However in all seriousness, a bidet type device might be a good option. I was actually thinking of getting a portable one for RV'ing since TP can be a problem. It can also be a problem with septic systems.
and
on the RV adaptation. I'll look into that for my own trailer, now.
And, yes... bidets can be very useful (I can't believe we're having an extended discussion on them, but what the hey... we're captive observers right now)
As it turns out, there are reports of municipal sewage systems over here beginning to have problems with ppl flushing the cleansing wipes down the toilets (not the bathroom wipes, which were a problem to begin with... these are even worse). So, yeah... bidets would be great. Less harvesting of paper, too.
There are bidets that can heat the water at the destination; I've seen them. Dunno if there are any that would detect 'seat pressure' and automagically turn on the heater; they probably have some sort of t-stat that cyclically regulates the temp.
I'm heading out to the garage. If you find the 'be-all / end-all' ass-washer (US version), let us know! 🚽 (can't believe Amzn let that description stand, but you'd be surprised at some of the things they do sell, too)