AManders6
Member
- Jan 24, 2014
- 638
Old joke I told at the end of my toast for my brother's wedding:
How do you turn a fox into and elephant??
Marry it.
How do you turn a fox into and elephant??
Marry it.
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
Bet that went over well. Have you been invited over for any holidays?AManders6 said:
BlazingTrails
Member
- Apr 27, 2014
- 19,409
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Lunch after golf on Wednesday
A group of guys, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the golf course, the waitresses were young, good-looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
A group of guys, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the golf course, the waitresses were young, good-looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
BlazingTrails
Member
- Apr 27, 2014
- 19,409
- A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
- A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
And one for The Roadie
- An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
- A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
And one for The Roadie
- An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Sir ffeJ
Member
- Dec 1, 2011
- 543
Why is a building called a building, when it's already built.
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways.
Why is an apartment called an apartment, when it's really together.
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways.
Why is an apartment called an apartment, when it's really together.
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your boobs, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross." SisterImmaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
FELLAS, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS FABLE. IT REALLY IS NOT A FABLE… IT IS FACT!
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk with “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and started his talk with “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Subject: Lionel trains
[SIZE=13.5pt]What do Lionel trains ....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]and breasts....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]have in common?
They were both originally made for kids,
but dads end up playing with them!
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]What do Lionel trains ....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]and breasts....[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]have in common?
They were both originally made for kids,
but dads end up playing with them!
[/SIZE]
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2
a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking
and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? And who's giving that lecture at
this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking
and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? And who's giving that lecture at
this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the
first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed,
took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to
reading...
A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes
passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his
curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently... Are
you OK?"
I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of
that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Pepper."
first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed,
took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to
reading...
A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes
passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his
curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently... Are
you OK?"
I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of
that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Pepper."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Paula was having a hard time selling her car because it had 250,000 miles on it. She told her friend, so her friend told her about Jay the mechanic that could turn back the mileage for a couple of bucks. A few days later she met that friend and the friend asked her, “well, did you sell the car?” “Are you crazy?” Paula replied. “It only has 50,000 miles on it why would I sell It?!”
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
[SIZE=13.5pt]Did you ever notice:[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'[/SIZE]
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
An admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chef to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chef replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chef shrugs and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
The Chef replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chef shrugs and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
BEDTIME POEMS-- FOR BIG KIDS
JACK & JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between to hunks of bread.
SIMPLE SIMON met a pie man going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man,
"what do you have there?"
said the Pie Man unto Simon
"Pies, you dumb ass !"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings' horses,
And all the Kings' men,
Had scrambled eggs,
for breakfast again.
Hey DIDDLE DIDDLE the cat took a piddle
All over the bed side clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock
Little Johnny:
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each
Friday, she will ask a question of the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't
have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and
again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the
question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 20 Ping-Pong
balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when
the teacher says "Here is this weeks question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor
sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class
starts laughing.
The teacher furiously screams "OKAY, WHO'S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?"
Immediately, little Johnny stats up and yells "BILL COSBY, SEE YA ON TUESDAY"
JACK & JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between to hunks of bread.
SIMPLE SIMON met a pie man going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man,
"what do you have there?"
said the Pie Man unto Simon
"Pies, you dumb ass !"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings' horses,
And all the Kings' men,
Had scrambled eggs,
for breakfast again.
Hey DIDDLE DIDDLE the cat took a piddle
All over the bed side clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock
Little Johnny:
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each
Friday, she will ask a question of the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't
have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and
again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the
question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 20 Ping-Pong
balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when
the teacher says "Here is this weeks question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor
sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class
starts laughing.
The teacher furiously screams "OKAY, WHO'S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?"
Immediately, little Johnny stats up and yells "BILL COSBY, SEE YA ON TUESDAY"
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A Mormon was seated next to an
Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was
airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought
and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
Like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had
a choice."
"I love the
Irish"
Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was
airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought
and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
Like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had
a choice."
"I love the
Irish"
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Subject: Male vs Female Logic
Hard to argue with logic ...
Flawless Male Logic as its best :
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$3
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 30 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $270.
In one year, it would be approximately $3,240 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at $97,200 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
Hard to argue with logic ...
Flawless Male Logic as its best :
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$3
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 30 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $270.
