HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
The professor of the college course on wills and trusts posed this question to the students: “Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?”
After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.
“This may be a bit off topic,” he said, “but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would stuff me into the washing machine.”
After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.
“This may be a bit off topic,” he said, “but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would stuff me into the washing machine.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
A Texas cop stopped an elderly woman for speeding.
He asked for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.
He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry all those weapons.
She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a darn thing!”
He asked for her driver’s license and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.
He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry all those weapons.
She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a darn thing!”
Two Gay Men were sitting on a divan in the corner of a dimly lit foyer of a Grand Hotel... Making too much of an effort to conceal their interests in one another... when the one sitting nearest the Balustrade of the Enormous Spiralling Staircase looked upwards. There... He saw a Woman of such Exquisite, Breath-Taking and Incandescent Beauty; literally gliding down the staircase. He looked both transfixed... and dumbfounded at her as she took each descending step in such a manner as to cause her Voluptuous Bosom and Long and Luxurious Black Tresses to undulate in a rhythm that was like watching cascading waves pounding against the rocks that were the huge front cups of her Low Cut Gown.
With her proud and pretty head held high... she looked like she had been poured into her dress and was completely self-possessed in those brief moments of her appearance. In time... she made her way down from the edge of the yawning, swept stairway and continued her glide, with her long trailing dress following her obediently from behind... right out through the front doors of the Hotel... looking as though she were a Heaven Sent Apparition from Venus and Aphrodite.
With his mouth agape...the attendant man suddenly realized that his vexed friend was very angry, very surpised ...and apparently, very jealous of the dumb-struck man and exclaimed, “Well...My God...Will you just... LOOK... at ... HER?” in a very haughty tone; as if his partner wasn’t still staring across the foyer with longing on his astonished face. The distracted man replied to his friend by saying...” Well... I...I... I’m very sorry... I really don’t what I can say, but you know ...there are times like these... when I REALLY do wish that I was a Lesbian!”
With her proud and pretty head held high... she looked like she had been poured into her dress and was completely self-possessed in those brief moments of her appearance. In time... she made her way down from the edge of the yawning, swept stairway and continued her glide, with her long trailing dress following her obediently from behind... right out through the front doors of the Hotel... looking as though she were a Heaven Sent Apparition from Venus and Aphrodite.
With his mouth agape...the attendant man suddenly realized that his vexed friend was very angry, very surpised ...and apparently, very jealous of the dumb-struck man and exclaimed, “Well...My God...Will you just... LOOK... at ... HER?” in a very haughty tone; as if his partner wasn’t still staring across the foyer with longing on his astonished face. The distracted man replied to his friend by saying...” Well... I...I... I’m very sorry... I really don’t what I can say, but you know ...there are times like these... when I REALLY do wish that I was a Lesbian!”
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HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Because Halloween is fast coming upon us... This story seems very appropriate and worth mentioning because we are indirectly involved in it... right here at GMT Nation:
There is always some Killjoy in every Forum who has neither a pleasant thought, nor a positive idea and never a decent thing to say about anybody nor have any useful contribution to offer. And yet... such a Yo-Yo is never reluctant to inject his Venom and Bile into every single topic he so often invades. Impossible to please... he'd probably complain if you Hung him with a Brand New Rope! Well not just here... but in another forum at another time the story unfolded...
It was a Dark and Stormy Night... when I was busy "Inventing" one thing or another and sharing the experience and images on the Forum. And regardless of whether these things worked or not... very early on, I tended to name the Projects after The "Frankenstein" Monster... In Honour of the original Author, Mary Shelley... and the Actor, Boris Karloff for his amazing portrayal of a Thing Cobbled and Sewn Together from the Parts and Pieces of Dead Men... And of course...for the Great Director... Mr. Carl Lemmle for giving us an Iconic Horror Movie to Last Through the Ages. Even as I worked away in the Dim Light of my Garage... Hidden Forces were gathering in the Darkness...
