Jokes and Riddles

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.
 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person




Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".





On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”





The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
IT'S SO COLD......

  1. The optometrist is giving away free ice scrapers with eyeglasses
  2. Pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers pockets to keep them warm
  3. Politicians have their hands in their own pockets
  4. Squirrels in the park are throwing themselves against the electric fence
  5. Dogs are wearing cats
  6. Teenagers aren’t embarrassed by acne, they’re embarrassed by goose pimples
  7. When we milked the cows we got ice cream
  8. I chipped my tooth on my soup
  9. We didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it
  10. You have to kick a hole in the air just to get outside
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”

“No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”

“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A woman was driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over.

“License and registration, please,” he requested.

“It’s OK, officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to do this.”

“That’s impossible! There is no such license,” said the cop.

The woman reached into her purse and handed him her license.

“This is an ordinary license, Miss. There’s nothing here that would allow you special consideration,” he told her.

She replied: “It says so right here at the bottom: ‘Tear Along The Dotted Line.'”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
After 30 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”
 

Mooseman

Moderator
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.

You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings....

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
A husband and wife are grocery shopping and as the man puts a case of micro-brew ale in the cart the wife say's " I don't know why you have to buy such expensive beer?" the husband replies " hey how about all of those expensive beauty creams that you buy?"
She replies " well you want me to look attractive to you, don't you?" he says "yeah but, that was what the beer was for".
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg.

The buyer asks, “Why the wooden leg?”

The farmer replies, “That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.”

“Great, but why the wooden leg?”

“The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy.”

“Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?”

“Well, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t eat it all at once!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.

“We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A man with two burned ears was rushed to the hospital.

The doctor asked him how it happened.

He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang, so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”

“But how did you burn the other ear?” asked the doctor.

“How do you think I called 9-1-1?”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Question: What is the truest definition of globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles. She is treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates’s technology, and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is globalization
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
My daughter and I were looking at possible places for her to live during her second year at college.

The last apartment we looked at was the nicest, but it was the furthest from school.

Before making her decision, she thought we should find out exactly what the distance was, so I set the odometer, and we drove from there to school.

It was exactly 1.6 miles.

“That’s not too far,” I said.

“Yeah,” she wailed. “But that’s by VAN.”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A mother was taking up weenies off the grill for her sons, AJ, 5, and Jeremy, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first weenie. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first grilled weenie, I can wait'". The two brothers looked at each other......then AJ turned to his younger brother & said,
"Jeremy, you be Jesus!"



An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'"
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor took the man’s wife aside and said, “Your husband has a very weak heart. I am afraid he won’t live much longer unless you treat him like a king and wait on him hand and foot so he doesn’t strain himself.”

On the way home, the husband turned to his wife and asked, “What did the doctor say?”

“Well,” replied his wife.

“He said it doesn’t look like you’re going to make it.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A husband and wife were driving their teenage daughter to the hospital where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

They discussed how the procedure would be performed.

“Dad,” asked the girl. “How are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”

Her dad chuckled and replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Two goats chew on a VHS tape.
The first goat says "This film is pretty good" and the other one replies: "Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Our son is in the U.S. Army, stationed in Georgia.

He invited my husband and I for a visit.

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, “We’re getting closer.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read:

Sonny’s Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug,” the man says.

So, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Q. When you want to use me, you throw me away. When you’re done using me, you bring me in. What am I?
A. An anchor.

What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop Music

What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs.



It's Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.



How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
Call to the local newspaper’s classified editor: “I have a complaint about an ad I placed.”

“I’m so sorry, sir. What was the problem?”

“You’d think a newspaper in a rural community like this one would have people on staff who had spent some time on a farm. What I said was ‘ewes.’ E-W-E-S.”

“Pardon?”

“Ewes. It makes a difference to some people.”

“I don’t follow.”

“The ad in the paper read: “Sheep for sale – USED.”
 

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