northcreek
Member
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
northcreek
Member
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30 ?'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30 ?'
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Will I live to see 80? (Here's something to think about.)
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing
fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hard liquor?'
"Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much ... My former doctor said that all red
meat is very unhealthy!
''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lot of sex?
'No,' I said ..
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing
fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hard liquor?'
"Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much ... My former doctor said that all red
meat is very unhealthy!
''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lot of sex?
'No,' I said ..
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
northcreek
Member
Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
What's everything to someone and nothing to every body else?
Your mind
Your mind
The 8 of us go forth not back, to protect our king from foes attack
Chess Pawns
Chess Pawns
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA."
The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!"
When the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, the blonde shouts . . . "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!"
When the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, the blonde shouts . . . "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?"
The son says, "At school." *Robot slaps son* "Ok, I went to the movies."
Dad says, "Which one? "
The son says, "Toy Story." *Robot slaps son again* "Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star."
"Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." *Robot slaps dad*
Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." *Robot slaps mom*
Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?"
The son says, "At school." *Robot slaps son* "Ok, I went to the movies."
Dad says, "Which one? "
The son says, "Toy Story." *Robot slaps son again* "Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star."
"Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." *Robot slaps dad*
Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." *Robot slaps mom*
Oral: if it doesn't sound like a demon is being exorcized from her body, she's doing it wrong
BlazingTrails
Member
- Apr 27, 2014
- 19,409
• A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs, The guy ask "Do they swell?" The girl replies "No they spread"
• A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
• A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.
As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."
"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."
As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."
"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."
An old man is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
mcsteven
Member
- Apr 18, 2012
- 6,584
Went to a hypnotist show last night. The guy brings seven men on stage and puts them under. He accidentally drops the microphone on his foot and yells, "fuck me."
What happens next will hot me for the rest of my life.
What happens next will hot me for the rest of my life.
BlazingTrails
Member
- Apr 27, 2014
- 19,409
Why is Peter Pan always flying? ?
Because he "neverlands"
Because he "neverlands"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be ...
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Alabama stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be ...
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Alabama stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What do you call the blonde corpse in the closet?
2012 Hide n Seek Champion
2012 Hide n Seek Champion
BlazingTrails
Member
- Apr 27, 2014
- 19,409
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!
31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!
36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!
37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!
31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!
36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!
37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Riddle me this...(rumored to be a fav of Teddy Roosevelt)
I talk, but I do not speak my mind
I hear words, but I do not listen to thoughts
When I wake, all see me
When I sleep, all hear me
Many heads are on my shoulders
Many hands are at my feet
The strongest steel cannot break my visage
But the softest whisper can destroy me
The quietest whimper can be heard.
Who am I?
Answer: An actor
I talk, but I do not speak my mind
I hear words, but I do not listen to thoughts
When I wake, all see me
When I sleep, all hear me
Many heads are on my shoulders
Many hands are at my feet
The strongest steel cannot break my visage
But the softest whisper can destroy me
The quietest whimper can be heard.
Who am I?
Answer: An actor
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
The evening after his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Wow! That was wonderful!”
The next day, after dinner, the husband carries the wife to the bedroom again, sits her on the bed and runs quickly to the bathroom. When he comes back, they make love again that gets her head spinning.
Same happens the next day, but this time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
The evening after his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Wow! That was wonderful!”
The next day, after dinner, the husband carries the wife to the bedroom again, sits her on the bed and runs quickly to the bathroom. When he comes back, they make love again that gets her head spinning.
Same happens the next day, but this time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
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HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.
fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Craft Day at the Senior centre
Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all,
OLD FRIENDS!!
This photo was taken in a Senior Centre in Oshawa Ontario
The course was "How to Prevent Alzheimer's."
The Project of the Day was,"To keep your mind working,
try to create something from memory."
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!
Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all,
OLD FRIENDS!!
This photo was taken in a Senior Centre in Oshawa Ontario
The course was "How to Prevent Alzheimer's."
The Project of the Day was,"To keep your mind working,
try to create something from memory."
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!
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fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
Not politically correct and VERY sexist..... BUT funny : )
A little over-70 cowboy humor!
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
"You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen"
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are over seventy. . . who gives a shit?
************
Cowboy:"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.
"Cashier:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'.....
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come <>on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday.
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said,"Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
A little over-70 cowboy humor!
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
"You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen"
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are over seventy. . . who gives a shit?
************
Cowboy:"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.
"Cashier:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'.....
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come <>on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday.
"When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said,"Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
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fletch09
Member
- Nov 20, 2011
- 1,982
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, and the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, and the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."