Dad: “How are you getting on with your football, Jack?”
Jack: “Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team’s greatest drawbacks!”
Jack: “Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team’s greatest drawbacks!”
Jokes and Riddles
- Thread starter DucatiSS
- Start date
Blackwater
Member
Mooseman
Moderator
What do you call a Amish man with his hand in a horses mouth?
a mechanic?
a mechanic?
Last edited:
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
“Kenny,” he says.
“And what is your question, Kenny?” she asks.
“I have three questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi?
“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
“Third — what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy — little Johnny — puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
“Johnny,” he says.
“What is your question, Johnny?” she asks.
“I have five questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi?
“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
“Third — whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
“Fourth — why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
“And, fifth — where’s Kenny?”
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
“Kenny,” he says.
“And what is your question, Kenny?” she asks.
“I have three questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi?
“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
“Third — what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy — little Johnny — puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
“Johnny,” he says.
“What is your question, Johnny?” she asks.
“I have five questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi?
“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
“Third — whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
“Fourth — why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
“And, fifth — where’s Kenny?”
When I was 17 years Old…. It’ll be Fifty years ago this coming December… On one of the coldest nights I suspect ever in memory over in Deland, Florida, I wanted to go to see my First NHRA Drag Racing Competition over at The Sidney Toler Airport. But since my hourly pay rate was only 75 Cents an Hour at the Furniture Store I was working at, I couldn’t afford the Entry Ticket Fees. And so… as nightfall came, I reluctantly finally decided to sneak in through a hole I was aware of over in the Airport Security Fence.
But after sneaking up through the nearby woods… just as I was about to do so, to my very great surprise… I was being hotly pursued by Three Over-Weight Auxiliary Volunteer Volusia County Sheriff’s Department Personnel who tried to ambush me when they came crashing and thrashing on Horseback through the wooded area I was trespassing upon; Hooting and Hollering for me to Stop! But... having heard the Roar of the Engines and The Roar of the Crowd and right after getting a whiff of that Nitro-Methane Fuel in the cold, damp breeze of air burning my nostrils… There was absolutely no way that I was going to come to a Halt!
I managed to dive through the fence hole just in the nick of time and kept ploughing through the High Milkweed on the other side… and the effect of my efforts was almost Magical. All three Riders suddenly came to a stop near the Fence Line and were laughing their asses off as one yelled out… “Hey Kid… Tonight is YOUR lucky Night!” and with that, they all jerked back their reins, and as their Horses snorted out as much smoke into the cool night air as those Race Cars were making, they rode hard and fast right back out of the woods the same way they had come through. I thought... “Whew… Thank God Horses can’t jump a 12 Foot High Fence with Fat Deputies on their Backs…!” But I was NOT “out of the woods” just yet.
When I turned around to look towards the sound of the Funny Cars being revved up adjacent a Tall Christmas Tree and then hurl Brave Men and Roaring Machinery down the track faster than ANYTHING I’d ever seen… I was absolutely thrilled. I was so distracted while concentrating on the 7 Second progress of both cars … that I was completely unaware that I was standing in The Pit Area… with “Big Daddy” Don Garlits… strangely a very small man… standing right next to me. He had his arms folded across his chest and a warm blanket hanging over his shoulders to fight off the damp 17 Degree F Cold wind blowing in from off of the runways. And yet, he was looking very pleased with himself… so much so… that he actually looked over at this gawking, wide-eyed Teenage Boy… and smiled.
At the same time, on my opposite side… there was a noisy, blustering, huge, bulky and VERY Angry Man wearing a Dirty White Nomex Racing Fireproof Suit who came storming right past me. But suddenly, he stopped while he was still looking right at me while grabbing for his Helmet and his Nomex Gloves and was staring at me for a very long moment. This was just long enough for me to realize that it was the equally famous Connie Kalitta standing right there and who unbeknownst to me until that very moment… Here was a Famous NHRA Dragster Driver ...with One Eye that looked WAY to the Right… while the other Eye looked WAY to the Left trying to stare right in my face!