In any case... I was busy working away at the First Generation "Franken-Oiler Machine" and then... I decided to re-direct my efforts for the sake of the coming Christmas... and for Marital Bliss and to satisfy my Wife's desire for a long and useful Utility Table out on the Screened Porch so she would have a decent place for her "Flowers and Girly Stuff". But when I announced that I was requisitioning my own Angle Iron Supplies away from the business at hand with the Pre-Oiler to Invent and Build for her... "The Franken-Table" ... Well My God... You would have thought I had threatened Creation itself by Blaspheming and once again announcing yet another Invention that would bear the Name of "Franken"...
This Yo-Yo's complaint...like all of his others...was to pick the one most inconsequential aspect of this decision I made on the spur of the moment and focus all of his "discomfort" over my using the "Franken" expression with every single thing that I worked on. In summary.. he cried "Foul" after seeing the Finished and Well-Named Table by asking, "What is with all this "Franken" stuff? Why is it even necessary... It's a TABLE... Why not just Build It and Be DONE with it?' Well.. .knowing how this 'man' lives with The Blood of Trolls swimming through his veins...that it was pointless to answer him in words that he would deliberately disregard... And Instead...I decided to use the Very Story of Frankenstein Himself...to make the POINT of it ALL... which he had completely missed:
There is always some Killjoy in every Forum who has neither a pleasant thought, nor a positive idea and never a decent thing to say about anybody nor have any useful contribution to offer. And yet... such a Yo-Yo is never reluctant to inject his Venom and Bile into every single topic he so often invades. Impossible to please... he'd probably complain if you Hung him with a Brand New Rope! Well not just here... but in another forum at another time the story unfolded...
It was a Dark and Stormy Night... when I was busy "Inventing" one thing or another and sharing the experience and images on the Forum. And regardless of whether these things worked or not... very early on, I tended to name the Projects after The "Frankenstein" Monster... In Honour of the original Author, Mary Shelley... and the Actor, Boris Karloff for his amazing portrayal of a Thing Cobbled and Sewn Together from the Parts and Pieces of Dead Men... And of course...for the Great Director... Mr. Carl Lemmle for giving us an Iconic Horror Movie to Last Through the Ages. Even as I worked away in the Dim Light of my Garage... Hidden Forces were gathering in the Darkness...
In any case... I was busy working away at the First Generation "Franken-Oiler Machine" and then... I decided to re-direct my efforts for the sake of the coming Christmas... and for Marital Bliss and to satisfy my Wife's desire for a long and useful Utility Table out on the Screened Porch so she would have a decent place for her "Flowers and Girly Stuff". But when I announced that I was requisitioning my own Angle Iron Supplies away from the business at hand with the Pre-Oiler to Invent and Build for her... "The Franken-Table" ... Well My God... You would have thought I had threatened Creation itself by Blaspheming and once again announcing yet another Invention that would bear the Name of "Franken"...
This Yo-Yo's complaint...like all of his others...was to pick the one most inconsequential aspect of this decision I made on the spur of the moment and focus all of his "discomfort" over my using the "Franken" expression with every single thing that I worked on. In summary.. he cried "Foul" after seeing the Finished and Well-Named Table by asking, "What is with all this "Franken" stuff? Why is it even necessary... It's a TABLE... Why not just Build It and Be DONE with it?' Well.. .knowing how this 'man' lives with The Blood of Trolls swimming through his veins...that it was pointless to answer him in words that he would deliberately disregard... And Instead...I decided to use the Very Story of Frankenstein Himself...to make the POINT of it ALL... which he had completely missed:
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The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”
“And you?”
“I make the big, fundamental decisions.”
“I decide if the United States should declare war on Iran, if Congress should raise taxes, and so on.”
“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”
“And you?”
“I make the big, fundamental decisions.”
“I decide if the United States should declare war on Iran, if Congress should raise taxes, and so on.”
While crossing the U.S.-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by an agent who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?” asked the border agent.
“Sand,” said the cyclist.
“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the agent.
The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the border agent happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
“Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, he said. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling?”
“Bicycles!”
“Sand,” said the cyclist.
“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the agent.
The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the border agent happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
“Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, he said. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling?”
“Bicycles!”
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
northcreek
Member
By Chance ...... What a coincidence!
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence!!!
