator
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, ….
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, ….
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Mooseman
Moderator
RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you
are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many
officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any
officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got
to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked
that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a
little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned
officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be
measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man
that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks
the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and
instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the
tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear
Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
If this doesn't make you laugh, you
are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many
officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any
officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got
to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked
that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a
little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned
officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be
measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man
that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks
the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and
instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did. The medical officer placed the
tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear
Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
Those who confuse burro and burrow
don't know their ass
from a hole in the ground.
don't know their ass
from a hole in the ground.
seen on youtube
(overheard at Walmart) "..customer service needed in the sporting goods section...we have a customer by the balls"
(overheard at Walmart) "..customer service needed in the sporting goods section...we have a customer by the balls"
Mooseman
Moderator
Mooseman
Moderator
Actually not a joke but reality.
from my observations last week in a quick trip to a used business furniture store.
How do you know your in Mississippi? I don't think the two hours I was in the state I saw one street sign with the name of the street on it, yet every creek or river I crossed over had a sign with the name of said creek or river! I was so ever grateful to my gps to get me to my destination.
How do you know your in Mississippi? I don't think the two hours I was in the state I saw one street sign with the name of the street on it, yet every creek or river I crossed over had a sign with the name of said creek or river! I was so ever grateful to my gps to get me to my destination.
Thats funny for 2 reasons..
- Cause its true!
- How is he going to disconnect the power at a phone/Security terminal?
Mooseman
Moderator
That's a typo, it should have said Internet. What good is electricity without Internet? 
Just think, if Edison hadn't invented the light bulb we would be watching the TV (or computer monitor) by candlelight!
So while I was out driving the other day the car in front of me had a license tag that read "scholar". Since it was out on the roadways does this make him a "Road's Scholar" ?
Mooseman
Moderator
This isn't a joke or riddle, but the ending is funny (so long as it wasn't one of us!) From this month's Rock Auto email:
I tried to locate the forum for the folks who desperately want an electric fan and place this note there and then share with the folks there is is another problem you could run into if the fan is wired incorrectly. Mods feel free to move it there should you like
| Repair Mistakes & Blunders |
My father-in-law is a retired master mechanic who ran his own shop for several years. One of his frequent customers was a kindly older gentleman who drove a 1983 AMC Concord. The car had a chronic problem of running too hot, especially at highway speeds. My father-in-law attacked the issue one visit after another until he replaced nearly every suspect part – hoses, water pump, belt, radiator, sending unit, thermostat, you name it! Still, the problem persisted. When the car’s owner passed away, the car was left to my father-in-law as thanks for all the work. Now convinced the system was somehow clogged, he removed the head on the inline 6-cylinder 258cid engine, had it professionally cleaned, and reinstalled it (with new gaskets, bolts, etc., thanks to RockAuto). Nothing. Shortly after, he made the 7-hour trip to visit us, which is when he complained to me about the problem. I suggested we both look it over. We stared at the engine as he told me all the work he did. Then I asked him to start it. No sooner did it turnover, I told him to shut it off. The fan was blowing the wrong direction! We quickly determined flipping it would make no difference because of the blade pitch. After a little research on RockAuto, we learned AMC sold the same engine with optional belt drives. The standard V-belt configuration turned the fan clockwise, while the serpentine belt configuration turned the fan counterclockwise. We replaced the fan and the old Concord has run at the correct temperature ever since. |
I tried to locate the forum for the folks who desperately want an electric fan and place this note there and then share with the folks there is is another problem you could run into if the fan is wired incorrectly. Mods feel free to move it there should you like
humorous Stupid question and answer on Amazon:
So I was on Amazon's website looking for 5w-40 oil under Amazon Basics. This was in their question and answer area for the 5w-40 oil:
Question:
Do you just add it to the gas or pour in the glovebox?
Answer:
Before adding oil to your gas tank make sure to check the blinker fuild level. If it's at the full mark you can safely add all 5 quarts of oil into your gas tank. With full synthetic you'll get better gas mileage!
