Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
northcreek
Member
kawaholic
Member
- Sep 9, 2013
- 106
A man comes home from work one day and his son asks, "daddy, what's the difference between theory and reality?"
He thinks about it for a minute and then he tells the kid to go ask his mother if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
He comes back kind of puzzled. Yeah, dad, she said she would.
Ok, go ask your sister if she would.
Yup, she said she would too.
Ok, go ask your brother.
Kid comes back in total shock and disbelief. Daddy, he said he would too!!!
Son, in "theory" we're sitting on 3 million dollars.
In "reality" we're living with two whores and a queer...
He thinks about it for a minute and then he tells the kid to go ask his mother if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
He comes back kind of puzzled. Yeah, dad, she said she would.
Ok, go ask your sister if she would.
Yup, she said she would too.
Ok, go ask your brother.
Kid comes back in total shock and disbelief. Daddy, he said he would too!!!
Son, in "theory" we're sitting on 3 million dollars.
In "reality" we're living with two whores and a queer...
kawaholic
Member
- Sep 9, 2013
- 106
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
kawaholic
Member
- Sep 9, 2013
- 106
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
kawaholic
Member
- Sep 9, 2013
- 106
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.
I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer — no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand ... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head — almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear... not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack.
Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider — a "city folk." I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, "There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!"
I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer — no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand ... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head — almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear... not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack.
Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider — a "city folk." I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, "There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!"
kawaholic
Member
- Sep 9, 2013
- 106
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
mikeinDE
Member
- Jan 4, 2012
- 855
A guy is hanging out at the bar one night and a young lady grabs his attention. So he walks up to her and starts a conversation and asks her name. She proceeds to tell him "my name is Carmen". "That's a lovely name", he replies. "Thanks it's a name I came up with myself as it represents my two favorite things in life: cars and men". So she proceeds to ask him what his name is. He replies, "BJ Titsengolf"
northcreek
Member
This wouldn't be so funny if it weren't an actual commercial from the 80s....
[video=youtube;xCe6NOBUut0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCe6NOBUut0[/video]
[video=youtube;xCe6NOBUut0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCe6NOBUut0[/video]
northcreek
Member
northcreek
Member
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......
my wife manages to get on every one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis.....
Soft and hanging freely....
It’s women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
my wife manages to get on every one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis.....
Soft and hanging freely....
It’s women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
northcreek
Member
As a guy driving a truck in Pittsburgh stops for a red light on Route
51 South, a cute blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up
to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
and she says, "Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your
load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the road. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly,"Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some
of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your load! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
lowers it, he says,..............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pittsburgh , and I'm driving
the SALT TRUCK
51 South, a cute blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up
to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
and she says, "Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your
load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the road. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly,"Hi, my name is Vicki, and you are losing some
of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
name is Vicki, and you are losing some of your load! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
lowers it, he says,..............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pittsburgh , and I'm driving
the SALT TRUCK
Hatchet
Member
- Nov 21, 2011
- 2,405
I went on Ebay and ordered a chicken and an egg. Now we wait to see which comes first.
------------------
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them, or that you're in their house again.
------------------
------------------
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them, or that you're in their house again.
------------------
northcreek
Member
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel sh#t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada ....
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France ......
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany .....
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA .....
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ....
They're happy in Denmark .
Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
And unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel sh#t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada ....
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France ......
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany .....
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA .....
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ....
They're happy in Denmark .
Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
And unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
Hatchet
Member
- Nov 21, 2011
- 2,405
I hate cleaning my floors. So I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer.
I'm going to hell.
I'm going to hell.
northcreek
Member
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me".
Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me".
northcreek
Member
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A FARMER'S LOGIC
You know there are so many TVchannels, each one
starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter
seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for a
interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went asfollows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said?
“Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):
“Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the
relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”
“Just imagine, if I was playing with your
tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...
You know there are so many TVchannels, each one
starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter
seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for a
interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went asfollows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said?
“Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):
“Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the
relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.”
“Just imagine, if I was playing with your
tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...
Envoy_04
Member
- Jul 1, 2013
- 749
Hatchet said:
This has got to be staged, at 1:20 the dude makes a threat and begins to act on it, the cop had every right to use force to subdue him. I don't know of a cop out there who wouldn't have done so or tazed him.
When he pulled the flare pistol or whatever the heck that was out, most cops would have shot him.
Still funny, but would've been funnier to see him get tazed.