Then… just as abruptlyy, he jammed his helmet onto his head and walked briskly past me to get seated, situated and strapped inside of his “AA” Top Fuel Rail Dragster... "The Bounty Hunter". A moment later, his Able Mechanic chucked a hand-held electric starter with one hand near the front of the Huge Injected and Super-Charged Ford 427 CID SOHC Motor while holding a 12 Volt Car Battery and Jumper Cables in the other and then suddenly...those Choppy puffs of exhaust that smelled like Gun-Powder erupted from his Headers, and that Staccato Sounding Cam Lope made that Scary, Magnificently Powerful Engine... Rumble to Life! As it vibrated the ground, the air all around us... and every single bone in my body... it took me completely! I was so wound up with anticipation in that moment ...that you couldn’t have pulled a Straight Pin out of my Ass... with a John Deere Tractor!
Anyhow… I’m not certain who his opponent was in the adjacent Right Lane… but I wanted to see him doing his burnout and staging in the Left Lane of the Race Track. I had a clear shot at looking right into the syncopated popping of the blue and orange flame paths exiting from the turns deep inside his Incandescent Headers as the engine struggled to run with burden of the extreme valve overlap at idle. And when lights dropped from Yellow to pop “Green”… His Rail Dragster launched like it was fired from 105 Howitzer Artillery Field Piece… and the rush of air from his White Hot Flaming Exhaust was strong enough to push me back as he drove the car forwards... and the guy in the Right Lane was left standing there like he was waiting for a City Bus!
This was making me tear up and damned near cry from the affect of the acrid cloud of exhaust fumes but no doubt...from the strong emotions I was feeling in that instant as well. Connie Kalitta was MUCH quicker as he exploded off the line and was well ahead of the other driver, so at first it looked like he would be the clear winner. But in those few seconds… as I moved forward to ensure a clear sight advantage in that narrow space in between, Don Garlits must have had the same idea and he brushed up against my right elbow to do likewise. In that moment… he seemed very focused as his brow knit when it looked like Kalitta would certainly win the Heat AND The Race Prize Money.
But all of a sudden… The Kalitta Dragster; having already passed the other race car by several lengths… drifted rapidly across from his lane into the other guy’s lane… causing Garlits to break out into a huge smile with obvious relief at the disqualifying outcome of this Heat. There was another unknown Dragster Driver standing right there making surprised eye contact with “Bid Daddy” and after he shrugged his shoulders and was smiling back at the NHRA World Champion, he uttered, “Jeeezuss Don… I wonder… What The Hell Happened..?” Still smiling broadly with his arms hugging his chest, Garlits looked over at me first and then looked back at the other man and quietly said:
“Hummm…. Connie must have been looking out of the Wrong Eye...”
Now both of these grown men burst out laughing with red faced, knee-slapping guffaws right on the spot. But they were equally surprised when I did likewise, realizing that I too had understood what Garlits' jest had really meant.
God… That was sooo damned funny and it happened on one of THE Coolest… Most Unforgettable... Best Days of My Life!
That Mounted Deputy Sheriff was right... "Hey Kid... Tonight Really WAS Your Lucky Night!"
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=9O59Ro2gAKY
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=o40wl80g2jM
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=WpuBv8-IFys
But after sneaking up through the nearby woods… just as I was about to do so, to my very great surprise… I was being hotly pursued by Three Over-Weight Auxiliary Volunteer Volusia County Sheriff’s Department Personnel who tried to ambush me when they came crashing and thrashing on Horseback through the wooded area I was trespassing upon; Hooting and Hollering for me to Stop! But... having heard the Roar of the Engines and The Roar of the Crowd and right after getting a whiff of that Nitro-Methane Fuel in the cold, damp breeze of air burning my nostrils… There was absolutely no way that I was going to come to a Halt!
I managed to dive through the fence hole just in the nick of time and kept ploughing through the High Milkweed on the other side… and the effect of my efforts was almost Magical. All three Riders suddenly came to a stop near the Fence Line and were laughing their asses off as one yelled out… “Hey Kid… Tonight is YOUR lucky Night!” and with that, they all jerked back their reins, and as their Horses snorted out as much smoke into the cool night air as those Race Cars were making, they rode hard and fast right back out of the woods the same way they had come through. I thought... “Whew… Thank God Horses can’t jump a 12 Foot High Fence with Fat Deputies on their Backs…!” But I was NOT “out of the woods” just yet.
When I turned around to look towards the sound of the Funny Cars being revved up adjacent a Tall Christmas Tree and then hurl Brave Men and Roaring Machinery down the track faster than ANYTHING I’d ever seen… I was absolutely thrilled. I was so distracted while concentrating on the 7 Second progress of both cars … that I was completely unaware that I was standing in The Pit Area… with “Big Daddy” Don Garlits… strangely a very small man… standing right next to me. He had his arms folded across his chest and a warm blanket hanging over his shoulders to fight off the damp 17 Degree F Cold wind blowing in from off of the runways. And yet, he was looking very pleased with himself… so much so… that he actually looked over at this gawking, wide-eyed Teenage Boy… and smiled.
