HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Why did the cowboy's car stop?
It had Injun trouble.
It had Injun trouble.
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the bathrooms’s right around the corner.”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the bathrooms’s right around the corner.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.. we had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jack was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.. we had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jack was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation in Florida during the winter, staying at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of difficulty coordinating their travel schedules, the husband flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and without realizing his error, he sent it.
Meanwhile … somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: 12 April 2014
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and without realizing his error, he sent it.
Meanwhile … somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: 12 April 2014
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was too hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Pop
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Pop
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her sick Grandpa.
When they there, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly. “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog, because Grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”
When they there, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly. “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog, because Grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.
A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.
On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and laid down on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he blurted out, “Are those potato chips?”
A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.
On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and laid down on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he blurted out, “Are those potato chips?”
northcreek
Member
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. Yank that tooth out, pronto!”
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him, honey.”
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. Yank that tooth out, pronto!”
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him, honey.”
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Who invented the back up sensor?
Bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler? No. Then how about Mercedes Benz? No! It was a Chinese farmer!
Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes into contact with something.
Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.
It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.
His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-...AAAAAF_I/wDtZm2PXI0A/s2560/1414645187530.jpeg
Bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler? No. Then how about Mercedes Benz? No! It was a Chinese farmer!
Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes into contact with something.
Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.
It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.
His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-...AAAAAF_I/wDtZm2PXI0A/s2560/1414645187530.jpeg
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure
if I ever went there, I could get by.
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there, Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad … It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there, Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad … It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist and a statistician) are called in to see the dean.
Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, “I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”
The chemist says, “No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, “What are you doing?”
To which the statistician replies, “Trying to get an adequate sample size.”
Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, “I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”
The chemist says, “No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, “What are you doing?”
To which the statistician replies, “Trying to get an adequate sample size.”
A true gentleman.
Alan & Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter & the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove, to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won’t mind.' So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes & beer at the store & then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home, with the items she said, 'Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?'
Alan replied, 'Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I was not sure how thick the ice was!'
Alan & Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter & the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove, to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won’t mind.' So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes & beer at the store & then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home, with the items she said, 'Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?'
Alan replied, 'Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I was not sure how thick the ice was!'
A father was driving his son to school when he inadvertently made an illegal turn at some traffic lights. Realizing his mistake, he said:
“Oops, I just made an illegal turn.”
“It’s OK, Dad,” said his son. “The police car behind us did the same thing.”
“Oops, I just made an illegal turn.”
“It’s OK, Dad,” said his son. “The police car behind us did the same thing.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: What is a ghosts favorite position in soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper.
A: Ghoul keeper.
Mooseman
Moderator
Despair
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Mr. Parker saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?”
“No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”
“No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
The Elephant And The Ant
An elephant and an ant are walking through the forest when the ant falls into a deep pit. The ant cries out to the elephant to get him out of the hole. The elephant sticks his penis into the hole, and the ant uses it to get out of the hole. They continue walking when a short time later, the elephant falls into a deep hole. The elephant cries out to the ant to help him get out of the hole. The ant gets a Porsche and throws it into the hole. The elephant than uses the Porsche to climb out of the hole.
The morale of the story: If you have a big penis, you don't need a Porsche!
An elephant and an ant are walking through the forest when the ant falls into a deep pit. The ant cries out to the elephant to get him out of the hole. The elephant sticks his penis into the hole, and the ant uses it to get out of the hole. They continue walking when a short time later, the elephant falls into a deep hole. The elephant cries out to the ant to help him get out of the hole. The ant gets a Porsche and throws it into the hole. The elephant than uses the Porsche to climb out of the hole.
The morale of the story: If you have a big penis, you don't need a Porsche!
northcreek
Member
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn't you?
It seems that you know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn't you?
It seems that you know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
---Don't know the leader of any religion...
Where do we get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Where do we get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I’ve just discovered the 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.'”
“I’ve just discovered the 3,000-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.'”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
I think it’s pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.
“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
A group of 40-year-old buddies – David, Michael and Steven – discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the waiters and waitresses there were very young and very fast.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the restaurant was wheel-chair accessible, the restrooms were close and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they had never been there before.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the restaurant was wheel-chair accessible, the restrooms were close and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they had never been there before.
My kids call it “yelling” when I raise my voice.
But I call it “motivational speaking” for those with selective hearing.
But I call it “motivational speaking” for those with selective hearing.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A man is driving down the road when he sees a car off the side of the road, on it's top, and in flames. No one else is around, so he gets out to see if he can help. Inside, he finds a beautiful woman and she is bleeding profusely. He rushes her to the hospital, where she spends the next six months. He stays by her side day and night caring for her, even donating blood to her as needed. When she is released, they continue seeing each other and get married soon after. Everything was great for a few years, then she realizes that he doesn't give a shit about anything but his money and she decides to leave him. She comes walking down the stairs, car keys and bulging suitcases in hand. He stops her, says "where are you going with those keys, I bought that car, it belongs to me." She tosses him the keys and keeps walking. "And those clothes and the suitcases, I've bought it all." She throws down the clothes and keeps walking. She get to the door when he says "Come to think of it, about half the blood in your body belongs to me, you're not going anywhere." She quickly reaches down and pulls out her tampon, throws it in his face and says, "Fine, I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink, the housekeeper was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out the door when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I’ll have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
When I went back to our room to get something to drink, the housekeeper was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out the door when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I’ll have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Three offroaders were sitting around a camp fire at a talking.