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
Two guys sitting in a bar talking like they do every night. Andy was thinking about how much time he and Jake spend in the bar. Andy looks down to the other end, and points at two old drunks sitting there, telling Jake - "that's us in 20 years." 
Jake says, "you asshole, that's a mirror."
Jake says, "you asshole, that's a mirror."
northcreek
Member
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant..They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.
"The man calmly looked up at her and said "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.
"The man calmly looked up at her and said "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
Einst-Hawk
Member
- Jan 31, 2014
- 105
I really like this thread. So I thought I would throw in a true story.
Enjoy!
The year was 94 or 95. I was working at Jeff Lynch Appliance Center at the time. I had gotten paired up with this new guy Matt for about a week or two. I was showing him the ropes about how to move and hook up refrigerators, washers, dryers…etc. He seemed like an ok dude.
One day after work he had said something like “Let’s go drinking and pick up some ass.” I said hell yeah. My girlfriend my just moved out on me and I was ready to say screw it. I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday. But that really doesn’t matter.
I drove back to my apt at Stonesthrow to get cleaned up and Matt picked me up a couple hours later. He said that he knew about this really cool bar down on Wade Hampton Blvd. I was thinking the Fox or something. But we ended up at this bar a little down the road from there. I really don’t remember what it was called back then. A little hole in the wall joint. I know it’s still there. It’s on the right going towards Greer.
Anyway. We get in there and the place is dead. I’m like f*ck it, I’m getting a beer. Matt gets one too. I’m sitting there staring at nothing; drinking my beer and Matt says that he left his smokes in the truck. He’ll be right back. 5 minutes went by. 10 minutes went by. At 15 I went out to check on him. Guess what? No Matt. No Truck. Dude had left me there. Why? F*ck, I don’t know. Just to be an Asshole I guess. Shit, I am so pissed.
The bartender let me use their phone to try to get a ride, but I got no answer from everyone I called. So I finally had to call a cab. Damn cab took over an hour to get there. I am f*cking steaming mad now.
Not only did I have to pay over $15 for a cab ride home, I had to pay for His beer. I’m going to kill this F*cker.
I finally get home and turn on the tv. Cheers happens to be on. And wouldn’t you know it – it’s the “snipe hunting” episode. I get a HUGE grin on my face. I call my buddy Bill (who happens to be home now - Where the f*ck were you 2 hours ago?) and tell him what happened and set up “The Plan.”
The next day I go to work and see Matt. I calmly ask him what happened last night. He said he had gotten an emergency phone call and had to leave. He did have a bag phone in his truck and had made sure that I knew it. (He was really cool – he has a car phone) He said that he came in and didn’t see me and that the bartender did not know where I was. That was Bullshit. I never left the barstool. But I kept my cool. I told him that I was so sorry that he couldn’t find me and that I must have been in the restroom or something. I told him again and again how sorry I was. I really valued him as a friend and I did not want to be the cause of him not being able to take care of an emergency quickly. And that I hoped everything was all right. He never asked how I got home.
Matt seemed to be enjoying screwing me over because he secretly told everyone else at work what he had really done to me. The rest of my friends told me that I was played. But I kept on saying that it was my fault and he was not to blame. And for the next couple days I kept on apologizing to him. They called me stupid. I did not want to risk the chance of Matt catching on to what was in store for him. So I kept on playing stupid.
That Saturday I intentionally got paired with Matt. On our delivery runs, I was telling him that my friend Bill had a problem. His grandmother was giving him two old cars that belonged to his Grandpa; a 68 Mustang and a 70 Nova SS. He had died recently and she just did not want them around anymore. Bill needed two people to help him get the cars from Michigan to Greenville (SC). I told him Bill said he had tried to get other friends to help, but everyone had to work and did not have the time.
Matt peaked with interest. I said that I was going to drive one of them back and Bill had asked me if there was anyone that I really trust to help him out. I said to Matt that I had mentioned his name to Bill. Matt got much more interested now. During our time working together, Matt had always bragged about the muscle cars he had when he was younger and how bad assed he looked driving them. The line had been cast.
I explained that Bill would drive all of us up there in his car and that he was so desperate to get these cars down here that he would pay for all the gas and food. I also said that I wanted to drive the back Mustang back and that I didn’t think I could get Matt to go along if he didn’t get any drive time in the Nova. I wanted to show Matt that I was thinking about him.
