Jokes and Riddles

[HARDTRAILZ]

A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

[mrrsm]

An Elderly Man visits his Physician and tell him..
"Doc... I've got a big problem.."
The Doctor inquires, "Oh really... What seems to be the problem?"
The Old Man Complains, "Well you see Doc... I can't seem to go Pee anymore...!"
The erstwhile MD then asks, "Well... How old are you now?"
The nervous man replies, "Why I just turned 90...!"
The doctor frowns and says, "Well for God's sake...Don't you think you've Peed enough already? That'll be $50.00..."


The same man goes to the same doctor about a month later as complains,
"Doc... I've got another big problem.."
The Doctor inquires, "Oh really... What seems to be the problem now?"
The Old Man Complains, "Well you see Doc... I've got this Pain in My side..."
The doctor asks... "Well ... Let me ask you....Have you ever had this pain before?"
The Old Man confirms by saying, "Why... Yes ...I have!"
The doctor pronounces, "Well... You've got it again... That'll be $50.00..."

 

[mrrsm]

Johnny is trying to show off on the playground one day, so when the Playground Monitor is not looking, he approaches his classmate, Mary and after dropping his trousers, he points at his privates and teases and torments the girl in a sing -song tone with, "Nnnneah, Nnnneah... I've got one of THeeeeese and Yooouuuu Doooooon't!"

Mary laughs right in his face and after lifting up her skirt...she points at her then not so privates and calmly says, "Well... I've got one of THESE....and my Mom says that with One of THESE... I can get as many of THOSE... as I want."

 

[mrrsm]

A man walked into a prominent New Orleans Bordello and after dropping his pants in front of the Madam and all the Lovely Ladies bedecking the lounge chairs and settees in the receiving parlor and exclaimed, "I want an Hour with each and every woman in here Lady....including YOU!!" The Madam's eyes got wide when she took one look at his "package" and then burst out laughing because his shriveled up spigot looked like a Button in Fur Coat.

Naturally .... All the "Ladies" stifled their surprise snickers out of common courtesy as the Madam pointed her Pinky Finger down at the man's privates and asks the little man, "Listen Tiny.... Who the Hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with THAT?" The Little Fellow broke out with a broad smile and said,

"Me!"

 

[mrrsm]

(This actually happened to me when I was a K-9 Officer back in the late 1970's)

I got dispatched to a local small round lake with a Gazebo to investigate a just-occurred Purse Snatch...and when I arrived, I hooked up the short lead on my Canine Partner and walked quickly out towards the gazebo where a very frail and elderly Mrs. Schwartz was just sitting there, looking very dejected in the summer heat. Naturally for the sake of my vision, I always wore very dark Aviator Sun Glasses and as I approached her, I heard her say in a very loud voice, "Oh... My.... Gawd.... I call the station tuh ask fuh help... and whaddah they send me? A Bloyand (Blind) Policeman!"

I could not stop laughing as I tried to explain that I was NOT blind and was very able to see her and help her. Luckily, she was not harmed during the incident and still she came back with, "Oh really?...well let me ask you this, Awfissuh ... How are you gonna get my poise back....? Because that Thief threw it out into the middle of the lake!" So I promised the poor thing that I WOULD get her property returned. I lead my Black and Silver partner Maxx downwind of the waterline and coaxed him to observe an object floating a good 30 feet offshore and with the right encouragement, he ran directly into the water and without the slightest hesitation, he capably dog-paddled out and grabbed the Old Woman's handbag and brought it right back to me.... Afterwards the woman realized what she had said...and as MAxx shook himself a bit drier at our mutual expense, we (That is Mrs. Schwatz and I) both had a great laugh about the outcome.

 

[fletch09]

The Cure:

This is the picture the Doctor shows to you if your erection lasts 4 hours or more.

 

[mrrsm]

I don't know man.... I can't raise my eyes higher than those "Cankles"... without getting a "Chubby". I have NO idea what color her eyes are! ROFLOL

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

 

[mrrsm]

Dumb and Dumber are traveling out West a good deal distant from the nearest of towns out in the middle of nowhere when the radiator hose of their Ford Station Wagon lets go a in a shower of steam. The boys pull of the road and after a while, even they reasoned out that they were stranded and as such, they decided to hoof it for the nearest gas station. A few miles later on their trek, a Blue sedan with three teenagers slows down along side of them and the young passenger yells out, "Don't you guys know that FORD stands for "Fix Or Repair Daily" ...? ...Next time...get a Chevy!"..." and then speeds off, leaving them alone with their thoughts. Finally, Dumb tells Dumber... "You know them guys are RIGHT... The next time we get a ride...we should be more careful about the quality of the transportation!" Dumber nods in agreement and the keep on walking slowly along...

