Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
The employee was calling in sick more than he was at work.
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call the worker into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your mother to the doctor.”
“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed the employee, “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?”
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call the worker into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your mother to the doctor.”
“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed the employee, “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?”
My husband asked me to dress up as a nurse tonight so he could fantasize …
… that we can afford Obamacare.
… that we can afford Obamacare.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda?
A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister. “I preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says. “Maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister. “I preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says. “Maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
I saw a security guard the other day sleeping at 2 p.m., like a baby... I haven't slept like a baby in 10 years because I'm up thinking about stuff -- like goals. This guy had the right attitude: 'I've failed. Oh well. Night-night.'
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice.
Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”
Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.
When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage the husband said, “We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.
The wife added, ‘He goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage the husband said, “We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.
The wife added, ‘He goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
A male driver is pulled over by a policeman. As the officer approaches the car, the man tells his wife, “Let me handle this.”
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
He gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
He gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Officer: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
He gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
He gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Officer: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Roman Collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing this?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
Taliban gets schooled
In Leatherneck math
A large group of Taliban insurgents are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Taliban.”
The Taliban commander quickly sends ten of his best jihadis over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for several tense minutes. Then silence.
The voice then calls out again: “One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban fighters.”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out once more: “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban.”
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand men and sends them screaming “Allahu akbar” as they cross over the dune. Cannon, rocket, mortar, grenade and machine-gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then total silence.
Finally, one critically wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune, and with his dying words tell his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There are two Marines!”
In Leatherneck math
A large group of Taliban insurgents are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Taliban.”
The Taliban commander quickly sends ten of his best jihadis over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for several tense minutes. Then silence.
The voice then calls out again: “One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban fighters.”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out once more: “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban.”
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand men and sends them screaming “Allahu akbar” as they cross over the dune. Cannon, rocket, mortar, grenade and machine-gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then total silence.
Finally, one critically wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune, and with his dying words tell his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There are two Marines!”
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”
“Nah,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ’em.”
“Nah,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
“Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got ’em.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring.
When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98 and his wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98 and his wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It'sroughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So,the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Whatis your decision?" asks the doctor.
"Were getting granite counter tops.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It'sroughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So,the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Whatis your decision?" asks the doctor.
"Were getting granite counter tops.
Shop 'til
He drops
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed her husband had gone missing so she called him on the cellphone.
The wife said, “Where are you? I’m looking all over for you and we still have lots to do.”
He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Her eyes filled with tears and she got all choked up.
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she smiled.
“Well, I’m in the back of the gun shop next door to that.”
He drops
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed her husband had gone missing so she called him on the cellphone.
The wife said, “Where are you? I’m looking all over for you and we still have lots to do.”
He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Her eyes filled with tears and she got all choked up.
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she smiled.
“Well, I’m in the back of the gun shop next door to that.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does he taste funny to you?"
A defendant isn't happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
JUDGE: "Where do you work?" DEFENDANT: "Here and there." JUDGE: "What do you do for a living?" DEFENDANT: "This and that." JUDGE: "Take him to jail!" DEFENDANT: "Wait; when will I get out?" JUDGE: "Sooner or later."
JUDGE: "Where do you work?" DEFENDANT: "Here and there." JUDGE: "What do you do for a living?" DEFENDANT: "This and that." JUDGE: "Take him to jail!" DEFENDANT: "Wait; when will I get out?" JUDGE: "Sooner or later."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Doctor: You’re overweight.
Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re also ugly.
Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re also ugly.
An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.”
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old”, says the old Texas boy. “In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the bar for a while and had some beers. That’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas farmer. And he’s a hunter and fisherman, too.”
“Well”, the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?”
“He’s 118 years old”, says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?”
“No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, “Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.”
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old”, says the old Texas boy. “In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the bar for a while and had some beers. That’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas farmer. And he’s a hunter and fisherman, too.”
“Well”, the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?”
“He’s 118 years old”, says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?”
“No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, “Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
Church Money
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
Let There Be Light
In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...
At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.
"What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Actually there are three: Bud, Coors and Miller!"
In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...
At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.
"What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Actually there are three: Bud, Coors and Miller!"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
After 30 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”
“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.
I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
Mooseman
Moderator
Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor.... and to the men who will enjoy reading.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor.... and to the men who will enjoy reading.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
Mooseman
Moderator
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
It's a joke...
And today's joke---
A nun gets in a cab and after going a few blocks, notices the handsome, young driver staring at her through the mirror. She asks if there's a problem or if he needs something and the cabbie says, "I have a question but don't want to shock you." Sister replies, "Young man, when you've been a nun in a New York parish as long as I have, few things if any, shock or offend you. Ask your question." The driver says he has always fantasized about kissing a nun and would she allow him to. After thinking a minute the nun says, "Under two conditions: You must be single and a Catholic." After he swears he is both, she tells him to pull over on the first empty street he sees and when he does, the nun gives him a deep, passionate kiss that would make a hooker blush. They drive off and noticing the driver crying, she asks him what's wrong. He says, "I'm so ashamed of myself for lying to a nun! I'm married and Jewish." After a minute of silence, the answer from the back seat is, "My name is Jake and I'm going to a Halloween party."
And today's joke---
A nun gets in a cab and after going a few blocks, notices the handsome, young driver staring at her through the mirror. She asks if there's a problem or if he needs something and the cabbie says, "I have a question but don't want to shock you." Sister replies, "Young man, when you've been a nun in a New York parish as long as I have, few things if any, shock or offend you. Ask your question." The driver says he has always fantasized about kissing a nun and would she allow him to. After thinking a minute the nun says, "Under two conditions: You must be single and a Catholic." After he swears he is both, she tells him to pull over on the first empty street he sees and when he does, the nun gives him a deep, passionate kiss that would make a hooker blush. They drive off and noticing the driver crying, she asks him what's wrong. He says, "I'm so ashamed of myself for lying to a nun! I'm married and Jewish." After a minute of silence, the answer from the back seat is, "My name is Jake and I'm going to a Halloween party."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
Frostbite!
Jake, an inventor, is struggling through a bus station with two huge and heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up and asks, “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases. “It’s 5:45.”
“That’s a nice watch!” notes the stranger.
“Yeah, check this out, time-zone display for every time zone in the world and the 86 largest metropolises.” He hits a few buttons and a voice says, “The time is 11 ’till six.”
“That’s not all” Jake proudly says.
He pushes another button and a map of New York City appears on a screen. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,”
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet” says the inventor. “But check this, it’s got an FM-radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 300 feet and, most-impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.”
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“It’s really not ready …”
“I’ll give you $1,000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than …”
“I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”
“But it’s just not …”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it – take it or leave it.” The stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says and peels off the watch, making the exchange. The stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
“Don’t forget your batteries.”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases. “It’s 5:45.”
“That’s a nice watch!” notes the stranger.
“Yeah, check this out, time-zone display for every time zone in the world and the 86 largest metropolises.” He hits a few buttons and a voice says, “The time is 11 ’till six.”
“That’s not all” Jake proudly says.
He pushes another button and a map of New York City appears on a screen. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,”
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet” says the inventor. “But check this, it’s got an FM-radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 300 feet and, most-impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.”
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“It’s really not ready …”
“I’ll give you $1,000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than …”
“I’ll give you $5,000 for it!”
“But it’s just not …”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it – take it or leave it.” The stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says and peels off the watch, making the exchange. The stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
“Don’t forget your batteries.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What do prisoners use to call each other?
CELL PHONES!!!!!!!!!!!
CELL PHONES!!!!!!!!!!!
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??