Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to buy a thousand hens, but didn’t have the money.
So, he put them on a layaway plan!
So, he put them on a layaway plan!
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Lying on his deathbed, a husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking.
They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the memorial service.”
They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the memorial service.”
From Archie comic strip:
Principal overlooking the substitute's class. Not a student is making a sound and all are behaving respectfully. Impressed the principal asks the substitute teacher "How do you get them to be so quiet and still?" The substitute teacher grinned replied "I just asked for a volunteer to solve an Algebra problem!"
Principal overlooking the substitute's class. Not a student is making a sound and all are behaving respectfully. Impressed the principal asks the substitute teacher "How do you get them to be so quiet and still?" The substitute teacher grinned replied "I just asked for a volunteer to solve an Algebra problem!"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk call the next customer by shouting, “E-I-E-I-O.”
“Here!” answered the woman standing next to me in line. Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool.
“Neither,” she replied. “My name is McDonald.
“Here!” answered the woman standing next to me in line. Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool.
“Neither,” she replied. “My name is McDonald.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder!
A: Take me to your weeder!
Sign at a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
At a tire shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
At a tire shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.
Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend.
“Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually?” he scolded. “You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message, ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’. And the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof,’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend.
It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend.
“Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually?” he scolded. “You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message, ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’. And the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof,’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend.
It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
...penned a few this morning...
A Drunken Old Pirate Named Blott
Told Sea Tales of “Powder and Shot”
“I’ll Tell Ye A Tale...
Fer A Tall Wench and Ale...”
But a Half-Pint was All that He Got!
A Respectable Vampire Named Drood
Loved the Ladies … Who Slept in the Nude
And When They Fell Asleep
To their Bedrooms He’d Creep
To Drink Blood… But NOT to Be Lewd
A Circus Performer named Briar
Got Nervous when ‘Walking The Wire’
He would often Opine
“Keep Tight On That Line...!”
But The ‘Tension’ Would Make Him Perspire
A Knight with His Armor and Shield
Tried to Coax a Young Maiden To Yield
And So He Took The Chance
That by Dropping His Pants
The Maid Could Be Laid on the Field
A Drunken Old Pirate Named Blott
Told Sea Tales of “Powder and Shot”
“I’ll Tell Ye A Tale...
Fer A Tall Wench and Ale...”
But a Half-Pint was All that He Got!
A Respectable Vampire Named Drood
Loved the Ladies … Who Slept in the Nude
And When They Fell Asleep
To their Bedrooms He’d Creep
To Drink Blood… But NOT to Be Lewd
A Circus Performer named Briar
Got Nervous when ‘Walking The Wire’
He would often Opine
“Keep Tight On That Line...!”
But The ‘Tension’ Would Make Him Perspire
A Knight with His Armor and Shield
Tried to Coax a Young Maiden To Yield
And So He Took The Chance
That by Dropping His Pants
The Maid Could Be Laid on the Field
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you hiring any help?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “Thank you, but we already have all the staff we need.”
“Well, then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “Thank you, but we already have all the staff we need.”
“Well, then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
The trucker stopped to picked up the hitchhiker girl in short shorts. “Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? ” she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “having eight inches of Snow in June? ”
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? ” she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “having eight inches of Snow in June? ”
...wrote these this morning after too much coffee...
A Strange and Odd Fellow Name Bangle
Had a Noggin Shaped Like a Triangle
Even Odder That,
From His Three Cornered Hat
Hung 3 Bells That Would Go “Jingle and Jangle”
A Rather Stout Fellow Named Gate
When the Lake Froze, Decided To Skate
But It Wasn’t So Nice,
When He Broke Through The Ice
Wondered He,“Was It Something I Ate?”
A Popular Robot Named Neal
With Mechanical Dames... Had Appeal
He Was Known For His Hustle,
With The Girls Who Liked Muscle
Which In This Case, Were All Stainless Steel
A Speedy Ball Player Named Mitch
Swore He’d Strike Out Against His Own Pitch
The Ump... Who’d No Doubt,
When Mitch Struck Himself ‘Out!’
Said, “Well… I’ll Be A Son of a Bitch!”
A Strange and Odd Fellow Name Bangle
Had a Noggin Shaped Like a Triangle
Even Odder That,
From His Three Cornered Hat
Hung 3 Bells That Would Go “Jingle and Jangle”
A Rather Stout Fellow Named Gate
When the Lake Froze, Decided To Skate
But It Wasn’t So Nice,
When He Broke Through The Ice
Wondered He,“Was It Something I Ate?”
A Popular Robot Named Neal
With Mechanical Dames... Had Appeal
He Was Known For His Hustle,
With The Girls Who Liked Muscle
Which In This Case, Were All Stainless Steel
A Speedy Ball Player Named Mitch
Swore He’d Strike Out Against His Own Pitch
The Ump... Who’d No Doubt,
When Mitch Struck Himself ‘Out!’