In one year, it would be approximately $3,240 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at $97,200 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
Denali n DOO
Member
- May 22, 2012
- 5,596
[SIZE=22pt]True Friendship[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=22pt]Among Golfing Buddies[/SIZE]
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and [SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid bastard?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
[SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE]
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and [SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid bastard?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
[SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE]
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory Mcllroy drives
his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An
attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who
the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ya."
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his
pocket.
"What are those things, laddie?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I
drive," replies Rory.
"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims
the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes
think of everything.
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory Mcllroy drives
his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An
attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who
the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ya."
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his
pocket.
"What are those things, laddie?" asks the
attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I
drive," replies Rory.
"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims
the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes
think of everything.
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
High Urinals
[SIZE=14pt]A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]mostly to see the horses. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach th[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]e [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]to direct the flow away from their clothes. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]but I appreciate your help. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]mostly to see the horses. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach th[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]e [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]to direct the flow away from their clothes. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]but I appreciate your help. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Hunting geese:
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He
leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over,
it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed,
he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you
are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.
And because all you have is Obamacare,
She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He
leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over,
it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed,
he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you
are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.
And because all you have is Obamacare,
She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig?
A: A porkchop.
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and drumsticks?
A: Fishsticks.
A: A porkchop.
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and drumsticks?
A: Fishsticks.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing
A: Nothing
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A guy texts his neighbor.................
"I'm sorry.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around,
probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again. "
The man, feeling outrage and betrayed,
grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.
Minutes later the guy gets a second text:
"I really should use spell check!
That should be "wifi"... Sorry!"
"I'm sorry.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around,
probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again. "
The man, feeling outrage and betrayed,
grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.
Minutes later the guy gets a second text:
"I really should use spell check!
That should be "wifi"... Sorry!"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
It stalks the countryside,
with ears that cannot hear.
What is it?
with ears that cannot hear.
What is it?
Corn
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Estate Planning
A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night."
My daughter walked into the living room and said: "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to Salvation Army.
Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."
"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?"
The father replied: "Well, she didn't actually put it quite like that...”
What she said was,: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's 2016 election campaign."
A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night."
My daughter walked into the living room and said: "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to Salvation Army.
Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."
"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?"
The father replied: "Well, she didn't actually put it quite like that...”
What she said was,: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's 2016 election campaign."
Sib
Member
- Sep 6, 2014
- 3,446
This is for the married fellas in the crowd...
1. Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.
2. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out.
3. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
4. Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
5. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
6. Marriage is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
7. Marriage is like a constant struggle to solve a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces keep on changing shapes every minute.
8. Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.
9. Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
10. Marriage is like a sweet romance story until you get to the lame M. Night Shyamalan twist where you realize you've been dead for years.
11. A bad marriage is like a horrible job. You are happy to have one but always look out for other options.
12. Marriage is like a beanbag chair. It's comfortable for a while then bloody difficult to get out of.
1. Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.
2. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out.
3. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
4. Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
5. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
6. Marriage is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
7. Marriage is like a constant struggle to solve a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces keep on changing shapes every minute.
8. Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.
9. Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
10. Marriage is like a sweet romance story until you get to the lame M. Night Shyamalan twist where you realize you've been dead for years.
11. A bad marriage is like a horrible job. You are happy to have one but always look out for other options.
12. Marriage is like a beanbag chair. It's comfortable for a while then bloody difficult to get out of.
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Lady sits down on a train. Man sitting next to her turns to her and says, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it’s going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby’s head. That baby is just ugly.”
The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. “Conductor, this man has insulted me.”
“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the conductor replies. “What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We’ll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.”
The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. “Conductor, this man has insulted me.”
“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the conductor replies. “What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We’ll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.”
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Best Comeback Ever
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female
sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male,
who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one
around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's
car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence
... 'I said: 'Excuse me
sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me
straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.
Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined
$10 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as
"The best come-back line ever."
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female
sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male,
who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one
around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's
car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence
... 'I said: 'Excuse me
sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me
straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.
Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined
$10 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as
"The best come-back line ever."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
THIS IS SO INFORMATIVE.
All drugs have two names, a
trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is
Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is
also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called
Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a
generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by
a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today
that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will
be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff
one.
Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT &
DO.
Thought for the day: There is
more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.
All drugs have two names, a
trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is
Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is
also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called
Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a
generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by
a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today
that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will
be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff
one.
Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT &
DO.
Thought for the day: There is
more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
[SIZE=24pt]A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot mag and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"[/SIZE]