In time, they finally get to the outskirts of a Small Oasis Town of "June Bug" and the first thing they see is a hug sign marked, "Rudy's Used Car Dealership" and standing out on the edge of the property with an astonished smile is "Rudy" (...think... Kurt Russell in the movie "Used Cars"). "Rudy" hails them over and after they tell their sad story about, "Our Ford Wagon Broke Down...Waaay Out on the Outskirts of Town"... Rudy asks them, "Well say , Fellas... I think I can help you with that situation... Have you got any money...?" Dumb pipes up and says, "Oh yeah.,..we've got PLENTY of Money... why I think I have 15 Cents and my friend... How much do you have, Man...?" and Dumber replies..."I have a whole Dime on me...!"

Meanwhile, Rudy blurts out, "A QUARTER... ? Are you telling me that all you have is a measly 25 Cents between you...?!" Of course they are smiling and nodding like the tiny German Shepherds they had in the back window of their Ford wagon when Rudy suddenly gets in between them and after putting his arms around their narrow shoulders, he says, "Boys.... I think we can do some business... and Guys...? I THINK that Today is YOUR LUCKY DAY!". So he guides this pair of Wayward Wanderers around the back of the Used Car Business lot to what looks like a small corral and there... stood a HUGE Arabian Camel.

Rudy, says..."Okay Boys... now you give me all your money... and I'll let you have this fine Camel for that low price.... But I GOTTA warn you... This Camel has been well trained to follow the Traffic Lights to the Letter of the Law!" The smiles on the faces of Dumb and Dumber dimmed somewhat as they inquired, "Well...exactly what does mean?" Rudy smiles at them and says, "Take it easy now Boys... what I mean by that is this: When this Camel comes up to a Red Light ...it will comes to a sudden stop ...and so have to hang on REAL TIGHT or you might fall off...Okay?...You got that?!" The Dopey Boys nod in the affirmative and Rudy continues, "The other thing you've got to watch out for is that when the Light Turns Green... This Camel...well... He's got a helluva Desert Motor in them legs of his...and he will take off like a Rifle Shot! So both of you had BETTER be hanging on for dear life...or you're gonna fall off and get HURT...Savvy?" The Boys nod yes and begin to approach the corral.

The skittish animal was eye-balling them suspiciously as he ruminated on what might happen next and before the camel could react, Dumb and Dumber found themselves riding between its humps and heading out of town further West at a good Camel Trot pace. As they looked back and waved bye-bye to Rudy, he yelled one last warning in their dusty direction..."Remember what I said Guys... He Stops on Red and he GOES on Green!"

Quite a few hours later, after Rudy had closed up the business, he was heading on his way home looking at the Sun setting... when he caught sight of Dumb and Dumber...walking along the roadside, looking as dejected as can be. He stopped the car and called out to the Boys, "Hey Guys? What the Hell the Happened? Where's the Damned Camel?" Dumb leaned in the window and says, "Well...We started out pretty good...We did just like you said... Whenever the camel saw a RED Light he would Stop...." Dumber chimed in here saying, "...and when the light turned GREEN...he would GO...!" Still puzzled, Rudy said, "Well Hell Yeah...Of Course... that is exactly what I TOLD you would happen!" Dumb leans down again and says, "Yeah...But one time, we pulled up to a Red Light and stopped ... Then some guys we know came by in a Blue Car and said..."

Hey!!!!... Look at the Two Assholes on the Camel...!!!"

...and Dumb finishes explaining that, "Well... We thought this is just like what happened with our Ford Station Wagon... We thought you sold us a Defective Camel... So when we got off to walk around back and check the Camel's Ass... The Light turned GREEN...!"

 

[northcreek]

early Hoverboard?