Matt asked when this would happen. I said that I told Bill that if Matt agreed, we would have to leave this evening in order to have enough time to drive the 20 hours up there and back because we had to work on Monday. I said “Short notice I know. But I would not be able to do it otherwise. We would have to leave right after work.” I did this on purpose. I did not want Matt to be able to tell anyone where he was going and with whom. Matt said “Let’s do it.” He had a huge smile on his face and I smiled at him back. Big and Bold. There’s the Hook.
Now I don’t know what the hell Matt was thinking he was going to do. Try to hide the car and say someone stole it when he was getting gas, or just the fact that he would be able to drive a muscle car and dog the shit out of it. I personally don’t think he ever owned one before in his life. He just talked a lot of shit. But I do know he was scheming to screw us over somehow.
I called Bill and told him it was on. He picked us up from work and we were on the way. The trip up was amusing. We all laughed and told jokes and acted like the best of friends. We arrived at Grandma’s house in Ann Arbor at about 5:00 Sunday morning.
At this point, I should tell you that Bill is from Michigan and it is true that Bill does have a Grandma living there and his Grandma does have a couple of old cars. But they are not a 68 Mustang and a 70 Nova SS.
Since Grandma did not know about the plan Bill and I hatched, she defiantly would not have approved, we had to keep Matt from mentioning the cars in front of Grandma. Bill had told his Grandma that he was coming up for the day with couple of friends, nothing else. He asked if we could get some sleep in the basement so as not to disturb her. We also told Matt that Grandma was still really upset about Grandpa’s death and that he shouldn’t mention anything about the cars or Grandpa.
We all got a few hours rest in the basement and woke up around 11:00. Matt was looking pretty scraggily when he woke up. His hair was a complete mess. Snarled and rats nest looking. He was still in his dirty work clothes and didn’t smell too great. And yes I was in my work clothes too, but that was going to change soon. I had packed a bag and put it in the trunk the day prior. Bill went upstairs and pretended to talk about the cars. Bill came back and said that we had to go over to Windsor, Canada.
Matt was a little concerned about this because he did not know where Windsor was. Being that he had never left SC in his life, much less the upstate area. We assured him that it isn’t too far. It is just across the bridge from Detroit, about an hours drive. Bill explained that his Grandpa kept them in Canada in storage because he did not have to pay taxes on them over there. That made sense to him. And why not? Who likes paying taxes?
We hit the road and we were in Canada in no time. Now this is pre 911, before you had to have a passport to cross the bridge or tunnel (so I’ve heard. I haven’t been back there in a long time.) All you needed was your driver’s license. We were still all laughing and joking around. Playing like best of friends. We pulled into a K-mart in Windsor. Bill said he had to get a new key made for one of the cars because one of them was bent. Bill sternly suggested that we all leave our wallets in the car and he would just take a couple of bucks in because there are a lot of pickpockets here. He said that Canadians would love to “pick” us because we are Americans. I protested (for the reality effect) but Bill said that we would not be able to get back into the US without ID if we got picked. I finally relented and Matt did too.
We all got out and went to the key center. Bill got a key made to the ‘Nova’ while Matt and I wandered a bit. As he was giving the key to Matt, Bill noticed that it didn’t quite look right as he compared it to the master key. The master key was, of course, an old car key that he had. No big loss if he didn’t get it back. He told Matt go back to the key center and get them to fix it because he had to take a major leak. While Matt was doing what he was told, I snuck off also.
..... Continued on next post. Apparently I went over the 10,000 character limit.
Enjoy!
The year was 94 or 95. I was working at Jeff Lynch Appliance Center at the time. I had gotten paired up with this new guy Matt for about a week or two. I was showing him the ropes about how to move and hook up refrigerators, washers, dryers…etc. He seemed like an ok dude.
One day after work he had said something like “Let’s go drinking and pick up some ass.” I said hell yeah. My girlfriend my just moved out on me and I was ready to say screw it. I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday. But that really doesn’t matter.
I drove back to my apt at Stonesthrow to get cleaned up and Matt picked me up a couple hours later. He said that he knew about this really cool bar down on Wade Hampton Blvd. I was thinking the Fox or something. But we ended up at this bar a little down the road from there. I really don’t remember what it was called back then. A little hole in the wall joint. I know it’s still there. It’s on the right going towards Greer.
Anyway. We get in there and the place is dead. I’m like f*ck it, I’m getting a beer. Matt gets one too. I’m sitting there staring at nothing; drinking my beer and Matt says that he left his smokes in the truck. He’ll be right back. 5 minutes went by. 10 minutes went by. At 15 I went out to check on him. Guess what? No Matt. No Truck. Dude had left me there. Why? F*ck, I don’t know. Just to be an Asshole I guess. Shit, I am so pissed.