The first one (Fred) looks over at the other two and says
"Bob whats the worst pain you ever felt?"
Bob replies "Well I was winching the rig on old trail 9 and the winch cable broke and hit me right in the shin and cut me to the bone!"
The other two reply "Damn I bet that hurt"
Bob asks Ted "Ted what the worst pain you ever felt?"
Ted replies " Well I was stuck in a rut one time and I got my jack out was jacking the truck up and the darn thing rolled back and the truck kicked the jack out and the bumper came down right on top of my right knee!!"
The other two winced and replied "Oh man that had to hurt"
Ted replies "Fred now that you started this what is the worst pain you ever felt?"
Fred replies " Hmmm! The SECOND worst pain I ever felt was when we were offroading in Kentucky and I had to take a dump terrible bad... so I pulled over went back off the trail about a hundred feet with a roll of paper. Dropped my drawers bent down and SSNAP! I got jim and the twins caught in a #2 steel trap!"
The other two winced and said "Damn that was the SECOND worst pain you ever felt? What was the worst?"
Fred replied " WHEN I RUN OUTTA CHAIN!!!"
The first one (Fred) looks over at the other two and says
"Bob whats the worst pain you ever felt?"
Bob replies "Well I was winching the rig on old trail 9 and the winch cable broke and hit me right in the shin and cut me to the bone!"
The other two reply "Damn I bet that hurt"
Bob asks Ted "Ted what the worst pain you ever felt?"
Ted replies " Well I was stuck in a rut one time and I got my jack out was jacking the truck up and the darn thing rolled back and the truck kicked the jack out and the bumper came down right on top of my right knee!!"
The other two winced and replied "Oh man that had to hurt"
Ted replies "Fred now that you started this what is the worst pain you ever felt?"
Fred replies " Hmmm! The SECOND worst pain I ever felt was when we were offroading in Kentucky and I had to take a dump terrible bad... so I pulled over went back off the trail about a hundred feet with a roll of paper. Dropped my drawers bent down and SSNAP! I got jim and the twins caught in a #2 steel trap!"
The other two winced and said "Damn that was the SECOND worst pain you ever felt? What was the worst?"
Fred replied " WHEN I RUN OUTTA CHAIN!!!"
northcreek
Member
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a man wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a shirt with 'Save the Trees' and the Democratic Party logo emblazoned on it. The man was screaming, thrashing all about and struggling frantically in an effort to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of rugged loggers wearing 'Go Trump' shirts and hats with 'Make America Great Again' on the front and Republican elephant logos on the sides came racing up. One fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two others pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of them dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred in Alaska between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude," the another replied, "that was the Pope." He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way ...
Is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California for another one?"
He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a man wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a shirt with 'Save the Trees' and the Democratic Party logo emblazoned on it. The man was screaming, thrashing all about and struggling frantically in an effort to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of rugged loggers wearing 'Go Trump' shirts and hats with 'Make America Great Again' on the front and Republican elephant logos on the sides came racing up. One fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two others pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of them dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred in Alaska between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude," the another replied, "that was the Pope." He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way ...
Is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California for another one?"
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.”
“How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”
“How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport!
When you are sick at the airport!
A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
“Parlez-vous français?” he says.
The two continue to stare, so the German tries again “Parlate italiano?”
No response. “¿Hablan ustedes español?” Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off.
The first American says, “You know, we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” asks the other. “He knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
“Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
“Parlez-vous français?” he says.
The two continue to stare, so the German tries again “Parlate italiano?”
No response. “¿Hablan ustedes español?” Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off.
The first American says, “You know, we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” asks the other. “He knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
A reporter from the local newspaper was interviewing a 103-year-old great-grandmother during her birthday celebration.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
“No peer pressure,” replied the birthday girl.
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
“No peer pressure,” replied the birthday girl.
I went with a friend to the country to look at a house he was thinking of buying. We found the town but not the road. We drove over to city hall, but no one there had heard of the road, not even the police or firefighters we asked.
Finally, a young man came to our aid. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there.
“Thanks,” I said. “Are you with the police or fire department?”
“Neither,” he said. “I deliver pizzas.”
Finally, a young man came to our aid. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there.
“Thanks,” I said. “Are you with the police or fire department?”
“Neither,” he said. “I deliver pizzas.”
Rose are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage. But laughing at you.
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage. But laughing at you.