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

[mrrsm]

Then there was the story of the Confused Mountie... who jumped off of his Whistle... and Blew his Horse...!
___________________________________________________________

"The Man of Few Words" walks into a crowded dance bar and after walking right up to the "The Woman Who Never Says Much" and asks:

"Are your Fuckin'?...or just Fuckin' around?"
She looks right at him and asks,
"Your place? Or mine?"
He comes right back at her with,
"Well... if you're gonna ARGUE about it... JUST FORGET IT!"
______________________________________________________

A Street Drunk staggering down an alley in Beverly Hills, hears the sound of music and laughter and after stumbling up against and then leaning on a low picket fence at a House Party, the entire party of people come to dead silence and turn off the music. The perturbed owner of the property also stopped turning his barbecue rotisserie long enough to walk over go the inebriate and as he challenges his presence near the yard, The drunk smiles and waves the man over for a more intimate chat. The house owner bends down to hear the drunk advise him, "Hey Misshher Caliope Man... Shhhhh C'Mere... You know I hate ta tell ya thishhh but.... Your Mushhiic Shhtopped playin'... and ... Your Monkeesh On Fire!"

 

[mrrsm]

On one occasion during the live showing of "You Bet Your Life!" Groucho Marx was doing the initial interviews with the "Stranger Couple" who had been brought to the two microphones by Groucho's Announcer, George Fenneman. He began by asking the Pretty Young Lady,

"So Young Lady... What's Your Name?" Groucho inquired of the girl.
She replied politely, "Well Groucho... My name is is Madelyn.. but Mom calls me Peaches"
Groucho looked at the Camera smiling wryly as he raised his thick, bushy eyebrows and said,
"Peaches Huh... My Goodness... I'll bet THAT gets confusing around Lunch time.."
The audience provided polite laughter as the girl blushed.
Groucho then took a few puffs from his huge Havana Cigar and turned to the male contestant,
"Well Young Man... You're a Handsome Devil. Are you Married? Do you have any kids?'
The Tall Fellow smiled and after squaring his broad shoulders, he quietly replied,
"Yes Groucho... I am married to a lovely Lady who has given me 12 Children Groucho."
Marx jams his cigar in his mouth and stands up with his eyes real wide with fake concern,
The audience has gone wild by now and while milking every drop of it from them he says,
"Twelve Children, Huh...? Well my Goodness, Why do you have so many Children?"
The man looked a bit puzzled at first as to what to say and finally he exclaimed with a smile,
"Well Groucho My Wife and I have 12 Children ...because... we like Children..."
The audience gave out with a great response and as Grouch looked out at them, he said,
"Well...You know Son..." he paused to look at the burning tip of his Havana... and then said,
"I like My Cigar, too.... But I take it OUT every once in a while!"

 

[mrrsm]

After attending a Washington, DC Conference on "How to be a Success in the Political Lobby", Tom, Dick and Harry got Drunk and obnoxious as Monkeys on their last night in the hotel and did a fairly good job of picking on their New Boss Lady for writing every word of this drivel down and for once being known at school as, "The Gasser from Vassar"... The Smartest Girl in the World...who had since become very successful in their corporation after struggling long and hard in a world dominated by what she considered to be knuckle dragging, mouth-breathing Troglodytes... Men who more or less obstructed her career at every turn.

Now that she had achieved her VP status and had the Big Corner Office with the Mahogany Desk and the nearby Ficus Plant as a garnish near the Big Window...she had every intention of making the lives of these three assholes... miserable. Sadly for them all though... a little while later, while taking a "Red-Eye" flight in the Company Jet... the engines flamed out at 30,000 feet and they managed to auger into the ocean at around 600 MPH. So much for "The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men..."

But somehow, this intrepid foursome (plus the poor pilot and co-pilot), found themselves collectively "coming to" while standing in line at "The Pearly Gates". As their disorientation wore off, they all could see that slightly ahead of them, Saint Peter was greeting the Newly Arrived and having brief chats as the line moved quickly ahead, . Since Tom, Dick and Harry were still a bit tipsy and in character, what with their McDonald's Secret Sauce stained Ties and shirt buttons at the belly all undone and exhibiting breath that would give the bottom of a Parakeet Cage a decent run for a Malodorous Award (aka "The Stinky"). But stranger still was the fact that their aggressive Boss Lady had remained in character when she started in by giving each one of them a ration for looking like a bunch of bums and for having stepped in front of her in the line... so she forced her way ahead of the men to takes the lead position in line.

Meanwhile...this action by her did not go without the notice of Saint Peter; ever-vigilant as he was deciding who was to enter Heaven ...and who was not. Shortly thereafter, Boss Lady was standing right at the very Gates of Heaven and as she opened her mouth to speak, Saint Peter shook his head side to side...crossed his lips with a vertical Index Finger...and then firmly lead her back to her previous position in line. He then quietly returned to the Threshold, shaking his head just a bit more and yet... he still smiled to himself. Finally, he turned to challenge Tom and said. "Well Tom... You and I both know that you have been a Very Bad Boy in your Lifetime... So the only way I can let you pass through The Pearly Gates and enter Heaven... is if you can pass A Spelling Test...So if you would, Tom...SPELL "DOG.'