The bartender let me use their phone to try to get a ride, but I got no answer from everyone I called. So I finally had to call a cab. Damn cab took over an hour to get there. I am f*cking steaming mad now.
Not only did I have to pay over $15 for a cab ride home, I had to pay for His beer. I’m going to kill this F*cker.
I finally get home and turn on the tv. Cheers happens to be on. And wouldn’t you know it – it’s the “snipe hunting” episode. I get a HUGE grin on my face. I call my buddy Bill (who happens to be home now - Where the f*ck were you 2 hours ago?) and tell him what happened and set up “The Plan.”
The next day I go to work and see Matt. I calmly ask him what happened last night. He said he had gotten an emergency phone call and had to leave. He did have a bag phone in his truck and had made sure that I knew it. (He was really cool – he has a car phone) He said that he came in and didn’t see me and that the bartender did not know where I was. That was Bullshit. I never left the barstool. But I kept my cool. I told him that I was so sorry that he couldn’t find me and that I must have been in the restroom or something. I told him again and again how sorry I was. I really valued him as a friend and I did not want to be the cause of him not being able to take care of an emergency quickly. And that I hoped everything was all right. He never asked how I got home.
Matt seemed to be enjoying screwing me over because he secretly told everyone else at work what he had really done to me. The rest of my friends told me that I was played. But I kept on saying that it was my fault and he was not to blame. And for the next couple days I kept on apologizing to him. They called me stupid. I did not want to risk the chance of Matt catching on to what was in store for him. So I kept on playing stupid.
That Saturday I intentionally got paired with Matt. On our delivery runs, I was telling him that my friend Bill had a problem. His grandmother was giving him two old cars that belonged to his Grandpa; a 68 Mustang and a 70 Nova SS. He had died recently and she just did not want them around anymore. Bill needed two people to help him get the cars from Michigan to Greenville (SC). I told him Bill said he had tried to get other friends to help, but everyone had to work and did not have the time.
Matt peaked with interest. I said that I was going to drive one of them back and Bill had asked me if there was anyone that I really trust to help him out. I said to Matt that I had mentioned his name to Bill. Matt got much more interested now. During our time working together, Matt had always bragged about the muscle cars he had when he was younger and how bad assed he looked driving them. The line had been cast.
I explained that Bill would drive all of us up there in his car and that he was so desperate to get these cars down here that he would pay for all the gas and food. I also said that I wanted to drive the back Mustang back and that I didn’t think I could get Matt to go along if he didn’t get any drive time in the Nova. I wanted to show Matt that I was thinking about him.
Matt asked when this would happen. I said that I told Bill that if Matt agreed, we would have to leave this evening in order to have enough time to drive the 20 hours up there and back because we had to work on Monday. I said “Short notice I know. But I would not be able to do it otherwise. We would have to leave right after work.” I did this on purpose. I did not want Matt to be able to tell anyone where he was going and with whom. Matt said “Let’s do it.” He had a huge smile on his face and I smiled at him back. Big and Bold. There’s the Hook.
Now I don’t know what the hell Matt was thinking he was going to do. Try to hide the car and say someone stole it when he was getting gas, or just the fact that he would be able to drive a muscle car and dog the shit out of it. I personally don’t think he ever owned one before in his life. He just talked a lot of shit. But I do know he was scheming to screw us over somehow.
I called Bill and told him it was on. He picked us up from work and we were on the way. The trip up was amusing. We all laughed and told jokes and acted like the best of friends. We arrived at Grandma’s house in Ann Arbor at about 5:00 Sunday morning.
At this point, I should tell you that Bill is from Michigan and it is true that Bill does have a Grandma living there and his Grandma does have a couple of old cars. But they are not a 68 Mustang and a 70 Nova SS.
Since Grandma did not know about the plan Bill and I hatched, she defiantly would not have approved, we had to keep Matt from mentioning the cars in front of Grandma. Bill had told his Grandma that he was coming up for the day with couple of friends, nothing else. He asked if we could get some sleep in the basement so as not to disturb her. We also told Matt that Grandma was still really upset about Grandpa’s death and that he shouldn’t mention anything about the cars or Grandpa.
We all got a few hours rest in the basement and woke up around 11:00. Matt was looking pretty scraggily when he woke up. His hair was a complete mess. Snarled and rats nest looking. He was still in his dirty work clothes and didn’t smell too great. And yes I was in my work clothes too, but that was going to change soon. I had packed a bag and put it in the trunk the day prior. Bill went upstairs and pretended to talk about the cars. Bill came back and said that we had to go over to Windsor, Canada.