If you want to really crank up your engines preformance, the next time your at the gas station, pop the hood, unscrew the engine oil cap, and fill your engine up with 93 OCT until it overflows. Put the cap back on and your good to go! I've gained around 100HP in my 1996 Ford Taurus. see less
By Pete on March 9, 2019
(
So I was on Amazon's website looking for 5w-40 oil under Amazon Basics. This was in their question and answer area for the 5w-40 oil:
Question:
Do you just add it to the gas or pour in the glovebox?
Answer:
Before adding oil to your gas tank make sure to check the blinker fuild level. If it's at the full mark you can safely add all 5 quarts of oil into your gas tank. With full synthetic you'll get better gas mileage!
If you want to really crank up your engines preformance, the next time your at the gas station, pop the hood, unscrew the engine oil cap, and fill your engine up with 93 OCT until it overflows. Put the cap back on and your good to go! I've gained around 100HP in my 1996 Ford Taurus. see less
By Pete on March 9, 2019
(
northcreek
Member
Mooseman
Moderator
Mooseman
Moderator
I've got one brand new Pressure Treated 3/4" 4x8' sheet of plywood available. Looking for a straight up trade for a mint condition low miles LTZ Crew cab Silverado. Would also consider a mint condition low miles LTZ Tahoe with some cash.
No low ball offers, I know what I have.
My wife showed me a photo on facebook (sorry I was unable to copy it)
with a tee shirt saying:
"Know your TICKS"
Deer tick
Wood tick
Lone star tick
& LUNA TICKs
with a tee shirt saying:
"Know your TICKS"
Deer tick
Wood tick
Lone star tick
& LUNA TICKs
Mooseman
Moderator
An aircraft is flying when all of sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co-pilot.
Having heard the crash a women flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit, the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can’t be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
“May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don’t know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
“This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.
I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!”
“I’m 5’4 and in the front seat of the plane.”
“O.K.,” says the voice on the radio.
“Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven…”
Having heard the crash a women flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit, the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can’t be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
“May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don’t know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
“This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.
I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!”
“I’m 5’4 and in the front seat of the plane.”
“O.K.,” says the voice on the radio.
“Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven…”
Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her,
"Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
"No," replied the old nun "don't you know...
...old habits are hard to break?"
The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her,
"Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
"No," replied the old nun "don't you know...
...old habits are hard to break?"
I need to re-home a dog.
It’s a small terrier, and
tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
It’s a small terrier, and
tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Sometime last year, I was walking to the bus stop after running some errands around town.
A strange old man approached me from across the street, going out of his way to do so.
I adopted my best "please leave me alone" face and body language.
He spoke in a sort of energized croak, practically yelling at me from two feet away.
"Do ya wanna hear the dirty joke of the day??"
Assuming him a pervert, I hurriedly said, "No, please leave me alone," and continued on my way past him.
He didn't follow, but he did yell after me.
"You don't?? Well I'll tell ya anyway!"
I was bracing for the worst. He croaked louder and louder as I steadily distanced myself.
"What did the dirt say on a rainy day?"
He paused, and then yelled out his expert punch line.
"He said, 'If this keeps up, my names gonna be mud!'"
A strange old man approached me from across the street, going out of his way to do so.
I adopted my best "please leave me alone" face and body language.
He spoke in a sort of energized croak, practically yelling at me from two feet away.
"Do ya wanna hear the dirty joke of the day??"
Assuming him a pervert, I hurriedly said, "No, please leave me alone," and continued on my way past him.
He didn't follow, but he did yell after me.
"You don't?? Well I'll tell ya anyway!"
I was bracing for the worst. He croaked louder and louder as I steadily distanced myself.
"What did the dirt say on a rainy day?"
He paused, and then yelled out his expert punch line.
"He said, 'If this keeps up, my names gonna be mud!'"
Funny Comments Captured From Actual Police Car Videos...
“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing
you.”(LOVE IT)
“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the
ticket, huh?” (MY FAVORITE)
“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
"No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
"I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
"You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing
you.”(LOVE IT)
“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the
ticket, huh?” (MY FAVORITE)
“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
"No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
"I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
"You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”