Jokes and Riddles

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
1644248263169.png

This reminds me of a old couple I would work with one day a week years ago. Sue mentioned once "that you know you are getting old when all of your kids are collecting social security". And their kids all were. And it still makes sense to me today :yes::yes:
 

flyboy2610

Registered Member
Aug 24, 2021
196
Lincoln, Ne.
I've been round filing all the AARP mail for 10 years. Have never opened a single one. Don't plan to, either.
 
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Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
Dad Jokes:
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange . You'd think he was from
Mad-at-gas-car.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden. The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...I was just sitting there doing nothing.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I saw an old man fall into a well today! I guess he couldn't see that well.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the army is? Every time I ask someone, they tell me "it's private."

My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
 

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
The next time someone gives you a line of B.S. or they deserve some - use this line:

"That's bovine scatology"

& to help with the definitions you may need, here are the two important words in this sentence...

Bovine: relating to or affecting cattle (like a bull) AKA: BULL

Scatology: an interest in or preoccupation with excrement and excretion.
wikipedia: In medicine and biology, scatology or coprology is the study of feces. Scatological studies allow one to determine a wide range of biological information about a creature, including its diet, health and diseases such as tapeworms. Wikipedia AKA: SHIT.

translation: "That's bovine scatology" = Bull Shit :rotfl:
 
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flyboy2610

Registered Member
Aug 24, 2021
196
Lincoln, Ne.
A magician was putting on a show at a local auditorium. After performing one particularly awe inspiring trick, a man in the audience called out "Can you tell me how you did that?"
The magician replied "I could, but then I'd have to kill you!"
The man was quiet for a moment and then asked "Well, could you tell my wife?"
 

flyboy2610

Registered Member
Aug 24, 2021
196
Lincoln, Ne.
On the Red Green show once they were playing The Possum Lodge Word Game, where the contestant has 30 seconds to guess the secret word based on clues given by the host.
Red Green was trying to get Dalton Humphrey to guess the word 'boxers'.
Red: OK, Dalton, this has a ring, two people, and they're fighting like crazy.
Dalton: Marriage.
 

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
This dude probably a Ford owner...
along with some village missing it's local idiot...
& for all our law enforcement officers, don't you wish you had a couple of folks do this on your shift?

Florida man calls 911 to have meth tested for authenticity, deputies say​


1647126144428.png
SPRING HILL, Fla. - A Spring Hill man is accused of calling 911 to have the methamphetamine he recently purchased from a man he met at an area bar tested because he believed it was really bath salts.

According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, Thomas Eugene Colucci made the emergency call around 7 p.m. on Thursday.
Deputies say Colucci told them that he is an experienced drug user who's used methamphetamine in the past and knew what it should feel like. When it didn’t produce the expected sensation, he decided to call authorities. Colucci then produced two small baggies, each containing a white crystal-like substance, and handed them over to the deputy.

Colucci told deputies he wanted his methamphetamine tested because he did not want other people to purchase "fake" methamphetamine from the person who sold it to him. He wanted deputies to "put the person in trouble" for selling dangerous drugs. However, he was unable to provide a name or any contact info for this individual.


As requested, a deputy performed a field test on a sample of the white crystal-like substance from each of the baggies and both baggies tested positive for methamphetamine, according to HCSO.

Deputies arrested Colucci, who said he was having chest pains after being placed in the back of a patrol vehicle.

After being cleared by a physician at an area hospital Colucci was taken to the Hernando County Detention Center.

He has been charged with possession of methamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia.


You Just Can't Make This Stuff UP!
 

flyboy2610

Registered Member
Aug 24, 2021
196
Lincoln, Ne.
Nobody ever said you had to be smart to be a criminal.

I read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
Ernest confused.png
 

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

maybe, but for us we need the ignition switch too.
 

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
We should legalize cannabis in all 50 states,
use the taxes to repair roads and
highways & call it operation pothole.
says Bill Murray
---------------------------------------
I said to my doctor, "I think
I might have ADHD, because
I can't remember where I
parked my Ford!"

The doctor replies "That's not how ADHD works."
I said, "But I keep losing my Focus!"

----------------------------------
Which american President was least guilty?
Lincoin
why? because he was IN A CENT

all courtesy of youtube
 
Last edited:

Redbeard

Guru
Jan 26, 2013
3,062
With only four hours left on this Mother's day I read this. I do wish I had seen it yesterday:

Question for "What are you doing for Mother's day?"

Letting my wife sleep in for Mother's Day before I wake her to ask what's for breakfast.
 

Tinker

Registered Member
Aug 26, 2021
23
Southern Ontario
Security

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 

TollKeeper

Platinum Donor
Dec 3, 2011
6,711
Brighton, CO
Security

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
But is it covered in its own shit, pee, and puke?
 
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Tinker

Registered Member
Aug 26, 2021
23
Southern Ontario
Oil change (Women vs. Men)

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check.

