Random Funnies...

ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

:rotfl:
 

harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
Has anyone else noticed that the OS seems a little, um, quiet these days? :confused:


I wonder where all the chatty people went. :undecided: :tongue:
 

Hatchet

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,405
harmless said:
Has anyone else noticed that the OS seems a little, um, quiet these days? :confused:


I wonder where all the chatty people went. :undecided: :tongue:

*insert shrugging smiley face here*
 

ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
harmless said:
Has anyone else noticed that the OS seems a little, um, quiet these days? :confused:


I wonder where all the chatty people went. :undecided: :tongue:

It has been pretty quiet!
 

Ghoster

Lifetime VIP Donor
Member
Nov 18, 2011
1,444
:whistle::whistle:
 

djthumper

Administrator
Nov 20, 2011
14,950
North Las Vegas
LOL, I was thinking the same thing when someone was still wondering when the voting begins for the photo contest.
 

harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"


:rotfl:
 

Wooluf1952

Member
Nov 20, 2011
2,663
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," he says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
Just as he thought, the man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
 

fletch09

Member
Nov 20, 2011
1,982
INSENSITIVITY


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.


The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
 

Hotness

Member
Dec 7, 2011
210
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to... a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
 

fletch09

Member
Nov 20, 2011
1,982
Beer, Fishing, Golf & Sex








A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
 

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