Of course, Tom was shocked into being a bit more sober... but not as much as Dick and Harry... and certainly nothing compared to the look of surprise there upon the Big Boss Lady's face. But sure enough, Tom was up to the task and spelled, "DOG...D...O...G..." and just as promised by Saint Peter, he gave him leave to enter Heaven. As well, Saint Peter then repeated the tests for Dick to spell "CAT...C...A...T." and for Harry to spell "HIM....H..I..M..""... and with that said...all three, arm in arm, were quickly advanced towards their Private Cloud locations to get settled in.

You can well imagine that by now, the Big Boss Lady was FUMING and even though Saint Peter was smiling with gentle regard for the woman, she immediately launched an invective that basically explained how hard it was for her live her entire life in the "Shadow of Men" and even right there, standing at the very Gates of Heaven itself "...three of the most worthless kinds of men" were essentially being given a pass that was rightfully hers to claim. Saint Peter beamed down a broad smile at The Big Boss lady and asked, "Say ...aren't you the smart one they used to call, "The Gasser from Vassar"...? She replied haughtily "Why of COURSE!" Saint Peter then instructed The Big Boss Lady to...

"SPELL ...Czechoslovakia..."

 

[mrrsm]

There is a Brand New Beverage made "Just For Women" hitting the open market soon. It is a unique formulation of a Crystal Clear, Lemony, Effervescent Soft drink ...Combined with a Feminine Deodorant Spray!

The Advertising slogan goes something like this:

"Ladies.... Try..... "Sprunt".... and You'll Get Out in FRONT of... Your Day!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have finally figured out what the "White Stuff" in Chicken Shit is....

Its More... Chicken Shit.

 

[danj]

Two women walk into a marital aid shop.

As they walk up to the desk the clerk asks if he could be of any help. Naturally they ask for assistance finding a new "toy".

The first one the clerk brings them to is a small tan one about 4 inches tall The clerks tells them "This one is $20". They look it over decide that's definitely not for them.

The second one is white, about 8 inches tall The clerk says "$30 for this one". The women decide that still just won't do.

The third is large dark colored one about 12 inches tall. The clerk mentions " this one is $60". They look this one over for a good while. During the inspection one of the women notices another off to the side. So they inquire with the clerk" Sir, Can we see that one on the end of the counter?"

The clerk agrees, and brings them to the end of the counter. This one is plaid, 14 inches tall, and 3 inches around. They ask "How much for this one?". The clerk thought for a moment, and said " I suppose I could let this one go for $100.". Without any hesitation they purchase it, and get on their way.

About an hour later the owner of the shop stops by. He asks the clerk "Have we had much for sales today?". To which the clerk replied "Nope, not really...I did manage to sell my thermos for $100".

 

[mrrsm]

Two Traveling Salesmen roll into yet another Highway Diner at 3:00 AM on the ass-end of a busy Friday Night and take a corner booth just around the time it gets vacant from the last of the party-goers. The First Guy raised his hand in the air and YELLED to get the attention of the busy waitress ... while the second quietly mimed his gestures for her to "Bring Some Coffee".

She easily got the gist of his actions and minute or two later, the tired, middle-aged woman set them up with some cups and a carafe of their Fresh Hot Java. As she finished wiping down the table, she looked strangely at the First Guy and asked him,

"Sir...? Do You Scream?"
The First Guy looked at the Second Guy and smiled...and then replied,
"Yeah... Oh Hell Yeah...I Scream... So What about it? I Scream at my Wife ...I scream at the Kids... Hell...I even Screamed at YOU...didn't I...!"

The exhausted Waitress put her one hand on her hip and laid the other one on the table right in front of The First Guy and while leaning in... with a soft, syrupy southern drawl, she said,

"Sir....... Ahhh've had a looooong Daay... DO... YOU... USE... CREAM?"

 

[northcreek]

A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
6. On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a month, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[mrrsm]

These are by far... the "Shittiest" Jokes I've ever told...

As usual...Chicken Little was wandering around the Farm Yard... minding his own business when suddenly a rapidly shrinking Dark Shadow around where he stood drew his attention just a little too late...and right then... a fucking Turkey Buzzard swooped down and snatched the Lil Guy right off of his little drum sticks.. and then zoomed and soared right back up into the open sky...

