Jokes and Riddles

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
A married man went into the confessional and said to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" Well, the man said, "we got undressed, climbed into bed, and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
To which the priest replied "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again." "For you penance, say five Hail Mary's, and put $50 in the poor box." The man left the confessional, said his Hail Mary's, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment, and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, ...that's the same as putting it in!"
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in the Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby." St. Peter responded quite mater-of-factly, "Here we are interested in results." "When you preached, people slept,"...."When the cabby drove people prayed."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
A man on a flight to Chicago suddenly found himself having an urgent need to use the restroom. He headed over to the men's room, nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. A stewardess noticed his predicament and told him "I'll let you use the ladies' room on one condition - don't touch the buttons on the wall!"
The man breathed a sigh of relief while sitting on the toilet, and his attention drifted to the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pushed the button "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought "Wow, this is strangely pleasant, woman really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button WA and a gently breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. "This is amazing" he thought, "Men's rooms have nothing like this!" He then pushed the button marked "PP" which yielded a large powder puff that delicately applied a soft talc powder to his rear. Well naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR", and then everything went black. When he woke up in hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies room on a plane."
The nurse replied, " Yes I'm sure you were have a great time
until you pressed the "ATR" button. Which stands for "automatic tampon remover."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Some Polish farmers decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die also. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agricultural bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation. While walking downtown window shopping, they see a sign on a store front which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, lookee there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune." "Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us." "Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3." "I'll back up my pickup and..."
"The owner of the shop interrupts, "You all are from Georgia, aren't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
 

mrrsm

Lifetime VIP Donor
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Oct 22, 2015
7,851
Tampa Bay Area
Among 40 others in the neighborhood, I saw this Home Wireless Network Name pop up on my strong wireless router-switch today:

TellMy_WIFI_LoveHer

Try not to Laugh... I Dare Ya'
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
How can you tell the age demographic of this forum?

Mostly by the age of the jokes, I suspect...

:tongue:

Yep, I'm showing my age :duh:



1637608812768.gif

meathead would agree also, I'm sure :poke:
 

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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Let me help you get more vegetables in today's Thanksgiving meal.
Since vegetables are a must in any balanced diet may I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, along with some pumpkin pie. Heck, take two servings of each.
 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.”
—Jimmy Fallon
 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
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“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
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“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
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“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
---------------------------------------------------

“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.”
Adam Sandler

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“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” —Reba McEntire

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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honor, I persuaded seventeen people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people?"" That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable" said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" He asked the second boy.
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles and said,
pointing to the small circle, I said, "this is your butthole before prison."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't".
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Glad this isn't at my house:

2199480.gif
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
A beauty pageant was underway, when the police were called by the lady organizing the event. She ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle. "Please come quickly," she said in horror, "we've found a peep-hole drilled into the changing room." "Some pervert has been watching us!"
"Don't worry, " the policeman said reassuringly, "We'll track down the suspect right away." "Please tell all the beauty contestants to go back to their routines. There's nothing to worry about anymore."
The lady smiled, relieved. Then she asked, "And what about the hole in the wall?"
"Rest assured," the other police officer said,..."We'll be looking into it."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector, called him and said,
"Pierre, I have some good news and some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; lets here the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $ 15-20 million." "And I think she could be right."

Pierre replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day." "Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied "the pictures are of you and your secretary."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
from the local newspaper:

A Grazing Mace
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanics lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
seen on a church bulletin board:

"A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music to follow."

"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. The may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."

"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" A little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. FiFi is in heat," replied the mother.
"What does that mean? asked the child.
Embarrassed and not wanting to get into the biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take FiFi for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said that FiFi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you."
Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "bring FiFi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep FiFi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog. "Where is FiFi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
An elderly couple recently moved back south to Tennessee from Indiana. The husband had a wooden leg and to get insurance on it back in Indiana it would cost $2000 per year. When they arrived in Tennessee they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up computer and said $39. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Tennessee to insure it because it cost $2000 in Indiana! The insurance agent, who also happened to be the town's volunteer fire chief, turned his computer screen to the couple and said "Well, here it is on the screen, it says "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it is $39." You just have to know how to describe it!
 

mrrsm

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Oct 22, 2015
7,851
Tampa Bay Area
For the GMTN “Space Buffs” out there among us… You’ll appreciate this situation as a “Funny”:

In January of 1963, a young M.I.T. Student had the work he prepared for his Doctoral Thesis published under the Title:

Line-Of-Sight Guidance Techniques for Manned Orbital Rendezvous”

This is what he wrote for his Dedication Page:

ORBITALRENDESVOUS.jpg
That fellow was none other than Mr. Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr…. AKA “Buzz” Aldrin, the Second Man to Walk on the Moon after stepping off of the ladder of the Apollo Lunar Excursion Module on July 20th, 1969. Little did he know that one day, he would take this photograph of his own foot print on the surface of The Moon:

BUZZALDRINFOOTPRINT.jpg

The other funny thing about this was that while Neil Armstrong was basking in all of the glory as being “The First Man to Walk on The Moon”… the only person present besides Armstrong and Michael Collins during this brief trip to and from the Moon through the Blackness and Void of Outer Space capable of Manually Steering their Spacecraft safely back home to the Earth if anything went wrong…

Literally “Wrote The Book” on How to Do It!

If you are curious to read this arcane 331 page intellectual scientific treatise on Orbital Mechanics, you can download a PDF Photocopy of the Original ...right from the Archives at M.I.T.

https://dspace.mit.edu/handle/1721.1/12652

So Buzz Aldrin is one of those Rare Dudes that the expression,

HEY BUDDY… IT AIN’T ROCKET SCIENCE ...”

...can NEVER be applied. :>)
 
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Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
In the local news it was reported a beer truck had caught on fire in another state.

explain this sentence to me:
The Kenner Fire Department arrived on the scene before extinguishing the blaze.

'cause I just have to ask, is there a new way to put out fires without the fire dept. responding???:Banghead:

 

Mooseman

Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
25,487
Ottawa, ON
No big loss. It was just Budweiser. :laugh:
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
I'm glad I usually put all my tools away when the project is done :lightbulb:


1640287430645.png
I just might have to give this a try with the mrs. sewing & quilting tools. :2thumbsup:
 
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flyboy2610

Member
Aug 24, 2021
475
Lincoln, Ne.
In the local news it was reported a beer truck had caught on fire in another state.

explain this sentence to me:
The Kenner Fire Department arrived on the scene before extinguishing the blaze.

'cause I just have to ask, is there a new way to put out fires without the fire dept. responding???:Banghead:


No big loss. It was just Budweiser. :laugh:

It was a typo, was suppose to read:
The Kenner Fire Department arrived on the scene, and drank several of the beers before extinguishing the blaze.
Maybe they should have just called the Ledbetter's!
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous Sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why?? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the Windows?


ABBOTT: Wall paper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”.............
 

Redbeard

Member
Jan 26, 2013
3,512
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season ," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle." he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He jingled them and said "They're bells." Saint Peter nodded, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of skimpy panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what exactly do those symbolize?" The man grinned. "These are Carols."
 

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