Jokes and Riddles

Mooseman

Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
25,506
Ottawa, ON
I used to have caffeine in IV form when I was on shifts :laugh:
 
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Mooseman

Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
25,506
Ottawa, ON
Seen on a guy's t-shirt at Costco...

"I tried to retire but I now work for my wife!"

I can confirm that! :laugh:
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
Automotive Trivia Question
From RockAuto August 2021:

Why does the 2021 Corvette have a diesel glow plug warning light on the dash?


Diesel glow plug warning light


A. The 2022 Corvette sold in China, Europe and perhaps other regions will be available with a 3.3L straight-six twin turbo diesel built by GM's partner in China, SAIC.

B. The glow plug light has always been used to indicate that a diesel engine is not yet ready to start. GM is now using the same warning light to indicate electric cars, including future Corvettes, are still plugged into a battery charger and cannot be "started."

C. GM saves money by using the same warning light circuit board in multiple vehicles even if some of the lights are irrelevant for a specific model.


Why does the 2021 Corvette have a diesel glow plug warning light on the dash?
Answer below:


Diesel glow plug warning light


A. The 2022 Corvette sold in China, Europe and perhaps other regions will be available with a 3.3L straight-six twin turbo diesel built by GM's partner in China, SAIC.

B. The glow plug light has always been used to indicate that a diesel engine is not yet ready to start. GM is now using the same warning light to indicate electric cars, including future Corvettes, are still plugged into a battery charger and cannot be "started."

Answer: C.
GM saves money by using the same warning light circuit board in multiple vehicles even if some of the lights are irrelevant for a specific model. (source: https://jalopnik.com/heres-why-the-2021-corvette-has-a-warning-light-for-die-1847466751)
 

flyboy2610

Member
Aug 24, 2021
476
Lincoln, Ne.
Ole and Lena were having a fight.
Ole made a comment about Lena starting to show her age.
"Ole, I'll haff you know dat I haff da body of a 25 year old voman!"
"Vell, you better give it back! You're getting it all wrinkled!"
 

mrrsm

Lifetime VIP Donor
Supporting Donor
Member
Oct 22, 2015
7,861
Tampa Bay Area
It was close to 11:00 PM when Martha rolled slowly from her side to a sitting position on the edge of the bed and whispered to her husband, “Fred… Are you awake… Honey?”

Fred managed to crash through a deep slumber and sat straight up asking, “Wha… Honey… What ? Is it time yet?’ Martha sighed and said, “No, You Daft Fool… I’m hungry…”. Fred slumped down against the headboard and with faux cheer he asked, “Okay Dear… What’ll it be THIS time?”

Escargots…” She smoothly told him, “I want those Escargots your friends down at the French Restaurant are always going on about…” Fred smiled at his very gravid woman, and whispered, “You go back to sleep dear and just leave this to me… Escargots it is…”

He dressed haphazardly with his night robe and slippers and walked as quickly as he could down to the “House of Haute Cuisine”; a very posh, continental local dining place that kept very late hours for their tourist clientele.

When the Maître D' saw his friend Fred coming into the restaurant, he chuckled and said, “Why Freddy… what has you all rumpled and showing up here at near midnight ...in your Bed Clothes?”

Fred offered a wan smile and replied, “Well Charlie… Somehow… the Lil’ Woman has went and got herself pregnant again. She’s as Big as a Barn and very Quick Tempered, too. She wakes up just now and says she ‘Wants French Snails drowned in Garlic Butter’, don’t you know…?”

His tuxedo garbed friend shook his head knowingly and quietly guided the ill-attired man through a side door into the Kitchen where some of his other mates were enjoying the remains of a few Magnums of Champagne wine that survived from the dining tables and went back through the double doors.

“Have a drop with us Fred while Chef Henri prepares your ‘Double Order of ‘Escargot…’ ... to go.” Fred’s eyes sparkled almost as brightly as the glass of “Bubbly” the smiling apple cheeked Chef handed off to the very anxious man.

Time passed between his jokes, their laughs and the sounds of tinkling glasses and it was damned near closing time at 3:00 AM when Fred left there with his Big Brown Bag in hand and finally managed to toddle his way up into the long driveway at his home.

But unbeknownst to this tipsy fellow was the fact that as the hours had passed between sips and stories with his friends… the fragrant Garlic Butter that had spilled out into the bag holding his precious cargo of seasoned Snails ...and worn a hole out down inside the bottom.

Just as he arrived at his front step, the front screen door suddenly flew wide open and his red-faced wife stood there menacingly brandishing her Rolling Pin in hand and bellowed at him… “WHERE the Hell have you been? I sent you off HOURS ago? WHERE are my ESCARGOTS?”

Terrified, the man looked sheepishly up at his wife… then down at the suddenly light weight and empty carry bag and then further back behind towards a solid line of Buttered Snails that had fallen out onto the driveway in a fairly straight line.