...A little while later, Chicken Little popped his little head out of the giant predatory bird's ass and after looking downward at the distant passing ground way below, he yelled out, "Say..... Mr. Buzzard, Sir.... How high up are we...?!!!" The enormous smiling bird looked over his shoulder and proudly said, "Ohhhhh We're up around 50,000 Feet...or so..." Chicken Little's Beady Little Eyes suddenly got huge...and he asked, "You Wouldn't SHIT me now... Would You?!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Gigantic, Constipated Brown Bear was squatting on a moss mound, trying to pinch a loaf, when suddenly a Very Brazen March Hare that was ambling along decided that, what the hell... he needed to dump his beads, too...so he bravely "marched" right up along side the huge furry forest dweller and joined him in a squat.

After a few minutes of silence, punctuated by the occasional grunts from both critters... the Big Bear raised his eyebrows and squinted while regarding the rabbit for a moment and then asked with a tone of comradeship, "Hey March... Does Shit stick to your fur, man?" The Rabbit smiled at him and said... "Oh yeah... but what I do is..." and before he could finish his sentence... the Big Brown Bear grabbed the Brazen March Hair and used him to vigorously scrub out the crack of his "bare" ass...and then walked away feeling fresh as a Daisy for the rest of the day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid, fresh from a recent potty training exercise with his mom...managed to wake up his dad from a deep snooze and a pleasant dream in his easy chair and asked," Daddy...Why does my Poop come to a Point...?" His disturbed father yawned a cranky yawn and then told his boy, "Well Son...That's so your asshole won't slam shut..."

 

[stickypoop]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

 

[mrrsm]

As usual... Mama Miglione was cooking up another enormous batch of Tomato Sauce and Sausages with Spaghetti for the family to enjoy on a Sunday afternoon, but for some reason, she had a deep look of disappointment on her Sicilian face... which caught the eye of her Daughter-in-law, Maria, from the far side of the big kitchen table.

"Mama... Que fai...? Questa Cosa..? What's Wrong, Mama?" the younger woman asked. And so the Old Lady finally confided her concern that every time she cooked for the family on Sundays... Her elderly neighbor tended to show up precisely at meal times and insinuate himself at the table for dinner as "The Uninvited Guest". The Older woman had never mentioned it to her four sons... because she knew they would get into trouble for trying to straighten the Old Geezer out. Besides... Once they sat down, they were so busy stuffing their faces that they always thought it was her idea to have him come for dinner in the first place.

Maria hugged her Mother-In-Law and smiled sweetly as she whispered, "Not to worry Mama... You leave this to me!" Sure enough, The Old Man showed up right on schedule and plunked himself at the head of the table since the spot was left empty when he arrived just as the food was being served. Naturally... everyone enjoyed Mama Miglione's Italian food and when the meal was done, the Old Freeloader leaned back in his chair and loosened his belt with gusto.

It was then that Maria hustled everyone else from the dining area and mentioned that she had a nice surprise for dessert coming along soon. The Old Man's ears perked up when he heard that, so he cleverly was hanging back when Maria returned to the Kitchen to clean up the table. It was then that she allowed the Old Man's hound named "HOBO" into the kitchen through the back door and right then... he was allowed to begin licking the residue of food from the stack of dinner plates Maria had just taken off the Dining Table.

The Old Man had a puzzled look on his face as he asked, "Maria... why did you bring "HOBO" inside the house?" Meanwhile Maria was taking the plates that the dog had just licked clean and was stacking them one after the other back into the China Cabinet and she softly replied, "Oh... we ALWAYS let "HOBO" help us to clean up all our dishes... Didn't you know?" And that was the very last time the Old Man ever showed up for a Sunday Dinner at Mama Miglione's!

 

[BC backroader]

For all the men who think they aren't old...

A Man's Age According to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock.
You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You
have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s:Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Everyone should laugh at least once a day.
I think this should do it for today.

 

[mrrsm]

A Carnival Worker showed up at the Emergency Hospital in the wee hours of the morning and after enduring a hectic triage by the husky Night Nurse, the sleepy Doctor in Residence slowly slid the modesty curtain aside in the man's treatment room and gasped himself pop-eyed wide awake by what he saw of the poor man. He could see that the man's right arm was swollen twice its natural size...and from his fingertips to his upper arm were the colors of red or purple along with what looked like the worst case of boils and carbuncles he had EVER seen in his entire medical career.

"Good God Man... What on Earth have you been doing to have gotten such a Bad Arm? " He then turned to face the Night Nurse and ordered an immediate series of heavy IV Antibiotics and then had the man lay back as comfortably as possible on the gurney.

