Jokes and Riddles

Mooseman

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Dec 4, 2011
25,178
Ottawa, ON
Nose ring.jpg
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”


Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.


“What’s going on here?!” he demands.


“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.

 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451

She can see clearly now, the urge is gone​


Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesperson replied,
“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct her eyesight.”

 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451

A nurse’s most awkward moment​


After discussing a patient, the doctor ended his conversation by telling me, “I love you.” Following an awkward pause, he said, “I’m sorry, you were telling me what to do, so it made me think I was speaking with my wife.”
--------------------------------------------

The test where you definitely don’t want to be positive​


Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …


Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?


Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results.
===============================================

Lumberjack wounds​


Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?


Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
==================================================

DocTube?​


When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was a complete basket case—sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.


“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”

 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap .
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket. "
"For reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ."
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
 

Mooseman

Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
25,178
Ottawa, ON
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TollKeeper

Supporting Donor
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Dec 3, 2011
8,028
Brighton, CO
Whats the safe word for 2 people that are deaf?


......
 

flyboy2610

Member
Aug 24, 2021
456
Lincoln, Ne.
There was a gynecologist who was getting burned out on his job, so he decided to switch careers. He had always enjoyed working on cars, so he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He took the auto mechanics course at his local community college, and for his final exam he had to rebuild an engine and get it running. He did so, and was surprised to find that his instructor had given him a grade of 125%! He asked the instructor about this, and the instructor told him "I gave you a grade of 100% because you did everything correctly, and I gave you an extra 25% because you're the only person I've ever had in my class who rebuilt the engine by working through the exhaust pipe!"
 

flyboy2610

Member
Aug 24, 2021
456
Lincoln, Ne.
Sven and Ole met each other on a downtown sidewalk one morning.
"Ole! Haven't seen you in a while. How 'bout ve go bowling Tursday morning?"
"Oh, I can't, Sven. I haff to go to court."
"You haff to go to court, Ole? Vut happened?"
"Vell, Sven, a couple uff veeks ago I vuss leafing for verk and Lena asked me to drop my pants at da dry cleaners. My case comes up Tursday morning."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451
Little Johnny was seated next to a stranger on a plane...the stranger turned to him and said "Let's talk..." "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and asked the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"


"Oh, I don't know," answered the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"That could be an interesting topic," replied Johnny, "But let me ask you a question first..." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass." "Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass." "Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then," said little Johnny..."How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power ... "When you don't know shit?"
 

mrrsm

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Oct 22, 2015
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I know that because I live in Florida, I never have to be concerned with what happens "Up North" Weather-Wise, pending the behavior of Punxatawney Phil on "Ground Hog Day"... But after looking at THIS photo ... I have a Theory:

If this Edible Rodent 'Phil' saw THESE 'Food Giants' Knocking on the Front Door of his Hideaway Hut in Tree Stump... NO WONDER he would NOT come out...!!!
GROUNDHOGDAYFOODGIANTS.jpg

Welcome to Six More Weeks of Winter, Folks... You can Blame it on THEM!



"In a Nuclear War... Follow The Fat Guy... HE Knows where the Food's at...!"


Credit: Associated Press via Screen Print from "The Late Show" with Stephen Colbert
 
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Mooseman

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Dec 4, 2011
25,178
Ottawa, ON
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cornchip

Member
Jan 6, 2013
637
Hey, it's better than this:


It's a common thing with ground hog's. We have Wiarton Wille. I think twice he was found dead before the big day.


 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,451
from Rock Auto's monthly news letter:


Repair Mistakes & Blunders
Repair Mistakes & Blunders


I had just re-installed a freshly rebuilt instrument cluster in my 1970 Plymouth Road Runner along with an oil change and other routine maintenance. I took it for a test drive, and all of a sudden the oil pressure warning light started flashing as I turned a corner. As I straightened the car out, the blinking oil light stopped. During the next turn it had the same issue. It only happened on left turns. I was freaking out that maybe I forgot to put in enough oil so gingerly limped the Road Runner home.
As I pulled into my driveway (with the oil light flashing), I noticed the left turn signal bulb on the dash was not working. I did my dashboard yoga, and I found I had plugged the left turn signal bulb into the oil pressure warning light and the oil pressure switch wiring into the turn signal. I was relieved and embarrassed all at the same time.

 

TollKeeper

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Dec 3, 2011
8,028
Brighton, CO
Sounds like my wife too!
 
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mrrsm

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Oct 22, 2015
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Tampa Bay Area
How will the Chat-GPT be able to tell the difference between...say... A Dog...and A Tree...?






By their *Bark*
 
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mrrsm

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Oct 22, 2015
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Tampa Bay Area
It was Easter Sunday when this typical 1950's Housewife opened up her Refrigerator Door and found to her very great surprise of all things... a Tiny, White Bunny Rabbit....

The Woman laughed aloud and then after composing herself, she knelt down and addressed the Animal by asking it:

"Well, My Goodness....What on EARTH are YOU doing in HERE?"

The Lil' Bunny Twitched its Tiny Pink Nose and then replied with her own Question:

"Isn't THIS Wefrigewator a ... WESTINGHOUSE1.jpg... ?"

The surprised Woman blurted out, "Why YES!! IT IS!!!"

The Bunny replied with her Very Small Voice****:
"Well... I'm... just...
WESTINGHOUSE2.jpg ."

**** Think ...Howie Mandel's "Bobby" Voice...

 
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