Said, “Well… I’ll Be A Son of a Bitch!”
A high-school football player called the coach at home one night.
When the coach’s wife informed the kid that her husband wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
“Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” she told him. “What’s your number?”
The flustered kid replied, “Three.
When the coach’s wife informed the kid that her husband wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
“Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” she told him. “What’s your number?”
The flustered kid replied, “Three.
Redneck mini blinds
Dusting optional
ps. April the 1st is just around the corner. Hint this SATURDAY
Dusting optional
ps. April the 1st is just around the corner. Hint this SATURDAY
This sounds Crazy, I know... But the only way to stop thinking about these damned things... is to write them down...
A Charming Young Lady Named Milly
Had The Hots For a Fellow Named Willy
But Her Only Complaint
Was She Had A Sore Taint
Willy’s ‘Aim’ Was a Bit ‘Willy-Nilly’
A Gun-Slinging Cowhand Named Hal
Was Branding Some Steers with a Pal
When His Friend Missed The Mark
And Burned Hal With A Spark,
He Went Off Like the ‘OK Corral’
Sears & Roebuck Met Up At The Shore
On The Beach With Bikinis Galore
But You Must Be Aware,
That If They Are BOTH There
Then I Wonder… Who’s Minding The Store?
The Lady Bug Known as Miss Emma
Was Facing An Awful Dilemma
For She Went To The Dance
With Ten Thousand Ants
And Got ‘Felt Up’ By All Their Antennae
A Charming Young Lady Named Milly
Had The Hots For a Fellow Named Willy
But Her Only Complaint
Was She Had A Sore Taint
Willy’s ‘Aim’ Was a Bit ‘Willy-Nilly’
A Gun-Slinging Cowhand Named Hal
Was Branding Some Steers with a Pal
When His Friend Missed The Mark
And Burned Hal With A Spark,
He Went Off Like the ‘OK Corral’
Sears & Roebuck Met Up At The Shore
On The Beach With Bikinis Galore
But You Must Be Aware,
That If They Are BOTH There
Then I Wonder… Who’s Minding The Store?
The Lady Bug Known as Miss Emma
Was Facing An Awful Dilemma
For She Went To The Dance
With Ten Thousand Ants
And Got ‘Felt Up’ By All Their Antennae
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really careth.”
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really careth.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a letter from the lawyer.
Inside was a bill.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a letter from the lawyer.
Inside was a bill.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
... some more of my madness... :>)
A Machinist from London Named Fife
Made a Chastity Belt For His Wife
“The Trick...” Said He
“Is To Insert My ‘Key’...
Then Hold Onto Her Ass For Dear Life!”
A Butcher Shop Owner Name Klein
Lost Some Patrons Because of His Sign
In Bold Letters Complete
Read, “The Queen Loves MY Meat…!”
So The Ladies Let His Sales Decline
The Voluptuous Madame McHughes
Often Struggled When Tying Her Shoes
Her Technique That Was Best
Was to Hike Up Each Breast
But Exhausted Her From This Abuse
There Once Was A Thousand Pound Sow
Who Was Overly Fond of Her Chow
When Her Owner Fell Ill
And Passed Out in Her Swill
His Sow was Delighted… and How!
A Machinist from London Named Fife
Made a Chastity Belt For His Wife
“The Trick...” Said He
“Is To Insert My ‘Key’...
Then Hold Onto Her Ass For Dear Life!”
A Butcher Shop Owner Name Klein
Lost Some Patrons Because of His Sign
In Bold Letters Complete
Read, “The Queen Loves MY Meat…!”
So The Ladies Let His Sales Decline
The Voluptuous Madame McHughes
Often Struggled When Tying Her Shoes
Her Technique That Was Best
Was to Hike Up Each Breast
But Exhausted Her From This Abuse
There Once Was A Thousand Pound Sow
Who Was Overly Fond of Her Chow
When Her Owner Fell Ill
And Passed Out in Her Swill
His Sow was Delighted… and How!
The guys are all at a deer camp for their annual hunting trip.
No one wants to room with Bob because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is an older cowboy — a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened?”
Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
No one wants to room with Bob because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is an older cowboy — a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened?”
Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and told them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” came the reply. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
“Simple,” the weatherman replied. “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and told them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” came the reply. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
“Simple,” the weatherman replied. “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
“But we’ve don’t subscribe to any!” says his wife.
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
“But we’ve don’t subscribe to any!” says his wife.
Number 10 – Death is the No. 1 killer in the world.
Number 9 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 8 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 7 – Men have two emotions: hungry and amorous, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eye, make him a sandwich.