The man almost cheerfully told the doctor, "Well Doc... I am with a Travelling Carnival and my job is to look after the Elephants and make sure they are cared for... That also means that I have to shove my right hand all the way up inside the Elephants asses whenever they get constipated... and pull out any leftover turds... by hand!"

The Good Doc was in a State of Shock at hearing this and blurted out, "Good Christ Man... you must stop doing this procedure AT ONCE and find a different line of work before you lose your arm to AMPUTATION!" The Little Man on the cot looked up and smiled at the Physician as he asked....

"What...? And Give Up SHOW BUSINESS?"

 

[mrrsm]

An Old, Experienced Bull and his Son were grazing the high pasture one afternoon... when the Youngster..."Feeling his Oats"... spied a large herd of cows further down in the valley. The Old Man had already seen the same situation and while calmly ruminating... he heard the pounding hooves of his son approaching and raised his head to acknowledge him. The Young Bull breathlessly told his father, "Say Pop.... There's a big herd of females at the bottom of the hill... Let's run down there and Fuck one of 'em!".... The Old Bull winked at his offspring and calmly replied, " Tell you what son... how 'bout we just WALK down there... and Fuck 'em ALL?"

 

[mrrsm]

A Theologian and a Pragmatist were hiking along a high ridge in the deep woods when they suddenly heard the rustling and aggressive sounds of a Huge Grizzly Bear. The two men stopped and remained motionless and listened to the angry approaching animal only for a moment. Then the Theologian quickly dropped to his knees, clasped his two hands together and began mumbling a quiet...fervent prayer.

At the same time, the Pragmatist dropped to one knee at a time and began re-tying his hiking boots in silence. "What are you doing that for?... You KNOW that you are not fast enough to outrun a Grizzly...!" hoarsely whispered the Theologian. The Pragmatist leaned over and whispered back... "I don't have to be fast enough to outrun that Grizzly Bear... I only have to be fast enough to outrun YOU!"

 

[mrrsm]

One Hot Southern Summer's Day... The Sheriff of a country Boony Town was trying to show the ropes to his new, fresh-faced Rookie Deputy. He was letting him drive around the local neighborhoods and allow the young man a chance to break the ice with a few of the Locals of a more "unsavory and salty disposition"... just to see how his new charge took to people and handled his authority.

At one point, he directed the deputy to stop near the top of #1 Knobby Cooter Hill so he could speak with Old Mizz Agnes from where she usually sat on her tall front porch. Sure enough... there she was as usual... sitting high in her Rocking Chair during the hottest part of the day. They parked at the roadside and the Sheriff let the young fellow walk on ahead of him... right up until he saw him freeze on the spot. The Sheriff chuckled to himself as he strolled past the man to the approach of the Old Lady's Porch.

The Sheriff knew this was going to happen... because it was his past experience that in the summertime... Old Mizz Agnes; as a particularly Obese, Elderly sort of Woman had a tendency to sit in her rocking chair... with her legs opened... impossibly wide, after pulling up her long skirts to hold a passel of peas in her lap to shuck just before making her supper.

The sheriff ambled past the Red-Faced Rookie and doffed his cowboy hat in respect to the Old Woman and said, "How Do...Mizz Agnes... How you holdin' up in all this HEAT?" The Rookie stood by his side, straight as a pole... and struggled not to stare at the elderly woman's "all togethers" and had no idea as to what he should say.

Meanwhile...Old Mizz Agnes looked up and after adjusting her CornCob Pipe...she replied, "Howdo yusself Sheruff... Well... you know how I gits when I gits warm..." . The Old Woman had hardly looked up very long... but it was just long enough to capture a glimpse of the young man... whose eyes were wide, wide open while staring at the Old Lady's very hairy and well-worn 'Munkee'.

Knowing that his Rookie was about to stammer out a stupid question, the Sheriff smiled wryly and then slowly stepped back from the porch as courtesy to give his deputy some room to make his fuck up. And that was when he heard him ask the Old Lady, "Ugghhh ...Howdy Ma'am... I'm the new deputy in this area...and Ughhhh... I was just wondering... Do you sit like that to Keep 'it' COOL?"

The Sheriff all but passed out from trying not to laugh into his cowboy hat at the kid, when the Old Woman kind of perked up and smiled as she winked at the Sheriff. And then... after once again taking the Corncob Pipe out of her toothless mouth, she looked sweetly, right at the young deputy and quietly answered, "Well... You know Young Man... I don't know nuthin' 'bout keeping 'it' cool.... but it SHORE does Keep the Flies off-a my Watermelon!"

