Jokes and Riddles

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.
 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person




Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".





On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”





The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
IT'S SO COLD......

  1. The optometrist is giving away free ice scrapers with eyeglasses
  2. Pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers pockets to keep them warm
  3. Politicians have their hands in their own pockets
  4. Squirrels in the park are throwing themselves against the electric fence
  5. Dogs are wearing cats
  6. Teenagers aren’t embarrassed by acne, they’re embarrassed by goose pimples
  7. When we milked the cows we got ice cream
  8. I chipped my tooth on my soup
  9. We didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it
  10. You have to kick a hole in the air just to get outside
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?”

“No,” I replied, “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”

“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A woman was driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over.

“License and registration, please,” he requested.

“It’s OK, officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to do this.”

“That’s impossible! There is no such license,” said the cop.

The woman reached into her purse and handed him her license.

“This is an ordinary license, Miss. There’s nothing here that would allow you special consideration,” he told her.

She replied: “It says so right here at the bottom: ‘Tear Along The Dotted Line.'”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
After 30 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”
 

Mooseman

Moderator
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.

You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings....

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 

northcreek

Well-Known Member
A husband and wife are grocery shopping and as the man puts a case of micro-brew ale in the cart the wife say's " I don't know why you have to buy such expensive beer?" the husband replies " hey how about all of those expensive beauty creams that you buy?"
She replies " well you want me to look attractive to you, don't you?" he says "yeah but, that was what the beer was for".
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg.

The buyer asks, “Why the wooden leg?”

The farmer replies, “That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.”

“Great, but why the wooden leg?”

“The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy.”

“Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?”

“Well, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t eat it all at once!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.

“We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”
 

Redbeard

Well-Known Member
A man with two burned ears was rushed to the hospital.

The doctor asked him how it happened.

He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang, so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”

“But how did you burn the other ear?” asked the doctor.

“How do you think I called 9-1-1?”
 

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