strat81 said:
I generally agree with you (and congrats on 39 years of marriage!
).
However, one thing I have noticed is that when people don't have any skin in the game, they tend not to care. That is, if someone isn't paying for it, working for it, etc., they tend to treat that item, project, or activity with less respect and care. This goes beyond the husband/wife relationship - I've seen it with employers/employees, parents/children, and roommates.
Of course, it's not always like this in every circumstance. When mutual respect and trust exist, things go smoothly. When trust and respect do not exist, we end up with problems.
If the wife can't be trusted to take care of a nice vehicle, then maybe a bread-winning spouse shouldn't provide a nice vehicle. Plenty of 20+ year old beater SUVs out there that the OPs wife can use to go bounding down unpaved roads.
I don't agree with this at all...I'm a stay at home mom to 4 children. I take care of household needs, children's needs, and with a small income I also take care of certain finances. My husband makes all my truck payments for me even though the truck is in my name only, and it would drive most husbands nuts with how much time and effort I put into taking care of my truck, that I don't pay a dime for(besides gas once in a while). I wash, wax, and detail every inch of it at least once a week(I dont wax it that much though). I pay attention to all the regular maintenance, and all the uh oh's this thing has thrown at us, and I even offer a helping hand crawling into tight area's and getting dirty. Once again...I don't and have not made a single payment for this truck either. So as far as people having the mindset of, "If I didn't pay for it, I'm not taking care of it" kind of seems far fetched. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen because it does unfortunately, but in my opinion it's more the teens/children who do have this mindset. And with most adults, if they are like that, it's usually seen before you marry or enter a long term relationship, which then if you marry them anyways, you get to deal with it.
Separating spouses by how much they make is just nonsense. It's truly unfair. As a stay at home mom, this hits home a bit. Because if it weren't for me, and a lot of other wives/moms, my husband wouldn't be able to go out and make the money he does make. Even though I am not the main bread winner in the household, I still very much pull my equal weight in the marriage.
TollKeeper said:
Have not read thru the whole thread.. But..
Most ladies, mine included, dont appreciate a good gesture of hard work, or endulged time on to them, unless it is directly for them. The majority of them dont veiw it as a nice gesture of time, or hard work, but more of a insult of, in this case, the truck looked like shit, and since you wont wash it, I will.
And spending all your time to make your truck look like a million bucks, while hers doesnt, is also a futile batte. That turns into a "mines better than yours", almost a dick swinging contest.
The only way for this to be a Win/Win battle for the both of you, is for both of you to do the job. And this involves a comunication factor with your lady, to let her know that the work needs to be done, and this is the day I have planned for this.
Knowing most women, she will say that she has a mani/pedi that day, and yes this will require a rescheduleing of events, but it will eventually get done.
My wife, who read this post, completely agrees with me...
No offense to you women out there, but for most of you, anniversary dates are important. For most men, just getting thru the week without pissing you off enough to put us in the dog house is a batte. I will be damned if I am going to remember some damn date on top of that.
So humor us, and let us think that what we are doing is also important. Because it is to us...
Brian, I agree to the point that a lot of women are mainly satisfied when gestures are directed towards them, and they don't take the time to notice what effort their husbands put forth. I feel for those men, I really do. I try to say Thank You to mine for everything he does whether it's a thoughtful gesture towards me, or just for being the man that he is. So what if the anniversary date was missed....all that should matter is that he is still there. Just because a man misses an anniversary does not mean he doesn't love you or isn't thoughtful. Waking up, going to work, helping with kids, helping to cook, clean, or just sitting and cuddling should be enough.
BUT, I also have to say that the lack of communication is the cause for a lot of issues within a relationship. When you wash her truck, let her know you would appreciate it if she worked a bit harder actually keeping it clean. And don't say it in a way where she has to read your mind or guess at hints. Tell her, I worked hard cleaning both truck, your truck or whatever and I would appreciate it if a little effort was taken in keeping it clean. Communication is key here, granted the effort should be put forth despite having to say anything, but some people need to be told certain things. I know I get upset when I spend a lot of time cleaning something, whether it's the truck or the house or laundry and what not, and it ends up getting dirty 5 minutes later, but you must really choose your battles, because some just aren't worth fighting because the reality of it is quite clear. With 4 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats and 2 adults....a house just cannot stay clean for 5 minutes, it's damn near impossible, so if I ask hubby to wash dishes, and I come home to a plate and 4 glasses in the sink, I don't bitch because at some point it's going to get dirty again, it's just how things work sometimes. A truck can't stay clean forever, even one that stays locked in a garage, it's inevitable. Communication, equality, forgiveness, and choosing your battles is always the advice I give to others.
but we all have different priorities.
)
One thing that's contributed to our happy marriage of 39 years (in six weeks) is that we NEVER bring the earning proportion into any discussions. We're equal partners in the marriage, and keep very little money in separate slush funds. For the first ten years of marriage, we earned approximately equally - me as an engineer and her as an IT manager. Then the stress was ruining her health and she stepped back from the management side and ended up doing what was her passion, working in high-end sewing machine sales and support. When I was out of work for 15 months, she never gave me heat for contributing less. Now I'm back to work, and she's starting up a quilt shop and taking no salary until it's profitable (6-12 months). Earning more doesn't entitle anyone to more votes, IMHO. It only drives a wedge into the relationship and fosters resentment.