Jokes and Riddles

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Since today's PI day (March 14) here are several from Reader's Diegest:

What happens when you put a root Beer in a Square glass?
It just becomes beer.
----------------------------

Why do mathematicians like parks?
Because of all the natural logs.
----------------------
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
--------------
Why should you never mention the number 288 to a Mathematician?
Because it's just to gross.
-------------------
Why was the math lecture SO long?
Because the professor kept going off on a tangent.
--------------------------------
What's the best way to woo a Mathematician?
Use acute angle.
------------
What do you need to grow your trigonometry skills?
Square roots.
-----------
What kind of snake does your math teacher have?
A pi-thon.
---------------
Where should you do your math homework?
On a multiplication table.
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent!

What do you call a school where all the students are undercover?
Spy High.

What is a snowman's favorite game?
Ice Spy with my little eye...

What does a secret agent use for birth control?
His personality.

Why was the special agent sleeping on the job?
He was under cover.

Why can't you trust baked goods during the holidays?
It might be a minced spy.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied: "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said: "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said: "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked: "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied: "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said: "Okay you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said: "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice.

Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked “Are you all right?”

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed:

“She said she can’t feel her legs!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a native.

“What is it made of?” she asked.

“Crocodile teeth,” the native replied.

“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …

“I think the man would have said – ‘I can’t believe it! A talking pig!'”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Q: What do you call the seagulls that live by the Bay?
A: Bagels.

Q: What did the beach say to the surfer?
A: Nothing… it just waved.

Q: What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
A: Shore!
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
For the second week in 
a row, my son and I were the only ones who 
showed up for his 
soccer team’s practice. Frustrated, I told him, “Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice but no one is ever here.”

My son rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before.”

“Which was?”

“That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.”






In church, my three-year-old insists on being the one to put the money into the collection basket. One Sunday, as the basket came toward him, he held out the envelope and asked aloud, “When is God coming to pick up his paycheck?”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.

“Here you go,” said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. “Have a great day!”

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am. We can’t accept anything larger than a fifty,” he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

“But you just accepted that last girl’s hundred,” I reasoned.

“I had to,” he said. “It had her phone number on it.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.

“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
The frequency of sexual activity of older men depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, World Health Organisation and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:

North American, Australian, South African, New Zealand and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the Golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese !!!!!!
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
What time do astronauts eat? At launch time!

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity at the moment. It’s impossible to put down!

What do astronauts like to read? Comet books!

How do you get a baby in space to sleep? You rocket...
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
 

Mooseman

Moderator
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing all the glamorous destinations around the world.

The Agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his Secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off.

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me."

"Oh, what was that?" asked the travel agent.



"Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
One day 7-year-old Johnny said to his father, “I really want to get married.”

“Oh, do you?” chuckled his dad. “So, do you have someone special in mind?”

“Yes, Grandma.”

“Did you just say you want to marry my mother?” the amused dad exclaimed. “Now, that’s a problem.”

“How so?” replied Johnny. “You married mine!”
 

MRRSM

Lifetime VIP Supporter
A Conversation between the Captain-Pilot of a United States Air Craft Carrier Fleet armed to the teeth en route to Iraq ...and a Spanish Maritime Operator on an Open Hailing Emergency Frequency:

 

Mooseman

Moderator
It's fake, just like the 20 year old one that circulated as an email, basically a conversation between and American Navy ship and a Canadian lighthouse.
 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
Although, with all of the USN ship collisions with merchant ships in the last few years, it's almost believable....:undecided:
 

Forum statistics

Threads
18,969
Messages
572,777
Members
11,664
Latest member
Firemaned82

Latest posts

Top Bottom