Number 6 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. And give them a cell phone with all the bells and whistles and you may never see them again.
Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 – In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 – Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Number 1 – Don’t worry about old age — it doesn’t last that long.
Number 9 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 8 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 7 – Men have two emotions: hungry and amorous, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eye, make him a sandwich.
Number 6 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. And give them a cell phone with all the bells and whistles and you may never see them again.
Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 – In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 – Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Number 1 – Don’t worry about old age — it doesn’t last that long.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause.
The naked lady ran back outside surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend. “Are you OK?”
“I’m great! said the naked lady. “I just won 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!'”
One leaned over and said, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause.
The naked lady ran back outside surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend. “Are you OK?”
“I’m great! said the naked lady. “I just won 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!'”
Rocky was a great running back, but a really poor high-school student.
At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star, so his fellow students held a rally and demanded the principal give him his diploma anyway.
They were so insistent the principal agreed if Rocky could answer one question correctly, the athlete would graduate.
The one-question test was held in the auditorium. All the students packed the place. It was standing-room only.
The principal called Rocky to join him on-stage. Holding the diploma in his hand, he said, “Rocky, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.”
Rocky said he was ready. The auditorium was tense.
“Rocky,” the principal said, “How much is three times seven?”
Rocky fidgeted. He looked up at the ceiling, then down at his shoes … pondering the question.
The auditorium erupted with students chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
But, Rocky held up his hand, and the auditorium fell silent.
“I think … I know the answer,” Rocky said. “Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium.
Then, as one, the students rose to their feet and began chanting: “Give him another chance! … Give him another chance!”
At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star, so his fellow students held a rally and demanded the principal give him his diploma anyway.
They were so insistent the principal agreed if Rocky could answer one question correctly, the athlete would graduate.
The one-question test was held in the auditorium. All the students packed the place. It was standing-room only.
The principal called Rocky to join him on-stage. Holding the diploma in his hand, he said, “Rocky, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.”
Rocky said he was ready. The auditorium was tense.
“Rocky,” the principal said, “How much is three times seven?”
Rocky fidgeted. He looked up at the ceiling, then down at his shoes … pondering the question.
The auditorium erupted with students chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
But, Rocky held up his hand, and the auditorium fell silent.
“I think … I know the answer,” Rocky said. “Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium.
Then, as one, the students rose to their feet and began chanting: “Give him another chance! … Give him another chance!”
PEPSI: We just made the biggest public relations blunder of any major company this year.
UNITED: Hold my beer.
UNITED: Hold my beer.
A cowboy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that everything he’s wearing is made of paper – his shirt, his jeans, his chaps, his boots, his hat, his kerchief; even his spurs are paper.
He was arrested for rustling.
He was arrested for rustling.
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him: "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
--------------------------------------------------------------
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!
A talking chicken!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
------------------------------------------------------------------
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him: "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
--------------------------------------------------------------
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!
A talking chicken!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
------------------------------------------------------------------
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed space.
He needed space.
An obviously angry man storms into the clothing store, throws the shirt on the counter and begins shouting at the clerk.
“Look, I just bought this shirt last week and it has shrunk at least 3 sizes. The label says ‘Guarantee No Shrink.'”
The clerk replies, “Yes, and what’s the problem?”
“I told you,” the dissatisfied customer yelled. “I just bought this shirt last week and it has shrunk at least 3 sizes. The label says ‘Guarantee No Shrink.'”
“Ah, but that shirt was made in China,” said the clerk.
“China — what’s that got to do with anything? said the man, growing more irate.
The clerk coolly replied, “Well in China, they read from right to left. Your label reads, ‘Shrink No Guarantee.'”
“Look, I just bought this shirt last week and it has shrunk at least 3 sizes. The label says ‘Guarantee No Shrink.'”
The clerk replies, “Yes, and what’s the problem?”
“I told you,” the dissatisfied customer yelled. “I just bought this shirt last week and it has shrunk at least 3 sizes. The label says ‘Guarantee No Shrink.'”
“Ah, but that shirt was made in China,” said the clerk.
“China — what’s that got to do with anything? said the man, growing more irate.
The clerk coolly replied, “Well in China, they read from right to left. Your label reads, ‘Shrink No Guarantee.'”
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face …
And then I saw her face …
The staff at a local United Way office realized the town’s most successful lawyer had never made a donation.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again.
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again.
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Signs that a redneck has been at your computer:
. The monitor is up on blocks.
. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
. The keyboard is camouflaged.
. The password is "Bubba".
. Six front keys have rotted out.
. The numeric keypad only goes up to three.
. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
. The monitor is up on blocks.
. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
. The keyboard is camouflaged.
. The password is "Bubba".
. Six front keys have rotted out.
. The numeric keypad only goes up to three.
. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".