Jokes and Riddles

[HARDTRAILZ]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

 

[Redbeard]

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual nine holes of golf.

Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off.

They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

”I’ve found my ball!” he announces.

”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.

”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

 

[Redbeard]

Three pastors from the South were having lunch in a diner.

One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything — noise, spray, cats — nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another added, “Yeah, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I used to have that problem too, then I baptized all mine and made them members of the church … Haven’t seen one back since!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

This just could be me...

Garfield

Created by Jim Davis, Garfield is about the famous fat cat and his hilarious daily adventures with his "pal" Odie and others.

www.arcamax.com

 

[Redbeard]

PERFECT timing. Tomorrow is my sister in laws Birthday! I know what will be placed on her car before she heads into work.
Thanks!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...
Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.


I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.
Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

 

[Mooseman]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[mrrsm]

So this Blonde wanted to sell her Car … but no matter how much she tried… there were no takers; probably because the vehicle had 400,000 Miles on the Damned Thing. One day… the Blonde stopped into a Local Bar for a Cocktail and she saw a Brunette wearing Mechanics’ Overalls and so she sidled up next to her at the counter to have her drink while she lamented her problem. The Brunette smiled a bit and then explained that since she was indeed a Mechanic… she could help the Blonde out for a mere Fifty Bucks by turning back the Odometer.

The Blonde agreed and after handing over $50 and her Car Keys to the Brunette, the Lady Mechanic drove off to her shop and performed the illegal mileage adjustment. A few weeks later, the Brunette caught sight of the Blonde driving the very same car into the parking lot at the lounge. Once they were seated inside at the Bar, the inquisitive Brunette asked the Blonde, “I see that you’re STILL driving that same car… So… What happened… No takers yet ...or did you lose the “For Sale “ Sign?’ The astonished Blonde replied, “Sell my Car? Why the Hell would I want to do THAT? ...It’s only GOT 40,0000 Miles on it!”

 

[Redbeard]

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance.

Here’s a good example:

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day, a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than three years, and they never spoke to each other.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady, without blinking an eye, said:

“They’re 35 cents now!”

 

[Redbeard]

sounds like a ford...

 

[Redbeard]

Joke of the Day - WND

www.wnd.com

 

[Redbeard]

 

[Redbeard]

How to have fun this summer with the neighborhood kids

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

You see a boat filled with people. You look again, but this time you don’t see a single person on the boat. Why? Hint: The boat has not sunk.

Spoiler: Answer:

All the people on the boat are married.

 

[Redbeard]

My friend’s son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him the intercom wasn’t working properly. My friend’s son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked the customer, “Is it OK now?”

“Well, no,” the customer replied. “Now you sound like a girl.”

 

[mrrsm]

So the Rookie Detective exited the Interview Room in his Squad Office with a S-E-G on his youthful face and strutted over to his Sergeant's Office. He beamed out with, “Sarge... Guess what I just did…”. The aging Supervisor looked up from reading his stack of daily squad follow-up reports and after leaning back he squinted over his half-lens reading peepers and looked a bit exasperated by this interruption. He growled, “Go ahead… Detective… Thrill me.” The lanky kid then blurted out, “Sargent… I just cracked the ”The Viper” Serial Killer Case...” With that, his eyes gleaming, the Rookie Badge regaled the Detective Sargent with the facts and his conclusions about the suspect in the case and proudly finished with, “...and THAT is when he yelled out, “I AM THE VIPER…!”

While this explanation was unfolding, unbeknownst to the Lad… behind him… a small group of his Brother Detectives had assembled around the doorway leading into the Sargent’s Office, smiling and shaking their collective heads side to side and straining not to laugh out loud. Suddenly the Supervisor rose from his chair and told this young fellow, “Well Detective … that sounds very interesting . But if you don’t mind… I’d really like the chance of getting a look at this Dreadful Man.”

The Young Detective suddenly stepped aside and with a bowing gesture of confidence, he stated, “Be My Guest... Boss.” The men in the room hustled aside as the Sergeant strode over to the Closed Door of the Interview Room and after taking a look inside via the Peep Hole… he looked around at the knowing group in his command… and opened the door to enter therein.

The Sergeant looked at the signed Miranda Warning Waiver of Rights Form to confirm the suspect’s continuing cooperation and began to calmly ask the Old, Silver-Haired, Broad-Shouldered Man some basic questions. He inquired, “Well Sir, I’m Sergeant Smythe ...and one of my New Detectives tells me that you’ve just admitted to having committed a whole string of horrible murders… Would you mind telling me your name… and what you do for a living?”

The affable Blue-Eyed subject smiled broadly and stated clearly, “Yah… For Sure... I Yam Sven Andersson, By God...” and the Sargent smiled back while asking again, “And what is it that you do for living Mr. Sven, Hmmmm?” The Man looked out through the open Interview Room Door and gestured towards the confused looking Rookie Detective, “Vell … it's Yust lyke I tell dat Jung Feller derr… I AM DER VIPER!” The Sargent prompted him curiously to continue, “And…..” The Man replied...”Andt I Komm to Vipe Der Vinders! Yah, By God… I Yam… Sven… Der Vinder Viper!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Drec]

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

She said................ "F... off ' " they're for the funeral."

 

[Redbeard]

I suspect this never happens to anyone around here

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Redbeard]

The 8th-grade grammar teacher Mrs. O’Malley said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Malley, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best grade possible,” replied Paul.

 

[Redbeard]

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the gym?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A New York City hipster moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the hipster was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the hipster replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.”

“Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the hipster, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”

 

[northcreek]

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the supermarket.
like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local supermarket:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

6. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

7. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

8. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

9. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

10. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


.

 

[Redbeard]

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.

The clerk bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.

“Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What's the best part of watching a drag race?







When one of the cross dressers breaks a heel and falls down.

 

[Drec]

****

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

What do you give a bad watch repairman?

A time out.

 

[Redbeard]

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods like skim milk.

She said her family would only drink whole milk, so I suggested she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk.

This worked for quite a while, until one morning her daughter asked whether the milk tasted OK.

“Sure, it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”

“Because according to the carton,” the daughter explained, “this milk expired two years ago.”

 

[northcreek]

A sailor reports to the ship's Medical Officer "sir I believe our ship is infested with Crabs!"
"Impossible!" the Officer says," this ship hasn't been ashore for six months, how in the world would Crabs get aboard?"
Sailor: "Sir I believe they came aboard on the Captain's Dinghy"

 

[Redbeard]

During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and 
said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and 
I pick things up. What am I?”

A little boy answered, “You’re a mommy.”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: Why does the TV like the remote?

A: Because it turns it on!

 

[Redbeard]

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, “Yes, Sir!” Since he was talking to his mother, it was not expected of him to call her “Sir.”

“You would say, ‘Yes Sir,’ to a man, and since I am a lady, and you would say, ‘Yes Ma’am,’ to me,” his mom said.

To quiz him on his lesson, she then asked, “What would you say to Daddy?”

“Yes, Sir!” was the reply.

“Then what would you say to Mama?”

“Yes, Ma’am!” he proudly answered.

“Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?”

He lit up and said, “Can I have a cookie?”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."
Driver says, "Officer, I have contacts."
Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket.

 

[Redbeard]

A loaded minivan pulls into the only remaining campsite. Four children leap from the vehicle and begin feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rush to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marvels to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”

“I have a system,” says the father. “No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”

 

[Mooseman]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

 

[Drec]

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon oneSaturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar, who in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot....

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will'

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Nope,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'