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[Mooseman]

LETTER TO AGONY AUNT


DEAR ABBY:

MY HUSBAND IS A LIAR AND A CHEAT. HE HAS CHEATED ON ME FROM THE
BEGINNING

AND WHEN I CONFRONT HIM, HE DENIES EVERYTHING. WHAT'S WORSE,
EVERYONE KNOWS

HE CHEATS ON ME. IT IS SO HUMILIATING!


ALSO, SINCE HE LOST HIS JOB 14 YEARS AGO, HE HASN'T EVEN LOOKED FOR A NEW ONE.

ALL HE DOES ALL DAY IS SMOKE CIGARS, CRUISE AROUND AND SHOOT BULL
WITH HIS BUDDIES

AND HAS SEX WITH HOOKERS WHILE I WORK SO HARD TO PAY OUR BILLS.

SINCE OUR DAUGHTER WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE AND THEN GOT MARRIED

HE DOESN'T EVEN PRETEND TO LIKE ME, AND HINTS THAT I MAY BE A LESBIAN.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

SIGNED: CLUELESS


DEAR CLUELESS:

GROW UP AND DUMP HIM.

YOU DON'T NEED HIM ANY MORE!


GOOD GRIEF WOMAN, YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

 

[Mooseman]

I knew someone would find a name for the election this year.




ELECTYLE DYSFUNCTION:


The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for Government, put forth by all parties in the 2016 election.

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

 

[fletch09]

Caution... They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender notices it and asks "Hey pirate, did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

So the Pirate looks at him and says "Aye, and it's drive'n me NUTS!"

 

[mrrsm]

The Young Couple...Mr. & Mrs. Mopeandope... had been married a little over a year before their In-Laws started wondering when “The Patter of Little Feet...” would be heard around their house. A few more months had passed and finally the Man's Mother-In-Law told him ( ...because she fully understood that he was as Dumb as Post) “I've set up an appointment at the Local Fertility Clinic for you and Doris...this is where it is...this is when you both have to be there… Don't miss the appointment...and Don't Screw This Up!”

Oddly enough, The Mopeandopes were able to show up on time and be greeted by Dr. Clipper and his helpful staff. He invited them into his consulting office and within just a few minutes… he was surprised to discover that the couple as yet had not engaged in even the first love-making session and had not actually had “coitus”. The surprised physician almost blurted out, “You have GOT to be kidding me ...right?” However... he held his tongue after the two Noobs admitted that all they had managed to do so far by laying in "The Marriage Bed"... was to get real close to one another... fully clothed... and start “rubbing... real hard” and wind up soaking wet with sweat and feel completely exhausted.

The doctor was aghast and continued his inquiry, “Are you folks telling me that no one has ever talked to you about “The Birds and The Bees”… or explained The Basic Facts of Life to you…?” The Man and Wife looked at each other in astonishment and shook their collective empty heads side to side. The frustrated Doctor had finally heard enough and so… he stood up abruptly to guide the pair into the Examination Room and ordered them both to immediately disrobe. They reluctantly complied ...and while the doctor was having the woman lay down and spread her legs wide enough to accommodate sexual intercourse… Mr. Mopeandope was busy wandering around the exam room in the nude… apparently distracted by all of the Body Physiology Charts.

The woman seemed willing enough to learn… but the Doctor was having a hard time holding Mr. Mopeandope's attention. Finally, he grabbed him by the arm and guided him to the center of the room where he drew a wide chalk circle right there and ordered Mr. Mopeandope, “Now Look… Now you stand right there inside that circle...and you watch everything I do... Understand?” The Goofy Man half nodded slowly and then stood naked in the middle of the circle.

The Good Doctor proceeded to drop his pants and within a short order… he was sporting a rather Tumescent Hard-On that a House Cat Couldn't Scratch and after getting the Man's attention one last time… he began Poking his Pecker inside the woman's moist Cooter while she was spreading her legs impossibly wide to helps things out. And so the Good Doctor proceeded to give her the “E-Ticket Ride on his High Hard”… even as he was trying to give her husband pointers about how to do this on his own.

A very short while later… as the somewhat satisfied Doctor climbed down off of the then glowing Mrs. Mopeandope, he turned to Mr. Mopeandope and asked… “NOW… Do YOU understand how this was done... and... Weren't you paying attention?” The Man was grinning ear to ear when he replied, “No...'cause while you were wrasslin' there with the Missus… I jumped out of the Circle...THREE TIMES!”

