Jokes and Riddles

[Mooseman]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Mooseman]

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.

He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.

'Oh...OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A gynecologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change.

He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake on the marking of his grading paper and inquires with the teacher.

He says "Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake."

The teacher replies "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

 

[Redbeard]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest began praying in a loud voice: “I pray for a new bike. I pray for a new baseball glove. I pray for a new football.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

 

[Mooseman]

 

[Redbeard]

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says, “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replies, “Show me.”

So the woman pokes her ankle and screams with of pain. Then she pokes her knee and nearly faints. Next, she pokes her forehead and screams again.

She’s about to continue when the doctor says, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”

He thinks for about a minute and says, “I think I know what your problem is.”

“Wonderful,” she says. “What’s wrong with me?”

“You broke your finger.”

 

[Mooseman]

 

[mrrsm]

There are TWO Things this Guy always has to do ...within a few days after he's Gone Out Drinking....



(1) First... He has to Go Find his Car...
(2) Then... He has to Take BACK the Cars that he Took.

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[northcreek]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, rolls down the window and says to her, "I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."

The little girl says, "No, I not getting in the car."

The next day the same man pulls up again, rolls down the window and says to the same little girl, "I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."

The little girl repeats, "No, I'm not getting in the car."

The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she will get into the car.

"No Dad," replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Mustang!"




Q: What's the difference between a mustang and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness!

Q: How do you make a mustang accelerate from zero to 60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A: Push it off a cliff.

Q: What is found on the last two pages of every mustangs owner's manual?
A: The bus schedule.

Q: What do they do with junked mustang?
A: Recycle them into tin cans.

Q: Why do mustang owners never carry a map?
A: It'll never get far enough to get lost!

Q: What do you call a mustangs at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call two mustangs at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: How do you double the value of a mustang?
A: Fill up the gas tank.

Q: What do you call a mustang with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: How do you make a mustang go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: What is the reason for the rear window defogger on a mustang?
A: To keep your hands warm while you push it off the road on a winter day.

Q: Why don't mustangs sustain much damage in a front-end collision?
A: The tow truck takes most of the impact.

Q: What do you call mustangs passengers?
A: Shock absorbers.

Q: How do you improve the appearance of a mustang?
A: Park it between two 914s.

Q: What makes a mustang go faster?
A: A tow truck.

Q: What do you call a mustang with a flat tire?
A: A write-off.

Q: What is the smallest part of a mustang?
A: The owner's brain.

Q: What do you call someone who buys a secondhand mustang?
A: A scrap dealer.

Q: What does a mustang buyer do to look sophisticated?
A: Wears dark glasses.

Q: How do you tell the mustang buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?
A: Their the ones with the white sticks.

Q: Why do they give away free TVs with mustang?
A: So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it.

Q: What do you call a mustang with twin exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow.

Q: What is the difference between a mustang and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball 360 yards.

Q: What's the best part of owning a mustang?
A: You can always get a handicapped spot.

Q: What do mustangs and Ferarris have in common?
A: A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds, whereas a mustang can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

 

[Redbeard]

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date!
What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
Ketchup.
What vegetables are a sailors enemy?
leeks!

 

[Redbeard]

“Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.”

“I’m sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight in the tank.”

“Well then, bring me the winner.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A cowboy rides into town in the Wild West and shoot an artist.

The sheriff asks him, "Why did you do that?"

The cowboy says, "I thought he was going to draw."

 

[Drec]

Just like a man, making something so simple a big deal! Husband: “I changed a light bulb today. ” Wife: “ That's it? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?” Husband: “Yep, that’s what I did today. Watch this; I filmed me doing it.” Click here to watch: click (Definitely worth it)

 

[Redbeard]

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”

The governor replied, “Well, it’s OK with me, if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

 

[Redbeard]

So how legs does this pachyderm actually have?

 

[Redbeard]

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

 

[northcreek]

Just like a man, making something so simple a big deal! Husband: “I changed a light bulb today. ” Wife: “ That's it? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?” Husband: “Yep, that’s what I did today. Watch this; I filmed me doing it.” Click here to watch: click (Definitely worth it)

I'm an ex power company lineman and that makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck..

 

[Drec]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland :

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.



I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'!

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? eh?

 

[Mooseman]

Also read the church name too.

 

[Redbeard]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan?
A: An anorexic!

Q: Did you guys hear about the NFL player who hits women?
A: No the other one. No the other one.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the St Louis Rams and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

 

[Redbeard]

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's a personality trait of a bad marketer?

Anti-social



What is a pirate's favorite piece of marketing content?

A webinAAAAR!

 

[Redbeard]

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house picking up after him.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash it when you are done and put it back in its proper place.'”

The woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

[Redbeard]

A husband and wife were driving their teenage daughter to the hospital where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

They discussed how the procedure would be performed.

“Dad,” asked the girl. “How are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”

Her dad chuckled and replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.”

 

[Redbeard]

Does this happen at your house, like mine?

The Lockhorns

Bunny Hoest's "The Lockhorns" follows Leroy and Loretta Lockhorn, a dysfunctional and argumentative married couple.

www.arcamax.com

 

[Redbeard]

That’s right.
A school in New York City is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu.

Now when bullies say, ‘Give me your lunch money,’ students are like, ‘Here, take it.'”

 

[Redbeard]

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O’Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105 mm. howitzer. “Two- nine-oh-seven, sir,” was the reply.

“Soldier,” said the colonel, “don’t you know you never say ‘oh’ in the artillery? You say ‘zero.’ What’s your name, soldier?”

“Zero Hara, sir,” answered the private.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

 

[Drec]

Dog and food

 

[Redbeard]

Walter, who is quite elderly, is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching with a wagon.

“Good afternoon!” hollers out Walter.

“Afternoon,” says the farmer.

“Where you headed?” asks Walter.

“Town.”

“What do you have in the wagon?” Walter continued.

“Manure.”

“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”

“I spread it over my strawberries,” the farmer says matter-of-factly.

“Well,” says Walter, “you should come back here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why don't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent.



Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"



Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut!

 

[Redbeard]

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, 2,000 people immediately stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “How will you stop them?”

“Don’t worry. They’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”…“Roof,” the dog barked. Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels….“Rough.” He still wasn’t convinced. “O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog….“Ruth.” With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: “Should I have said Gehrig?”

 

[Redbeard]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

 

[Redbeard]

Everything about living in the country delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city.

One day they spotted a sign, “Fresh Eggs For Sale” at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system.

“Why can’t everyone be this trusting?” they said as they put their money into the box and took a carton.

When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.