Matt was a little concerned about this because he did not know where Windsor was. Being that he had never left SC in his life, much less the upstate area. We assured him that it isn’t too far. It is just across the bridge from Detroit, about an hours drive. Bill explained that his Grandpa kept them in Canada in storage because he did not have to pay taxes on them over there. That made sense to him. And why not? Who likes paying taxes?
We hit the road and we were in Canada in no time. Now this is pre 911, before you had to have a passport to cross the bridge or tunnel (so I’ve heard. I haven’t been back there in a long time.) All you needed was your driver’s license. We were still all laughing and joking around. Playing like best of friends. We pulled into a K-mart in Windsor. Bill said he had to get a new key made for one of the cars because one of them was bent. Bill sternly suggested that we all leave our wallets in the car and he would just take a couple of bucks in because there are a lot of pickpockets here. He said that Canadians would love to “pick” us because we are Americans. I protested (for the reality effect) but Bill said that we would not be able to get back into the US without ID if we got picked. I finally relented and Matt did too.
We all got out and went to the key center. Bill got a key made to the ‘Nova’ while Matt and I wandered a bit. As he was giving the key to Matt, Bill noticed that it didn’t quite look right as he compared it to the master key. The master key was, of course, an old car key that he had. No big loss if he didn’t get it back. He told Matt go back to the key center and get them to fix it because he had to take a major leak. While Matt was doing what he was told, I snuck off also.
..... Continued on next post. Apparently I went over the 10,000 character limit.
Einst-Hawk
Member
- Jan 31, 2014
- 105
...
Bill and I ran out of Kmart and got back to the car in record time. We were laughing our asses off. We pulled to the front of the store to wait for Matt to eventually come out. I wanted him to know just why we left.
He came out looking very worried after about 10 minutes. He saw us in the car and gave a huge sigh of relief. We were still laughing our asses off. I could hardly contain myself enough to talk. He grabbed the car door handle, but it was locked. He started cussing and saying this wasn’t funny. I cracked the window and screamed at him. “This is what you get for leaving me at that F*cking bar ASSHOLE!!!!!!!” And big F*CK YOU as we drove off.
He was screaming and running after the car. It was great. Everyone was looking at this unwashed, dirty, crazy haired psycho screaming f*ck. I was dying. And the icing on the cake was; I had his wallet. SINKER.
Bill and I drove back to Ann Arbor. Took showers at Grandmas and then got some lunch at Big Boys. Matt did have (had) $21 in his wallet. Matt was nice enough to pay for our lunch. I think every state heard us laughing on the way back to Greenville.
I never did see that fucker again. But one day about a week later his truck magically disappeared from the Jeff Lynch parking lot. I hope he has learned that Assholes like him can be outshined by two smarter asses.
Bill and I ran out of Kmart and got back to the car in record time. We were laughing our asses off. We pulled to the front of the store to wait for Matt to eventually come out. I wanted him to know just why we left.
He came out looking very worried after about 10 minutes. He saw us in the car and gave a huge sigh of relief. We were still laughing our asses off. I could hardly contain myself enough to talk. He grabbed the car door handle, but it was locked. He started cussing and saying this wasn’t funny. I cracked the window and screamed at him. “This is what you get for leaving me at that F*cking bar ASSHOLE!!!!!!!” And big F*CK YOU as we drove off.
He was screaming and running after the car. It was great. Everyone was looking at this unwashed, dirty, crazy haired psycho screaming f*ck. I was dying. And the icing on the cake was; I had his wallet. SINKER.
Bill and I drove back to Ann Arbor. Took showers at Grandmas and then got some lunch at Big Boys. Matt did have (had) $21 in his wallet. Matt was nice enough to pay for our lunch. I think every state heard us laughing on the way back to Greenville.
I never did see that fucker again. But one day about a week later his truck magically disappeared from the Jeff Lynch parking lot. I hope he has learned that Assholes like him can be outshined by two smarter asses.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Envoy_04
Member
- Jul 1, 2013
- 749
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had
the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old
man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to
help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and
drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink
off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else
you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over
there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that
piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much."
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had
the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old
man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to
help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and
drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink
off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else
you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over
there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that
piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much."
Mark20
Member
- Dec 6, 2011
- 1,630
Things you really don't want to see on a fortune cookie fortune...
That wasn't chicken!
That wasn't chicken!