At the same time, on my opposite side… there was a noisy, blustering, huge, bulky and VERY Angry Man wearing a Dirty White Nomex Racing Fireproof Suit who came storming right past me. But suddenly, he stopped while he was still looking right at me while grabbing for his Helmet and his Nomex Gloves and was staring at me for a very long moment. This was just long enough for me to realize that it was the equally famous Connie Kalitta standing right there and who unbeknownst to me until that very moment… Here was a Famous NHRA Dragster Driver ...with One Eye that looked WAY to the Right… while the other Eye looked WAY to the Left trying to stare right in my face!
Then… just as abruptlyy, he jammed his helmet onto his head and walked briskly past me to get seated, situated and strapped inside of his “AA” Top Fuel Rail Dragster... "The Bounty Hunter". A moment later, his Able Mechanic chucked a hand-held electric starter with one hand near the front of the Huge Injected and Super-Charged Ford 427 CID SOHC Motor while holding a 12 Volt Car Battery and Jumper Cables in the other and then suddenly...those Choppy puffs of exhaust that smelled like Gun-Powder erupted from his Headers, and that Staccato Sounding Cam Lope made that Scary, Magnificently Powerful Engine... Rumble to Life! As it vibrated the ground, the air all around us... and every single bone in my body... it took me completely! I was so wound up with anticipation in that moment ...that you couldn’t have pulled a Straight Pin out of my Ass... with a John Deere Tractor!
Anyhow… I’m not certain who his opponent was in the adjacent Right Lane… but I wanted to see him doing his burnout and staging in the Left Lane of the Race Track. I had a clear shot at looking right into the syncopated popping of the blue and orange flame paths exiting from the turns deep inside his Incandescent Headers as the engine struggled to run with burden of the extreme valve overlap at idle. And when lights dropped from Yellow to pop “Green”… His Rail Dragster launched like it was fired from 105 Howitzer Artillery Field Piece… and the rush of air from his White Hot Flaming Exhaust was strong enough to push me back as he drove the car forwards... and the guy in the Right Lane was left standing there like he was waiting for a City Bus!
This was making me tear up and damned near cry from the affect of the acrid cloud of exhaust fumes but no doubt...from the strong emotions I was feeling in that instant as well. Connie Kalitta was MUCH quicker as he exploded off the line and was well ahead of the other driver, so at first it looked like he would be the clear winner. But in those few seconds… as I moved forward to ensure a clear sight advantage in that narrow space in between, Don Garlits must have had the same idea and he brushed up against my right elbow to do likewise. In that moment… he seemed very focused as his brow knit when it looked like Kalitta would certainly win the Heat AND The Race Prize Money.
But all of a sudden… The Kalitta Dragster; having already passed the other race car by several lengths… drifted rapidly across from his lane into the other guy’s lane… causing Garlits to break out into a huge smile with obvious relief at the disqualifying outcome of this Heat. There was another unknown Dragster Driver standing right there making surprised eye contact with “Bid Daddy” and after he shrugged his shoulders and was smiling back at the NHRA World Champion, he uttered, “Jeeezuss Don… I wonder… What The Hell Happened..?” Still smiling broadly with his arms hugging his chest, Garlits looked over at me first and then looked back at the other man and quietly said:
“Hummm…. Connie must have been looking out of the Wrong Eye...”
Now both of these grown men burst out laughing with red faced, knee-slapping guffaws right on the spot. But they were equally surprised when I did likewise, realizing that I too had understood what Garlits' jest had really meant.
God… That was sooo damned funny and it happened on one of THE Coolest… Most Unforgettable... Best Days of My Life!
That Mounted Deputy Sheriff was right... "Hey Kid... Tonight Really WAS Your Lucky Night!"
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=9O59Ro2gAKY
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=o40wl80g2jM
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=connie+kalitta+youtube&t=h_&ia=videos&iai=WpuBv8-IFys
Last edited:
A computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came, there was an accompanying note:
“We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. We hope this pleases you.”
When the delivery came, there was an accompanying note:
“We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. We hope this pleases you.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Mooseman
Moderator
Ah yes but the Chinese would have thought that comma was a decimal and would have produced 3 out of 10 as defective and would have asked "is that the minimum?"
