Since today's PI day (March 14) here are several from Reader's Diegest:
What happens when you put a root Beer in a Square glass?
It just becomes beer.
Why do mathematicians like parks?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why should you never mention the number 288 to a Mathematician?
Because it's just to gross.
Why was the math lecture SO long?
Because the professor kept going off on a tangent.
What's the best way to woo a Mathematician?
Use acute angle.
What do you need to grow your trigonometry skills?
What kind of snake does your math teacher have?
Where should you do your math homework?
On a multiplication table.
An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied: "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said: "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said: "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked: "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied: "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said: "Okay you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said: "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
For the second week in a row, my son and I were the only ones who showed up for his soccer team’s practice. Frustrated, I told him, “Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice but no one is ever here.”
My son rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before.”
“That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.”
In church, my three-year-old insists on being the one to put the money into the collection basket. One Sunday, as the basket came toward him, he held out the envelope and asked aloud, “When is God coming to pick up his paycheck?”
The frequency of sexual activity of older men depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, World Health Organisation and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, South African, New Zealand and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the Golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese !!!!!!
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing all the glamorous destinations around the world.
The Agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his Secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off.
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me."
"Oh, what was that?" asked the travel agent.
"Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"