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence!!!
No deposit
No return
“I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.”
“I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
“Right. That’s the one they’re looking for.”
No return
“I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.”
“I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
“Right. That’s the one they’re looking for.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
In response to the emails concerning my dog:
Please be advised I am sick and tired of being questioned about my dog who chased six people wearing Hillary T-shirts, four Democrats soliciting donations, nine teenagers with their pants hanging down to their knees and those two morons down the block who knocked over Trump’s “Make America Great Again” sign.
For the last time, the dog is NOT for sale!
Please be advised I am sick and tired of being questioned about my dog who chased six people wearing Hillary T-shirts, four Democrats soliciting donations, nine teenagers with their pants hanging down to their knees and those two morons down the block who knocked over Trump’s “Make America Great Again” sign.
For the last time, the dog is NOT for sale!
The guys are all at a deer camp for their annual hunting trip.
No one wants to room with Bob because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is an older cowboy — a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened, why aren’t you exhausted?”
Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night and I slept like a baby.”
No one wants to room with Bob because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you?” He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He says, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is an older cowboy — a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he says. They can’t believe it. They say, “Man, what happened, why aren’t you exhausted?”
Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night and I slept like a baby.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to a woman’s door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Shortly after she gave
him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” she asked.
“No,” he replied, “I’m ‘Rocky II’. I’ll be back three more times.”
him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” she asked.
“No,” he replied, “I’m ‘Rocky II’. I’ll be back three more times.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Woops...
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Why is auto racing better than sex?
You and your car always finish at the same time.
You and your car always finish at the same time.
Mooseman
Moderator
His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “'Let's go”'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over Mount Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?”
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “'Let's go”'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over Mount Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
In West Virginia, you don't see too many people hang-gliding ...
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. “It’s all those years of standing,” his doctor declared. “You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better.”
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
“How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.
“A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. “Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
“How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.
“A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. “Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
northcreek
Member
Another medical break-through
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital
was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if
they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked
the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain
and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital
was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if
they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked
the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain
and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
A husband and wife were driving their teenage daughter to the hospital where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.
They discussed how the procedure would be performed.
“Dad,” asked the girl. “How are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”
Her dad chuckled and replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.”
They discussed how the procedure would be performed.
“Dad,” asked the girl. “How are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”
Her dad chuckled and replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.”
A Limerick is just a “Rhyming Joke” masquerading as a “Short Story” that seduces the reader into imagining that the situations being described involve every day events being acted out by your average, reasonable person. But with either an “Outrageous End or Salacious Bend” as the undertone hiding within... they can provide a bit of a “sneeze funny” and surprise us all with an occasional involuntary laugh or two.
Once you get the idea… you can construct your own outrageous versions involving People, Places and Things that you have in common with your readers and very quickly build the world you are suggesting in their minds… and end the story with a bit of a punch line that will make them giggle.. in spite of their desire NOT to fall prey and give you the laugh response you are seeking from them.
These are some I wrote myself:
Unlike Shakespeare, The Prolific Bard
Sir John was a Bit of a ‘Tard
For It Was Sir John’s Plight
Never Learning to Write…
Now He Can’t Sign our Christmas Card
There Once was a Filly Named Kay
Who Liked Sunning Her Bosom Each Day
But Her Friends Thought it Rude
That Her “Tah-Tahs” Were Nude
Yet it Seems She Preferred Them That Way
A Balding Ball Player Named Gray
Felt the Need for a Giant Toupee
He Used Chicken Manure
To Make it Secure
So His Cap Smelled Like Crap Every Day
This One is as Old as The Hills...
There Once was a Man Named Crass
Who’s Balls Were Made of Brass
He’ Smack Them Together
In Stormy Foul Weather
And Lightning Would Fly From His Ass
And finally ... these two are from the New Netflix Series “The Crown”
There Was a Young Lady Named Sally
Who Enjoyed The Occasional “Dally”
She Sat on the Lap
Of a Well-Endowed Chap
And Cried, “Sir… You’re Right Up My Alley!”
