Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Mooseman
Moderator
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
www.rd.com
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
The 51 Funniest Things That Ever Happened at the Doctor’s Office
Hilarious true stories, jokes, and more from real doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Side effects include laughing your butt off.
www.rd.com
She can see clearly now, the urge is gone
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied,
“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct her eyesight.”
The 51 Funniest Things That Ever Happened at the Doctor’s Office
Hilarious true stories, jokes, and more from real doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Side effects include laughing your butt off.
www.rd.com
A nurse’s most awkward moment
After discussing a patient, the doctor ended his conversation by telling me, “I love you.” Following an awkward pause, he said, “I’m sorry, you were telling me what to do, so it made me think I was speaking with my wife.”
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The test where you definitely don’t want to be positive
Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …
Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?
Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results.
===============================================
Lumberjack wounds
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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DocTube?
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was a complete basket case—sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”
The 51 Funniest Things That Ever Happened at the Doctor’s Office
Hilarious true stories, jokes, and more from real doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Side effects include laughing your butt off.
www.rd.com
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap .
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket. "
"For reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ."
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket. "
"For reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ."
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
The weight challenge...
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H O P E on Instagram
H O P E shared a post on Instagram. Follow their account to see 1482 posts.
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Mooseman
Moderator
flyboy2610
Member
There was a gynecologist who was getting burned out on his job, so he decided to switch careers. He had always enjoyed working on cars, so he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He took the auto mechanics course at his local community college, and for his final exam he had to rebuild an engine and get it running. He did so, and was surprised to find that his instructor had given him a grade of 125%! He asked the instructor about this, and the instructor told him "I gave you a grade of 100% because you did everything correctly, and I gave you an extra 25% because you're the only person I've ever had in my class who rebuilt the engine by working through the exhaust pipe!"
He took the auto mechanics course at his local community college, and for his final exam he had to rebuild an engine and get it running. He did so, and was surprised to find that his instructor had given him a grade of 125%! He asked the instructor about this, and the instructor told him "I gave you a grade of 100% because you did everything correctly, and I gave you an extra 25% because you're the only person I've ever had in my class who rebuilt the engine by working through the exhaust pipe!"
flyboy2610
Member
flyboy2610
Member
Sven and Ole met each other on a downtown sidewalk one morning.
"Ole! Haven't seen you in a while. How 'bout ve go bowling Tursday morning?"
"Oh, I can't, Sven. I haff to go to court."
"You haff to go to court, Ole? Vut happened?"
"Vell, Sven, a couple uff veeks ago I vuss leafing for verk and Lena asked me to drop my pants at da dry cleaners. My case comes up Tursday morning."
"Ole! Haven't seen you in a while. How 'bout ve go bowling Tursday morning?"
"Oh, I can't, Sven. I haff to go to court."
"You haff to go to court, Ole? Vut happened?"
"Vell, Sven, a couple uff veeks ago I vuss leafing for verk and Lena asked me to drop my pants at da dry cleaners. My case comes up Tursday morning."
Now I know who truly came up with auto renew subscriptions!
Little Johnny was seated next to a stranger on a plane...the stranger turned to him and said "Let's talk..." "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and asked the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," answered the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
"That could be an interesting topic," replied Johnny, "But let me ask you a question first..." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass." "Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass." "Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then," said little Johnny..."How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power ... "When you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and asked the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," answered the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"
"That could be an interesting topic," replied Johnny, "But let me ask you a question first..." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass." "Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass." "Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then," said little Johnny..."How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power ... "When you don't know shit?"
The difference between humans and animals?
Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.
Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.
For any folks with kids, this is a great idea:
I know that because I live in Florida, I never have to be concerned with what happens "Up North" Weather-Wise, pending the behavior of Punxatawney Phil on "Ground Hog Day"... But after looking at THIS photo ... I have a Theory:
If this Edible Rodent 'Phil' saw THESE 'Food Giants' Knocking on the Front Door of his Hideaway Hut in Tree Stump... NO WONDER he would NOT come out...!!!
