Random Funnies...

Bartonmd

Original poster
Member
Nov 20, 2011
545
Heard a new one from an IT buddy of mine, about the people who walk around 24/7 with their bluetooth headsets in, without using them...

"Doucheborgs" (welcome to the collective)
 

The_Roadie

Lifetime VIP Donor
Member
Nov 19, 2011
9,957
Portland, OR
Nice one.

My wife created one in college when she was the right seat map-reader for road rallying with me: Nagivator.
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
Thought For the Day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 

djthumper

Administrator
Nov 20, 2011
14,955
North Las Vegas
HARDTRAILZ said:
Thought For the Day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Thanks, I needed the laugh! :rotfl:
 

Bub

Member
Nov 21, 2011
159
That's almost as good as Steve Job's last tweet "idied"
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
Those are great!
 

Regulator

Member
Nov 20, 2011
2,496
:dielaugh:
 

Fishhunter911

Lifetime VIP Donor
Member
Nov 18, 2011
307
He is a load of SHUT THE F UP! Love it!!



6fdd5f6f_or3x48.gif
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
Thoughts

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
hooking.jpg
 

harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
The radioactive super-stupid: American pizza’s become a vegetable. :coffee:

grant.lafleche - November 17th, 2011

Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens, and the rest of you!

Once, I thought the phrase “The stupid, it burns,” was sufficient to capture a level of idiocy that tends to penetrate society. Politics, religion, Glee…it all seemed to be captured in those four magical words.

Alas, I was wrong.

See, I have now encountered a stupid that more than just burns. This is not ordinary stupid. This stupid is so stupid that stupid is a stupid word to use to describe it. It is worse than burning. It’s like direct exposure to nuclear waste that bakes you right away, and then slowly kills you one piece at a time over several years.
I refer to perhaps the most ridiculous decision every made in the United States by it’s federal government. It’s ridiculous enough to make the Rick Perrys and the Sarah Palins of the universe seem like frakin’ Mensa members.

According to the United States federal government, the seat of the democracy in the free world, a pizza is now a vegetable.

Now look, I will accept all manner of silly when it comes to food. For instance, I used to sometimes tell my vegetarian friends that I too was a veghead. To which they said, “Shut up and don’t eat with your mouth of steak.” To which I said (between bites to be polite) “Cows eat grass. Grass is a vegetable. I eat the cow. Ergo, I am a vegetarian.” What normally followed the launching of tofu at my head while I ran away cackling like the Joker.

But there does a come point when faced with the radioactive super-stupid, that that it ceases to be funny because it actually kills important brain cells.

So according to Congress, pizza can be sold as a healthy alternative in public schools because – and if you have an asthma inhaler, this is the part where you will want to get it out – is contains tomato sauce. Somehow, the bread, grease, meat, and whatever else is on there doesn’t count. The tomato sauce is what seals the deal.

Ok, so the first thing here is that A TOMATO IS A FRAKIN’ FRUIT! It’s not even a vegetable! IT’S JUST NOT! You cannot say four plus four equals nine because you the symmetry of having two letter Ns in a word.

I mean, how far gone do you have to be? That is like watching a deer get shot by a hunter and claiming the deer committed suicide. Or like saying the Sun goes around the Earth. Or like saying classic Battlestar Galactica is better than the re imagined Battlestar Galatica. Or that the Moebius Silver Surfer is better than than the Kirby Silver Surfer. OR THAT A TOMATO IS A VEGETABLE!

A tomato is a fruit. Like an orange. Or the stuff in the heads of the lawmakers who made this decision.

This doesn’t even touch the idea that a food stuff made up of several food groups gets reduced to the label “vegetable”. That is a tad like looking at the Winter Olympics and saying it’s a curling tournament.

This makes such little sense that I can feel myself getting dumber contemplating it. What’s the rationale? The food group pyramid is triangle shaped and pizza is often cut into the shape of triangles….so….well YOU explain it then!

Sorry, but if I continue down this road much longer, I might give myself a stroke. Uck.

**************

Stop the world. I wanna get off. :stars:
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
Random Fact: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
 

ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
HARDTRAILZ said:
Random Fact: Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

:wowfaint::yikes: That is a lot of pizzas lol
 

harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
The fact that someone out there gets paid to figure out that nonsense is what baffles me. :rotfl:
 

Wooluf1952

Member
Nov 20, 2011
2,663
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


Another
bit of history!
get-attachment.aspx








The History of the Middle Finger



Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I
know it,
I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the
hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?



Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree,
and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck
yew").




Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!




Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative
'F',
and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!




It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with
the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving the bird."






 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
 
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ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
HARDTRAILZ said:
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

:dielaugh::dielaugh::dielaugh: This is great!!!
 

TX BIG G

Member
Nov 21, 2011
22
HARDTRAILZ said:
Thought For the Day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Good one! lol!
 

TX BIG G

Member
Nov 21, 2011
22
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back.
 

harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
Keeping in line with the Geezer jokes... :biggrin:

THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

"This is My Love Dress." She replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

:rotfl:
 
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ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
harmless said:
Keeping in line with the Geezer jokes... :biggrin:

THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

"This is My Love Dress." She replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

:rotfl:

:rotfl::rotfl: really funny!!

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.

A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!" :duh::rotfl:
 
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ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
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Wooluf1952

Member
Nov 20, 2011
2,663
Milwaukee, Wisconsin


Kinky is using a
feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

'Yes,' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'






















The man replies: 'Well, wash your hands, I want a chicken sandwich.
 

ItsOnVoy

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,401
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
 
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harmless

Member
Nov 21, 2011
2,049
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

:rotfl:
 

HARDTRAILZ

Moderator
Nov 18, 2011
49,665
One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence.

The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The lawyer says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine."

"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine." "Look" says the lawyer, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck." "No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here in Vermont, we use the three kick rule."

"Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?" "I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up." "Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go." "I'll go first" says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin.

And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did IU get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the duck."
 
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