Fred reacted instantly by squinting up at his swollen bride and while trying to gently ‘shush’ her, he grandly gestured behind himself with a swirling arm and with a softer voice he said, "Hold the Door... would you Dear? Come on Lads… Now… Let’s Stay together... Shall we?”
 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
read on a youtube video summing up marriage:

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it...

and it's a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back
 

flyboy2610

Member
Aug 24, 2021
476
Lincoln, Ne.
read on a youtube video summing up marriage:

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it...

and it's a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back
Ole had to take an overnight train trip, and to save some money he agreed to share a room with a stranger. The stranger turned out to be an extremely attractive 20-something female. After their initial embarrassment, they agreed to try and make the best of the situation. When it came time to turn in for the night, Ole took the bottom bunk and the young lady took the top one.
About midnight, the young lady leaned over the edge of her bunk and said "Mr. Ole, I hope you don't mind, but would you ask the porter for another blanket? I'm cold."
With a mischievous glint in his eye, Ole said "I've got a better idea. Vy don't ve pretend, you know, yust for tonight, dat you're my vife, Lena?"
The young lady thought for a moment, giggled and said "OK, sure. Why not?"
Ole said "GREAT! Go get your own blanket."
 

TollKeeper

Supporting Donor
Member
Dec 3, 2011
8,166
Brighton, CO
just saying...

3500.jpg


if we all purchased products made in our Own countries this cargo problem would not have happened.
I sincerely think this is not even close to the peak of what its going to be..

Actual food shortages are coming..
 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
I sincerely think this is not even close to the peak of what its going to be..

Actual food shortages are coming..

I was reading this morning what critical shortages the farmers are having.
and as Charlie Daniels once sang:

He's the American farmer
And he damn hard to beat
Better wake up America, wake up America
Coz if the man don't work then the people don't eat
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
So the man went to the doctor's office for a vasectomy. He was guaranteed not to have any kids. The man was ecstatic. The procedure was completed in the doctors office and the man celebrated by stopping by the tavern on his way home. He was so disappointed when he arrived home. All his kids were still there.
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
Some blond men
in a pickup truck
drove into a
lumberyard.

One of the
men walked
into the office and
says, "We need
some four-by-twos."

The clerk replies,
"You mean
two-by-fours,
don't you?"

The guy scratches his
head and says, "I'll go
check", and goes back
to the truck to consult
with his buddy.

He returns and
says, "Yeah, I
meant two-by-four."

"All right. How
long do you
need them?"

The guy pauses
for a minute
and says, "I
better go check."

After a while,
he returns to
the office and says,
"A long time. We're
gonna build a house."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
This ain't a joke, but I think it may belong here:

Florida man tries to trade in stolen vehicle at same dealership he stole from, police say​

LAKE CITY, Fla. - A Florida man tried to trade in a vehicle from the same dealership he stole it from, police said.

Lake City police responded to a report of a stolen vehicle at a Chrysler Dodge Jeep dealership on Monday, WTLV-TV reported.

Employees told officers that a man was trying to trade in his vehicle for a new one. But upon checking the VIN number, they found that the vehicle was stolen from the dealership’s lot a few days earlier.

The man admitted to stealing the vehicle, police said, adding the crime was captured on the dealership’s camera system.

He was arrested on charges including grand theft of a motor vehicle and criminal mischief.

timothy-wolfe-lake-city.jpg

 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he can not figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says “I can cure this!” He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The Witch doctor says “this is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year.” “All you have to do is say ONE, TWO, THREE and it shall rise for as long as you wish.
The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when I am done?” The witch doctor says “all you or your partner needs to say is ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, and it will go down. “But be warned it will not work again for a full year.
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife he says “ONE, TWO, THREE, and instantly feels himself hard as a rock. With that his wife turns over and says what did you say One, Two, Three for?
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
A man is at the local drug store and discovers a new brand of olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colors" he replies, "Gold, Silver, and Bronze."
"So what color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course" , says the man Proudly!
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear silver, it would be nice if you came in second for a change!"
 

Tinker

Member
Aug 26, 2021
24
Southern Ontario
A man is at the local drug store and discovers a new brand of olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colors" he replies, "Gold, Silver, and Bronze."
"So what color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course" , says the man Proudly!
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear silver, it would be nice if you came in second for a change!"
They say "Nice guys finish last"...
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a local supermarket. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager, to the security guard, to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge asked why she done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peach pieces were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes sire, what do you have to add?"

Her husband said meekly "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
Little Johnny and his family were having dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. I don't need to," Little Johnny replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,513
A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood. After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car, he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a special spray which would coat the car in a special finish to protect it from chickens. The farmer sprayed the coating and placed the chicken on the hood. To his pleasure, the chicken was unable to make a single scratch with its beak. The salesperson asked the farmer to leave a review about how he
found the product. He wrote just one word, "Impeccable."
 

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