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

 

[Inferno333]

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

My wife gave me quite the look when I told her this one.

 

[mrrsm]

Just after the attack on Pearl Harbour... The Japanese laid waste to many areas occupied by U.S. Naval Personnel in the Philippines ...most of whom had to withstand daily strafing runs from Zeros that Shot the Hell out of many Patrol Boat Stations. In the mix... many new and inexperienced officer corps were assigned to set things to rights on land and try to make things workable until the dust settled around each small base and the assigned personnel could be redirected into The War.

Ensign George Washington Haltertop was assigned to just such a base and as a Naval Academy Graduate...he hit the sandy beach with his SOP Manual and a few NCOs "leashed in at his heels like hounds" as The Bard would say...to help him get started. He was observed passing by many an occupied Enlisted Man who saluted him as he whirled past and was then seen "milling around smartly in the area..." The enlisted men had no choice but to respond to his every whim and order...no matter how nonsensical they seemed.

At one point... the Young Officer found himself inside what was left of the Chow Hall and was barking commands at the Orderlies and the First Class Cook to police up around the tables and pick up all the debris from recent bombing runs. He was in the process of ordering them to clean up all the bowls and eating instruments and at one point, as he passed by the stove... he sampled the steaming hot soup with a large ladle and then promptly spit it out and sprayed it all over his own NCOs and he then turned to immediately chastise the cook.

He gave a harsh glare at the flustered Blue Jacket and yelled out, "Cookie... I should have you Busted down to Seaman...THAT is THE WORST Soup I have EVER TASTED in my LIFE!...That soup is unfit for Human Consumption! What do YOU have to say for yourself...Sailor?" With that... the Cook snapped to attention and said, "I beg to differ with you Sir... My Soup is some of the BEST SOUP IN THE NAVY!"...and then he gestured toward the Large Soup Pot and said..."THAT stuff...is usually DISHWATER at this time of the day, SIR... But right now... its got the Captain's Socks in there ... Sir...So If you want some Really Good Soup... Sir...I'll be serving some tomorrow.....Sir!

 

[HARDTRAILZ]

Q: What do fish and women have in common?

A: They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them!

 

[mrrsm]

An Elderly Scotch Bachelor was vacationing abroad in Nova Scotia and he decided to visit his two young nephews who were stateside in New York City, right in the very heart of The Big Apple. After he arrived and was shown around town for the early part of the day, the two young fellows decided to take their Gnarly, Old Uncle to see a Yankees Baseball Game.

Since it was the early afternoon when they arrived, they lucked out when the Usher saw that the Old Scot was decked out in all of his Family Regalia, Family Crest and Plaid Kilt Scottish Clothing. They were guided to sit perfectly centered behind Home Plate and as the early innings progressed… He was trying to figure out what was going on out on the field. Since this was his first time ever to watch a Baseball Game, the Boys offered to supply him with color commentary as the plays began to unfold.

His nephew Charles sat to his left and the younger brother Ricky sat at the Old man's right elbow... and so they began educating him as the Batter stood still in the Batter's Box, apparently taking his time and working the pitch count pretty deep. The count went to 3 & 1 after the 4th pitch was “...just a little outside” and while the Organist played the “Charge!” Theme and the music echoed around the stadium, the Elderly Gent Inquired,

“WUll Muh Laddies...What the Hell are They Doin' Nooo (Now)?”
“Well...You see Uncle Angus...The Batter has Three Balls...” Ricky explained.
“Noooo Foolin' Eh?… THREE BALLS ...EH? WULL Noooo… THAT is Somethin'!” replied the Scot.

The Pitcher on The Mound finally wound up and threw a low fast ball that Charity-Hopped right in front of the plate. Naturally, the Batter immediately doffed his shin guard, tossed his bat to the ground and because he had a pulled hamstring… he walked very slowly with his head held down towards First Base. Their Uncle Angus look puzzled and while facing the older boy, he asked,

“Welll Nooooo…Charlie.... Where is the Fella' Goin' Noooooo?”
“Uncle Angus...that Man has got Four Balls…. So he has Earned himself 'A Walk'...”

The Old Scot suddenly leaped to his Feet and yelled out onto the Field,
“WULL BAHHH GUD… Efff You've Got FURR BALLS...Laddie….WALK PROOOOUDLY MAN...WALK PROOOOOUDLY!”