Jokes and Riddles

[DucatiSS]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes?"



Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.
__________________

 

[DucatiSS]

I have always had a warm spot in my heart for Redheads.

[video=youtube_share;8v6Gc7roJ6g]http://youtu.be/8v6Gc7roJ6g[/video]

 

[northcreek]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hangingout of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[northcreek]

View attachment 26086

 

[Voymom]

View attachment 12004

Love this!!

 

[Default User]

Without letting your lips touch - try saying "I like cops"

 

[northcreek]

Love this!!

Yeah Vmom...so much truth in art

 

[Wooluf1952]

I have always had a warm spot in my heart for Redheads.

[video=youtube_share;8v6Gc7roJ6g]http://youtu.be/8v6Gc7roJ6g[/video]

Right, my heart, lets go with that.

 

[DucatiSS]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

-The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

-I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

-My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

-I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

-The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

-My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[northcreek]

Tap on the Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window..

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

 

[northcreek]

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"

 

[mikeinDE]

Chinese man goes to the eye doctor...

Eye doctor: "sir, It looks like you have a cataract"
Chinese man: "no, I have a Rinkin Continental"

 

[willn513]

Chinese man goes to the eye doctor...

Eye doctor: "sir, It looks like you have a cataract"
Chinese man: "no, I have a Rinkin Continental"

Classic. Thank you Uncle Junior Soprano.

 

[northcreek]

Years ago I was working in a electric generating station and pretty wide eyed at the crudeness of some of the workers.One guy there(Bill) was kind of simple minded and a general PITA.
It was Friday and Bill was getting married the next day.At the end of the day a bunch of guys grabbed Bill dragged him up on a work bench and painted his Nads red and green using indelible ink from our chart recorders.
Bill talked kind of like Elmer Fudd and was almost crying saying"this will never come off,what will I tell Ruby tomorrow night?"
One of the guys yells out"hey,Bill if shes never seen one before,she won't know the difference".

 

[DucatiSS]

Chinese man goes to the eye doctor...

Eye doctor: "sir, It looks like you have a cataract"
Chinese man: "no, I have a Rinkin Continental"

Believe it or not, I attended the 1974 Boy Scout Jamboree in Idaho and Bob Hope told us that same joke.
He later had to apologize to the Chinese Boy Scout troops that attended.

Strange but true.

 

[northcreek]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[RayVoy]

An elderly couple was at home watching TV
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel."
"You already know how to fish!"

 

[RayVoy]

In New Brunswick, we like to poke fun at our almost next door neighbours in Newfoundland; we love then, but they are on the receiving end of a lot of jokes.

So, here goes.

This story happen awhile ago in St. John's; and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Newfie University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.
Only to realize, there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.
The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road.
So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everyone realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Lard Jesus Garge, there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[northcreek]

Goofy Newfies....gotta love em..

 

[northcreek]

View attachment 26596

 

[northcreek]

Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure, that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes, is something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.........



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

 

[northcreek]

Bless me father for I have sinned.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied:
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said:
"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[BO TIE SS]

View attachment 26839

I was in a bar the other night and
overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so
I approached and asked, "Hello, ladies
are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's
Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am
so sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland?"

 

[northcreek]

View attachment 26855

 

[northcreek]

Help For A close Buddy

I'm reaching out on behalf of a close buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

 

[fletch09]

Happy Easter

 

[northcreek]

God Loves Drunk People Too
>
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
> door.
>
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
> standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
>
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> "Who was that?" asked his wife...."Just some drunk guy asking for a
> push," he answers.
>
> "Did you help him?" she asks.
>
> "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring
> rain out there!"
>
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
> about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
> us?
>
> I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
>
> "God loves drunk people too you know."
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>
> "Yes," comes back the answer.
>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
> "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Short Bus]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."
______________________________________________

There comes a time
when a woman just has to trust her husband...


A wife comes
home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the
blanket she sees
four legs
instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket
as hard as she can.


Leaving the
covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she
enters, she sees her
husband there,
reading a magazine.


"Hi Darling",
he says," Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our
bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
_________________________________________________

So this NY Madison Ave lawyer is walking across the street and gets hit by a cab. Bam hes dead.

He gets to the pearly gates and sees St Peter. St Peter says to him "my son what have you done in your life that warrants your passage into Heaven?"

The lawyer thinks about it and says the other day I gave a homeless man a quarter.

St Peter says that isn't a whole lot, what else have you done?

The lawyer thinks about it for a minute... then says a couple of years ago I gave another homeless man a quarter.

St Peter says I'll get back to you in a moment.

St peter pulls Gabriel aside and asks him What do you think?

Gabriel looks him up and down and says I say we give him his fifty cents back and tell him to go to hell!
______________________________________________________

My son,The Veterinarian



One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly
offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink
envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!



The following Sunday, he watched as the offering
was collected and saw an elderly woman put the
distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.





"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.



"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money and I give some of it to the church."





The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is
a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea
they made that much money," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has
two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
__________________________________________________

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced

with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use

lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it

was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their

lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of

little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and

the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister

Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to

the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained

that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian,

who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns

from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to

clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls

how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped

it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have

been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers...... And then there

are educators! If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for

her!

 

[RayVoy]

Three Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father".
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop, whenever he walks into a room, everyone call him Your Grace".
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone bows their heads and calls him Your Eminence".
As the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the three men give her a subtle, "Well.......?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter who's slim, pretty and tall and has 36D breasts, 22" waist and 36" hips. Every time she walks into a room, all the men say Jesus Christ!!"

 

[northcreek]

View attachment 27221

 

[northcreek]

Got home late last night and the wife left me a message in the kitchen.
View attachment 27355

I guess she wants me to eat more fruit but cut back on the potassium. She's always thinking of my well being.

 

[DucatiSS]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where’s your f*cking Ferrari then?

 

[mikeinDE]

 

[DucatiSS]

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.
“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

 

[willn513]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

 

[willn513]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

 

[willn513]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

 

[Wooluf1952]

Retirees are quick............

Two businessmen in the center of Naples, Florida
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some retiree is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
Had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
“Must be doing well... Only two left."

 

[DucatiSS]

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

 

[mapanch]

Heard this from the old lady that runs the restaurant/golf course in town.
She heard it from her 9 year old great grandson, he heard it at his Catholic school

Did you know that Dairy Queen is pregnant? Burger King gave her the Whopper

___________________________________________________________________________

An old lady goes to the dentist, hikes her dress up and pulls her underwear down. Sits in the chair and spreads her legs.
Dentist looks at her and says "Ma'am, I'm a dentist, not a gynecologist." The old lady looks at the dentist and said, "Yeah I know, I need you to find my husband's teeth"