Old joke
- Thread starter Ghoster
- Start date
Wyle
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- Dec 4, 2011
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- 200
Yep. Heard/saw that one a few years ago.
But one of my longstanding favorites ...
What goes VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH -
But one of my longstanding favorites ...
What goes VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH - VRRRROOOOOMMMM - SCREEEEEEECH -
A blonde trying to go through a flashing red light.
Mark20
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- Joined
- Dec 6, 2011
- Posts
- 1,630
Riddle
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation safely ?
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation safely ?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Regulator
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- Joined
- Nov 20, 2011
- Posts
- 2,496
(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story. but it helps !!!! )
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set
up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you
how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that
every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small
variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective
fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed
across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t
get ticked-off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got
the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new
project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve
their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too
stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and
everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using
high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever
a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and
someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing
another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project:
amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the
scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were
gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before
looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after
three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen
a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an
investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the
report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any
defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were
good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of
the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty
boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause
he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang,”
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set
up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you
how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that
every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small
variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective
fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed
across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t
get ticked-off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got
the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new
project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve
their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too
stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and
everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using
high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever
a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and
someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing
another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project:
amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the
scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were
gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before
looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after
three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen
a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an
investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the
report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any
defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were
good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of
the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty
boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause
he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang,”
bigytwotone
Member
Ghoster that one is funny but true. i hate to say this but my best-friends mother asked me that very question and i was confused the only reason i figured it out was be cause i sat there and staired at my car at the time and poped the hood and my oil cap was on and was upside down in my direction and i got it i nearly keeled over laughing.
Short Bus
Member
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- Dec 2, 2011
- Posts
- 1,906
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2011
- Posts
- 49,665
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer, because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with one of her friends.
Her friend suggested, "There may be a way of selling that car, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Right," replied her friend, "here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on her friend's advice.
About one month after that, her friend saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
__________________________________________________________________________
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Her friend suggested, "There may be a way of selling that car, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Right," replied her friend, "here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on her friend's advice.
About one month after that, her friend saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
__________________________________________________________________________
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Hatchet
Member
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2011
- Posts
- 2,405
well since were on old jokes (i dont have the time to start on blonde jokes)
heres an oldie but goodie
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"
Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"
Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
heres an oldie but goodie
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"
Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"
Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
____________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed but somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...
The next year I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
____________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed but somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...