Welcome to Six More Weeks of Winter, Folks... You can Blame it on THEM!
"In a Nuclear War... Follow The Fat Guy... HE Knows where the Food's at...!"
Credit: Associated Press via Screen Print from "The Late Show" with Stephen Colbert
If this Edible Rodent 'Phil' saw THESE 'Food Giants' Knocking on the Front Door of his Hideaway Hut in Tree Stump... NO WONDER he would NOT come out...!!!
Welcome to Six More Weeks of Winter, Folks... You can Blame it on THEM!
"In a Nuclear War... Follow The Fat Guy... HE Knows where the Food's at...!"
Credit: Associated Press via Screen Print from "The Late Show" with Stephen Colbert
Mooseman
Moderator
Hey, it's better than this:
globalnews.ca
Quebec’s Fred la Marmotte dies before Groundhog Day prediction: ‘He had no vital signs’ | Globalnews.ca
Quebec's furry forecaster, Fred la Marmotte died during hibernation before he was able to deliver his Feb. 2, 2023 prediction for Groundhog Day.
globalnews.ca
cornchip
Member
- Jan 6, 2013
- 638
Hey, it's better than this:
Quebec’s Fred la Marmotte dies before Groundhog Day prediction: ‘He had no vital signs’ | Globalnews.ca
Quebec's furry forecaster, Fred la Marmotte died during hibernation before he was able to deliver his Feb. 2, 2023 prediction for Groundhog Day.
It's a common thing with ground hog's. We have Wiarton Wille. I think twice he was found dead before the big day.
Wiarton Willie - Wikipedia
flyboy2610
Member
It doesn't matter what the rodent says. Winter will last another 6 weeks. It doesn't end until Monday, March 20, 2023.
I guess once just ain't enough.
from Rock Auto's monthly news letter:
| Repair Mistakes & Blunders |
I had just re-installed a freshly rebuilt instrument cluster in my 1970 Plymouth Road Runner along with an oil change and other routine maintenance. I took it for a test drive, and all of a sudden the oil pressure warning light started flashing as I turned a corner. As I straightened the car out, the blinking oil light stopped. During the next turn it had the same issue. It only happened on left turns. I was freaking out that maybe I forgot to put in enough oil so gingerly limped the Road Runner home. As I pulled into my driveway (with the oil light flashing), I noticed the left turn signal bulb on the dash was not working. I did my dashboard yoga, and I found I had plugged the left turn signal bulb into the oil pressure warning light and the oil pressure switch wiring into the turn signal. I was relieved and embarrassed all at the same time. RockAuto December Newsletter | Early EditionRockAuto ships auto parts and body parts from over 300 manufacturers to customers doors worldwide, all at warehouse prices. Easy to use parts catalog.
|
It was Easter Sunday when this typical 1950's Housewife opened up her Refrigerator Door and found to her very great surprise of all things... a Tiny, White Bunny Rabbit....
The Woman laughed aloud and then after composing herself, she knelt down and addressed the Animal by asking it:
"Well, My Goodness....What on EARTH are YOU doing in HERE?"
The Lil' Bunny Twitched its Tiny Pink Nose and then replied with her own Question:
"Isn't THIS Wefrigewator a ...
... ?"
The surprised Woman blurted out, "Why YES!! IT IS!!!"
The Bunny replied with her Very Small Voice****:
"Well... I'm... just...
."
**** Think ...Howie Mandel's "Bobby" Voice...
The Woman laughed aloud and then after composing herself, she knelt down and addressed the Animal by asking it:
"Well, My Goodness....What on EARTH are YOU doing in HERE?"
The Lil' Bunny Twitched its Tiny Pink Nose and then replied with her own Question:
"Isn't THIS Wefrigewator a ...
... ?"The surprised Woman blurted out, "Why YES!! IT IS!!!"
The Bunny replied with her Very Small Voice****:
"Well... I'm... just...
."**** Think ...Howie Mandel's "Bobby" Voice...
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