Jokes and Riddles

[HARDTRAILZ]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[Redbeard]

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse me of my sin?”

“No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

 

[Redbeard]

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling.

The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that after each man died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight.

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, fell out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would y’all tighten that noose a little bit? I can’t swim!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Rearrange these words to make a letter

1. Pneis
2. Buttsxe










Did you get
1. Spine
2. Subtext


Yea neither did I

 

[Redbeard]

This wouldn't be true of any of us, right?

 

[northcreek]

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.


The counselor asks, "What's the problem?





The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."


The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."


Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.


She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?


The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

 

[Redbeard]

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.

Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend.

“Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually?” he scolded. “You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message, ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’. And the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof,’ and let me down slowly that he died.”

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.

A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend.

It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

 

[Redbeard]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

 

[Mooseman]

Cell phone etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

 

[Redbeard]

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, “Not guilty.”

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Do I get to keep the money?”

 

[northcreek]

Some female nurses on break are chuckling about a male patient who has "Shorty" tattooed on his very little Junk.
One of them volunteers to ask the man out after discharge from the hospital to get the story behind the "Shorty"...after all there's little risk of anything sexual happening with such small equipment.
Well, the date happens and the other nurses wait to hear the story from the volunteer nurse who walks into the room looking a mess, "WHAT HAPPENED?" they all shout.
"Well, it's like this" she says, "Shorty" became " Shorty's Bar and Grill,Chattanooga Tennessee".

 

[Redbeard]

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “What, son?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s List?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

 

[Redbeard]

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer.

One was as a butcher’s assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.

One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, “God save me! It’s the butcher!”

 

[Redbeard]

While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn’t help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors’ centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area.

It said: “Warning! If chased by a bear, don’t come in here!”

 

[Redbeard]

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.

“What’s the matter, Son?” asked his mother.

“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “It’s my grades. They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean ‘all wet?'”

“You know,” he replied, “…below C-level.”

 

[Redbeard]

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.

She was worried that it might have spoiled, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it.

Becky cringed as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

A man walks into the doctor’s office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asked.

“You’re not eating properly,” replied the doctor.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'


The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'


The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

[northcreek]

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do *not* read it!

What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.

 

[Redbeard]

Today, the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned that, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance most people in the world will have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So, in other words, nothing is going to change.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.


I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me.


Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.


I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.


Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope

 

[Redbeard]

poor Denise...

 

[northcreek]

poor Denise...

When did Dennis have the change?.....

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired!

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the physco path.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.

 

[Redbeard]

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. I said to him, “What do you do for a living?”

He said, “I used to be a window washer.”

I asked, “When did you give it up?”

He replied, “Halfway down.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What was the church’s chef asked to put on all the sandwiches?
A: Miracle whip.

Q: Who is the most holy member of all the kitchen appliances?
A: The turkey friar.

Q: How did the chef win the golf tournament?
A: He got a hole in one using his waffle iron.

Q: Why did the judge want to borrow the restaurant’s kitchen?
A: It had a conviction oven.

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

 

[Redbeard]

does this work in reverse???

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

My sister was crying, so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.



I come from a proud family of accused murderers.

Growing up, my mom used to remind us, “You can always depend on the kindness of stranglers.”



My daughter says she wants her eyes, lips, nose and smile to be surgically reconstructed at the cost of thousands of dollars, but I think she’s just going through a face.

 

[Redbeard]

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”

To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air at all times!”

 

[Redbeard]

A first grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.

“When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple. The teacher scolded him, asking, “How often have you seen a purple frog?”

“The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.”