There Was an Old Countess of Bray
And You Might Think it Odd When I Say
That Despite Her High Station
And Her Broad Education
She Always Spelled “Cunt”… With a “K”
Once you get the idea… you can construct your own outrageous versions involving People, Places and Things that you have in common with your readers and very quickly build the world you are suggesting in their minds… and end the story with a bit of a punch line that will make them giggle.. in spite of their desire NOT to fall prey and give you the laugh response you are seeking from them.
These are some I wrote myself:
Unlike Shakespeare, The Prolific Bard
Sir John was a Bit of a ‘Tard
For It Was Sir John’s Plight
Never Learning to Write…
Now He Can’t Sign our Christmas Card
There Once was a Filly Named Kay
Who Liked Sunning Her Bosom Each Day
But Her Friends Thought it Rude
That Her “Tah-Tahs” Were Nude
Yet it Seems She Preferred Them That Way
A Balding Ball Player Named Gray
Felt the Need for a Giant Toupee
He Used Chicken Manure
To Make it Secure
So His Cap Smelled Like Crap Every Day
This One is as Old as The Hills...
There Once was a Man Named Crass
Who’s Balls Were Made of Brass
He’ Smack Them Together
In Stormy Foul Weather
And Lightning Would Fly From His Ass
And finally ... these two are from the New Netflix Series “The Crown”
There Was a Young Lady Named Sally
Who Enjoyed The Occasional “Dally”
She Sat on the Lap
Of a Well-Endowed Chap
And Cried, “Sir… You’re Right Up My Alley!”
There Was an Old Countess of Bray
And You Might Think it Odd When I Say
That Despite Her High Station
And Her Broad Education
She Always Spelled “Cunt”… With a “K”
Here are a few more Limericks I worked on today...
A UFC Fighter Named “Joe”
Was as Tough as They Come, Don’t You Know?
When He Fought with the Bunch
With His FAST Knock-Out Punch
He Could “Clean a Man’s Clock” with One Blow!
On a Travel through Time, Dr. Firth
Slipped Right Past the Day of His Birth
By His Careless Neglect
Of this “Cause and Effect”
He was Wiped Off The Face of The Earth
There Once was a Lady Named Keach
Who Tried “Sunning Her Buns” at the Beach
But When She Lost Her Fan
She Got More Than a Tan
For Her “Buns” Were as “Pink as a Peach”
The Hefty Young Dutchman, Van Pyke
Used The Head of his Cock Like a Spike
But He Earned Great Renown
After Saving his Town
When he Stopped up A Hole in The Dike
A Beachcombing Lady Named Kotch
Fell Asleep When She Drank Too Much Scotch
She Woke Up When the Tide
Tried to Give her a Ride
And Found Three Hermit Crabs in her Crotch
A UFC Fighter Named “Joe”
Was as Tough as They Come, Don’t You Know?
When He Fought with the Bunch
With His FAST Knock-Out Punch
He Could “Clean a Man’s Clock” with One Blow!
On a Travel through Time, Dr. Firth
Slipped Right Past the Day of His Birth
By His Careless Neglect
Of this “Cause and Effect”
He was Wiped Off The Face of The Earth
There Once was a Lady Named Keach
Who Tried “Sunning Her Buns” at the Beach
But When She Lost Her Fan
She Got More Than a Tan
For Her “Buns” Were as “Pink as a Peach”
The Hefty Young Dutchman, Van Pyke
Used The Head of his Cock Like a Spike
But He Earned Great Renown
After Saving his Town
When he Stopped up A Hole in The Dike
A Beachcombing Lady Named Kotch
Fell Asleep When She Drank Too Much Scotch
She Woke Up When the Tide
Tried to Give her a Ride
And Found Three Hermit Crabs in her Crotch
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A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple, and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $9.80.
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple, and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $9.80.
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASSED
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASSED
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
Mooseman
Moderator
A man, called to testify at Revenue Canada, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a bum down on your luck," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie. Show them who's boss."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with Revenue Canada?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a bum down on your luck," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie. Show them who's boss."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with Revenue Canada?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.
A month later, the man went back to the doctor, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
He finally went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.
A month later, the man went back to the doctor, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"