From an email sent to me:
and down in the Man Cave:
and down in the Man Cave:
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Did you hear about the husband complaining about tripping over his wife's bra in the bathroom? She replied back to him with "I told you the bathroom was booby-trapped."
Seen on a bumper sticker:
Reasons to thank a farmer:
Because without the farmer
you would be hungry,
you would be naked,
and you would be sober.
Reasons to thank a farmer:
Because without the farmer
you would be hungry,
you would be naked,
and you would be sober.
flyboy2610
Member
Just remember: If you don't go to other peoples funerals they won't go to yours.
Shortly before he died Stan Laurel (of Laurel & Hardy) told his nurse "Now, you tell everyone that if anyone cries at my funeral I'll never speak to them again."
Shortly before he died Stan Laurel (of Laurel & Hardy) told his nurse "Now, you tell everyone that if anyone cries at my funeral I'll never speak to them again."
Mooseman
Moderator
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
"No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said, "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said, "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
"No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said, "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said, "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.
flyboy2610
Member
I got one of those calls once. Apu hung up after I told him I had a Mac.
Gary Larson, who wrote The Far Side, sure could nail it at times as he does here:
I bet I’m Faster…
Verunn… Verunnn...
Verunn… Verunnn…
Yeah… You ain’t got NOTHIN’ on this “5.3”...
Verunn… Verunnn...
Verunn… Verunnn…
Yeah… You ain’t got NOTHIN’ on this “5.3”...
OMG This Gurl... is HANGRY!
I Worked 10 HOURS!
All I Want is WINGSTOP…
All I Want is WINGSTOP…
F****NG DRIVE!
*Getting a Little Excessive…*
I’m F****NG STARVING, Squid…
What Did YOU Eat Today?
I ATE NOTHING!, NOTHING!
NOTHING!, NOTHING!
NOTHING!, NOTHING!
Let's Add Some BASS!
...AND... Based upon HER "FOOD KAREN MELT-DOWN" AMMA GET ME ONE-AH DEEZ...!!!
I Worked 10 HOURS!
All I Want is WINGSTOP…
All I Want is WINGSTOP…
F****NG DRIVE!
*Getting a Little Excessive…*
I’m F****NG STARVING, Squid…
What Did YOU Eat Today?
I ATE NOTHING!, NOTHING!
NOTHING!, NOTHING!
NOTHING!, NOTHING!
Let's Add Some BASS!
...AND... Based upon HER "FOOD KAREN MELT-DOWN" AMMA GET ME ONE-AH DEEZ...!!!
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northcreek
Member
Mooseman
Moderator
Husband speaking to wife, "I would like you to have this bracelet my grandmother wore while she was still alive."
Wife looks at the bracelet and asks "why does it say "do not resuscitate"?
Wife looks at the bracelet and asks "why does it say "do not resuscitate"?
I can be a bit slow...,
but how did someone actually get paid for naming this product???
but how did someone actually get paid for naming this product???
flyboy2610
Member
Truth in advertising. It comes right out and says what it is!
Very ingenious, as well. Admit it: you're not likely to forget a name like that!
Mooseman
Moderator
northcreek
Member
flyboy2610
Member
There's always Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment, New Rear End Formula! Just remember, actual results may take up to 36 weeks.
What do you call the place you should NEVER venture inside of on a RFNO? (Regular Friday Night Out)?
The FUBAR & GRILL
Let’s itemize the reasons why in no particular order:
(1) There is never enough Parking.
(2) There is only one TV Set and it’s kept on The Weather Channel.
(3) The ratio of M2F is 10 to 1 in favor of men.
(4) The Dance Floor is the Size of a Ukelele Pick and it’s always Sticky.
(5) The Bar Tender is THE Drunkest Dude in the Joint.
(6) The Waitresses all wear Head Sets and cannot speak a WORD of English.
(7) There is only One Waitress.
(8) The Fire Department shows up right after you’ve ordered your Hamburger & Fries Platter.
(9) There are NO GM or GMC Vehicles anywhere in the Parking Lot.
(10) An Ice Cream Truck always shows up at closing time and blocks the exit.
(11) Your Hamburger & Fries Platter never arrives intact.
(12) Your Hamburger & Fries Platters… Never Arrive.
The FUBAR & GRILL
Let’s itemize the reasons why in no particular order:
(1) There is never enough Parking.
(2) There is only one TV Set and it’s kept on The Weather Channel.
(3) The ratio of M2F is 10 to 1 in favor of men.
(4) The Dance Floor is the Size of a Ukelele Pick and it’s always Sticky.
(5) The Bar Tender is THE Drunkest Dude in the Joint.
(6) The Waitresses all wear Head Sets and cannot speak a WORD of English.
(7) There is only One Waitress.
(8) The Fire Department shows up right after you’ve ordered your Hamburger & Fries Platter.
(9) There are NO GM or GMC Vehicles anywhere in the Parking Lot.
(10) An Ice Cream Truck always shows up at closing time and blocks the exit.
(11) Your Hamburger & Fries Platter never arrives intact.
(12) Your Hamburger & Fries Platters… Never Arrive.
I can't see any of us guy's doing this, but it is funny:
and for the gals this could happen
I better be careful so I don't do this, for I am 700 miles away from home.
and for the gals this could happen
I better be careful so I don't do this, for I am 700 miles away from home.
just in time for Halloween
your engine will love you for it
your engine will love you for it
What do you call a Dog... That can "Do MAGIC"...?
A L-Abra-Ca-Dabra-Dor...
A L-Abra-Ca-Dabra-Dor...
not really a joke or riddle, but what to watch carefully for while you are doing repair, from Oct 2023 Rock Auto monthly news "Mistakes and Blunders". This could be any one of us.
| Repair Mistakes & Blunders |
Several years ago, my daughter's 2007 Ford Crown Victoria's fuel pump failed. She got a replacement pump rather then the complete fuel pump and sender assembly as a cost savings. Everything went smoothly disconnecting and lowering the half-full tank from the car. We removed the pump and sender unit and proceeded to remove the bad pump from the assembly. Due to the difficulty of removing the mounting clamp holding the old pump, I decided to remove the sender assembly with its arm and float from the unit to prevent bending it. Once the new pump was in place, I reinstalled the sender assembly, and we buttoned the tank up and reinstalled it to the car. We were both feeling good about the job after getting the car back on the ground and reconnecting the battery. The car started right up and ran great. About three days later, my daughter asked me if I had gassed the car up for her because she noticed the tank was near full, and it had been at half when we changed the pump. The next day, she called to let me know the car would not start. She quickly figured out my error, put gas in the car, and it started right up. I had installed the sender assembly (the electronics are with the float) upside down! Since the tank was half empty, when we did the job the fuel gauge was where I had expected it to be. When we get a chance, we will fix it, but for now she drives her car with the gauge reading empty on a full tank. RockAuto March Newsletter | Early EditionRockAuto ships auto parts and body parts from over 300 manufacturers to customers doors worldwide, all at warehouse prices. Easy to use parts catalog.
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