Following the loss of one of the 26 games they would lose in row, The Head Coach of the brand new NFL Franchise, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, John Mckay; once considered "The Winning-est Coach in the History of College Football" ...was approaching the podium at the #1 Buccaneer Drive for the dreaded Post Game Press Conference ...when suddenly, a Brash Reporter yelled out the question,
"Coach McKay... What do you think of your Team's Execution?"
The Coach didn't miss a beat and blurted out,
"I'm ALL FOR IT!"
Their First Win happened during their 27th Game against their eventual Division Rival, The New Orleans Saints in the 2nd to the last game of the year 1977 at New Orleans with a winning score of 33-14.
This same team would go on to Beat the Oakland Raiders at Super-bowl Game #37 at Oakland... and win with a resounding score of 48 to 21.
...From Humble Beginnings... :>)
"Coach McKay... What do you think of your Team's Execution?"
The Coach didn't miss a beat and blurted out,
"I'm ALL FOR IT!"
Their First Win happened during their 27th Game against their eventual Division Rival, The New Orleans Saints in the 2nd to the last game of the year 1977 at New Orleans with a winning score of 33-14.
This same team would go on to Beat the Oakland Raiders at Super-bowl Game #37 at Oakland... and win with a resounding score of 48 to 21.
...From Humble Beginnings... :>)
Last edited:
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned an hour later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned an hour later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Doctor: I have some bad news and worse news.
Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: The worse news is that I tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.
redbeard
Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: The worse news is that I tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.
redbeard
bullguy
Member
- Aug 14, 2012
- 63
Intelligent Husband
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked.
Pls read n donot delete u will have a smile on your face
Short Facts......
☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle? ⛺
Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same"
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it...
☺
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked.
Pls read n donot delete u will have a smile on your face
Short Facts......
☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀
Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle? ⛺
Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same"
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it...
☺
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What's the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last – a home cooked meal!”
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last – a home cooked meal!”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand.
He rubbed it and a genie popped out.
The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”
He rubbed it and a genie popped out.
The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
An eager salesman was trying to have a country storekeeper carry his product, and finally tried to bribe the fellow with a bottle of champagne.
“Oh, my conscience wouldn’t let me take such a gift,” the owner protested.
“What if I sell it to you for a dime?” asked the salesman.
“In that case,” replied the man, “I’ll take two.”
“Oh, my conscience wouldn’t let me take such a gift,” the owner protested.
“What if I sell it to you for a dime?” asked the salesman.
“In that case,” replied the man, “I’ll take two.”
These are two Limericks... I wrote this very morning... :>)
Said A Man, “I’ve Twelve Kids!”, with a Smile
To his Host, Whom He Tried to Beguile.
Said His Host, “Yes... By Far, I Enjoy My Cigar...”
“But... I Take it OUT... Once in A While!”
An Intrepid Mechanic Named Poole
Was “Gifted” with One Special Tool.
His Best Service This Day...
Was a “Gift” for Ms. Shea.
It Would Seem that Our Poole was No Fool.
"If a Man Could F*ck a Woman in a Cardboard Box.... He Wouldn't Buy a House!"
-=Dave Chappell=-
Said A Man, “I’ve Twelve Kids!”, with a Smile
To his Host, Whom He Tried to Beguile.
Said His Host, “Yes... By Far, I Enjoy My Cigar...”
“But... I Take it OUT... Once in A While!”
An Intrepid Mechanic Named Poole
Was “Gifted” with One Special Tool.
His Best Service This Day...
Was a “Gift” for Ms. Shea.
It Would Seem that Our Poole was No Fool.
"If a Man Could F*ck a Woman in a Cardboard Box.... He Wouldn't Buy a House!"
-=Dave Chappell=-
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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half-way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings and, through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer replied, “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer scoffed, “You’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half-way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings and, through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer replied, “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer scoffed, “You’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?”
Ali says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”
Ali says, “No wonder you only get £2 – £3.”
Habib says, “So what does your sign say?”
Ali shows Habib his sign … it reads, “I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.”
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?”
Ali says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”
Ali says, “No wonder you only get £2 – £3.”
Habib says, “So what does your sign say?”
Ali shows Habib his sign … it reads, “I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.”
