The radioactive super-stupid: American pizza’s become a vegetable.
grant.lafleche - November 17th, 2011
Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!
Once, I thought the phrase “The stupid, it burns,” was sufficient to capture a level of idiocy that tends to penetrate society. Politics, religion, Glee…it all seemed to be captured in those four magical words.
Alas, I was wrong.
See, I have now encountered a stupid that more than just burns. This is not ordinary stupid. This stupid is so stupid that stupid is a stupid word to use to describe it. It is worse than burning. It’s like direct exposure to nuclear waste that bakes you right away, and then slowly kills you one piece at a time over several years.
I refer to perhaps the most ridiculous decision every made in the United States by it’s federal government. It’s ridiculous enough to make the Rick Perrys and the Sarah Palins of the universe seem like frakin’ Mensa members.
According to the United States federal government, the seat of the democracy in the free world, a pizza is now a vegetable.
Now look, I will accept all manner of silly when it comes to food. For instance, I used to sometimes tell my vegetarian friends that I too was a veghead. To which they said, “Shut up and don’t eat with your mouth of steak.” To which I said (between bites to be polite) “Cows eat grass. Grass is a vegetable. I eat the cow. Ergo, I am a vegetarian.” What normally followed the launching of tofu at my head while I ran away cackling like the Joker.
But there does a come point when faced with the radioactive super-stupid, that that it ceases to be funny because it actually kills important brain cells.
So according to Congress, pizza can be sold as a healthy alternative in public schools because – and if you have an asthma inhaler, this is the part where you will want to get it out – is contains tomato sauce. Somehow, the bread, grease, meat, and whatever else is on there doesn’t count. The tomato sauce is what seals the deal.
Ok, so the first thing here is that A TOMATO IS A FRAKIN’ FRUIT! It’s not even a vegetable! IT’S JUST NOT! You cannot say four plus four equals nine because you the symmetry of having two letter Ns in a word.
I mean, how far gone do you have to be? That is like watching a deer get shot by a hunter and claiming the deer committed suicide. Or like saying the Sun goes around the Earth. Or like saying classic Battlestar Galactica is better than the re imagined Battlestar Galatica. Or that the Moebius Silver Surfer is better than than the Kirby Silver Surfer. OR THAT A TOMATO IS A VEGETABLE!
A tomato is a fruit. Like an orange. Or the stuff in the heads of the lawmakers who made this decision.
This doesn’t even touch the idea that a food stuff made up of several food groups gets reduced to the label “vegetable”. That is a tad like looking at the Winter Olympics and saying it’s a curling tournament.
This makes such little sense that I can feel myself getting dumber contemplating it. What’s the rationale? The food group pyramid is triangle shaped and pizza is often cut into the shape of triangles….so….well YOU explain it then!
Sorry, but if I continue down this road much longer, I might give myself a stroke. Uck.
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Stop the world. I wanna get off.