The crowd from the nearby Skyscraper poured out into the street and stood around the Police Yellow Taped Barrier surrounding what was left of a "Jumper". Meanwhile... a pair of Big City Detectives were kneeling down inside that circle examining what little there was left to call "the mess"... a person...when the one wearing a wide, Gray Felt Hat heard a man's voice in the crowd lament,
"What a Shame... And he was such an Optimistic Fellow...too..."
The Detective stood up straight and tall and after sliding his index finger around brim of his Stetson to align his eyes... he studied the half-shaven man with the white towel around his neck who spoke ...and then he asked him very directly,
'What do you mean... Optimistic?'
The Half-Shaven Man frowned at first ... and then... while sadly looking down upon "The Dearly Departed", he said,
"Well... You know.... I had my Bathroom Window wide open while I was shaving...and just as the Guy fell right past ... that's when I heard him yell out... 'So Far... So Good...!'....".
"What a Shame... And he was such an Optimistic Fellow...too..."
The Detective stood up straight and tall and after sliding his index finger around brim of his Stetson to align his eyes... he studied the half-shaven man with the white towel around his neck who spoke ...and then he asked him very directly,
'What do you mean... Optimistic?'
The Half-Shaven Man frowned at first ... and then... while sadly looking down upon "The Dearly Departed", he said,
"Well... You know.... I had my Bathroom Window wide open while I was shaving...and just as the Guy fell right past ... that's when I heard him yell out... 'So Far... So Good...!'....".
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HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
bullguy
Member
- Aug 14, 2012
- 63
Challenge your brain with my riddles-galore, you'll answer a couple and want even more!
1. Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son. Who is the man?
2. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die?
3. The maker doesn't need it. The buyer won't use it. The user can't see it. What is it?
4. Which word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?
5. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
6. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
7. Paul's height is six feet, he's an assistant at a butcher's shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
8. There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?
9. What kind of room has no doors or windows?
10. What kind of tree can you carry in your hand??
1. Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son. Who is the man?
2. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die?
3. The maker doesn't need it. The buyer won't use it. The user can't see it. What is it?
4. Which word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?
5. What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
6. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
7. Paul's height is six feet, he's an assistant at a butcher's shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
8. There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?
9. What kind of room has no doors or windows?
10. What kind of tree can you carry in your hand??
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Mooseman
Moderator
The Israeli Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom", he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, ..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom", he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, ..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill? A miracle.
What do you call two VW buses at the top of a hill? A mirage
What do you call two VW buses at the top of a hill? A mirage
When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a few old girlfriends.
“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.
“Thank goodness I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows!”
redbeard
Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.
“Thank goodness I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows!”
redbeard
Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
“Twenty dollars?!” he said. “For what?”
“To buy groceries,” I told him.
“When I was a boy,” my grandfather said. “My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I’d go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea.”
He shrugged and paused.
“Times have changed and ya can’t do that now,” he told me. “Too many security cameras.”
“Twenty dollars?!” he said. “For what?”
“To buy groceries,” I told him.
“When I was a boy,” my grandfather said. “My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I’d go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea.”
He shrugged and paused.
“Times have changed and ya can’t do that now,” he told me. “Too many security cameras.”
"BALLS!"
Said The Queen...
"If I had Too (2) ...
I'd be KING!"
Said the King to Her Royally Randy and Insatiable Majesty, The Queen,
"Once a King... Always a King... But Once a Night ...is ENOUGH!"
Said The Queen...
"If I had Too (2) ...
I'd be KING!"
Said the King to Her Royally Randy and Insatiable Majesty, The Queen,
"Once a King... Always a King... But Once a Night ...is ENOUGH!"
Mooseman
Moderator
My wife and I are into S & M.
She Sleeps while I Masterbate.
She Sleeps while I Masterbate.
Noise Abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
LOL... Seriously though...it reminded me of the Most Realistic Collision Abatement Scene EVER!
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
HARDTRAILZ
Moderator
- Nov 18, 2011
- 49,665
Q: What's the difference between a mustang and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness!
Q: How do you make a mustang accelerate from zero to 60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A: Push it off a cliff.
Q: What is found on the last two pages of every mustangs owner's manual?
A: The bus schedule.
A: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness!
Q: How do you make a mustang accelerate from zero to 60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A: Push it off a cliff.
Q: What is found on the last two pages of every mustangs owner's manual?
A: The bus schedule.
A husband, the owner of a trailblazer, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc., every time I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye.”
The doctor says, “Try taking the spoon out first.”
The doctor says, “Try taking the spoon out first.”