Money spent:
Oil Change $30.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $31.00
=================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up, spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Open another beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Open another beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Cuss.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because your wrench hit your new tool box.
36) Open another beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Open another beer.
39) Open another beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Open another beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush the remaining case of new motor oil!
44) Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Open another Beer.
46) Test drive truck.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Truck gets impounded.
49) Call wife, to make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
 

Mooseman

Master Blaster
Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
22,325
Ottawa, ON
That is a really old one. I think it was one of the first internet jokes I ever read. Proof it's that old, first steps is to write a check. Who still writes checks (or cheques) to pay for an oil change, auto parts and beer??? And step 8, use a 9/16 wrench. Now that's older than the internet!

To modernize it a bit, could add a step of watching YouTube videos on how to do the oil change, oil filters taken apart and compared as well as read a million posts in forums on which oil is the best.
 
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Mooseman

Master Blaster
Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
22,325
Ottawa, ON
Actually, it can be re-written:

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Wait an hour because they're swamped and short staffed.
3) Get a free coffee.
4) The tech says you're due for a new air cabin filter and wipers. You agree and he replaces them.
5) 60 minutes later, pay with credit card.
6) Driving down the highway, you get low oil pressure messages, lights go on and blow up the engine due to Jiffy Lube (insert mistake here) and losing all the oil.
7) Wait 3 hours for the tow truck because they are swamped and short staffed.
8) Lose job because you're late again.
9) Have engine replaced.
10) Wait 3 months because of a lack of parts and the shop is short staffed. Pay with credit card.
11) Hire a lawyer to sue the Jiffy Lube.
12) A year later, lose court case. Pay lawyer with credit card.
13) Get car repossessed because you couldn't make the payments anymore.
14) Buy a clunker because that's all you can afford.
15) Send clunker to scrap because it won't pass safety due to extreme rust.
16) Buy a bus pass

Money spent:
Oil Change $350.00 (including cabin filter and wipers)
Tow: $150
Engine replacement: $4695
Lawyer: $3000
Clunker: $500
Bus pass: $50
Credit card interest: $600
Total $8745.00+

Losing your job: Priceless

At least the coffee was free!

=================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until the weekend to do the oil change when 3000 miles comes up since the last oil change.
2) Watch some YouTube videos comparing oil filters and how to do the oil change properly.
3) Read up posts on internet forums for your specific vehicle to find which is the best oil for it.
4) Go to Walmart and pick the oil filter and oil YOU want. At the same time, figure you also need an air cabin filter and wipers. Also pick up a bag of kitty litter just in case of a spill. Pay cash.
5) Weekend arrives, make yourself a coffee, drive the vehicle up the ramps and lay an old piece of cardboard on the ground.
6) Do the oil change as per the YouTube video.
7) While oil is draining, replace the cabin filter and wipers.
8) A little oil spilled onto the cardboard. Don't care.
9) Replace the drain plug torqued to proper spec, install new oil filter lubing the gasket properly and fill with oil of proper spec and quality.
10) An hour later, drive off the ramps, check oil level, add a little to bring it to full.
11) Go to work on Monday. Drop off used oil at Jiffy Lube on your way to work.

Money spent:

Oil, filter and kitty litter: $75
Cabin filter and wipers: $25
Coffee: $0.25
Cardboard: free
Your time: free

Total: $100.25

Not having to listen to your wife for an hour saying it's easier and cheaper to just go to Jiffy Lube and get a free coffee, priceless!
 

TollKeeper

Platinum Donor
Dec 3, 2011
6,711
Brighton, CO
Or a 3rd variant......

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches the indicated miles on the sticker.
2) Wait an hour because they're swamped and short staffed.
3) Get a free coffee.
4) The tech says you're due for a new air cabin filter and wipers. You agree and he replaces them.
5) Tech asks if you knew that it has been 53000 miles since your last oil change? Sticker says 38000 miles, and you read it as 88000 miles. He also advises you that you are really low on oil and the level isnt even indicating on the dipstick, and since you didnt know you needed to check the oil inbetween oil changes, and dont know how, you give him a blank stare. Tech advises a engine flush due to the oil being thick and sludgey. You agree.
6) 60 minutes later, pay with credit card.
7) Driving down the highway, you get low oil pressure messages, lights go on and blow up the engine due to your inability to read a simple oil change sticker.
8) Wait 3 hours for the tow truck because they are swamped and short staffed.
9) Lose job because you're late again.
10) Have engine replaced.
11) Wait 3 months because of a lack of parts and the shop is short staffed. Pay with credit card.
12) Hire a lawyer to sue the Jiffy Lube because you cant read
13) A year later, lose court case. Pay lawyer with credit card.
14) Get car repossessed because you couldn't make the payments anymore.
15) Buy a clunker because that's all you can afford.
16) Send clunker to scrap because it won't pass safety due to extreme rust.
17) Buy a bus pass

Money spent:
Oil Change $400.00 (including engine flush, cabin filter and wipers)
Tow: $150
Engine replacement: $4695
Lawyer: $3000
Clunker: $500
Bus pass: $50
Credit card interest: $605
Total $8800.00+

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until the weekend to do the oil change when 3000 miles comes up since the last oil change.
2) Watch some YouTube videos comparing oil filters and how to do the oil change properly.
3) Read up posts on internet forums for your specific vehicle to find which is the best oil for it.
4) Go to Autozone and pick the oil filter and oil YOU want. At the same time, figure you also need an air cabin filter and wipers. Also pick up a bag of kitty litter just in case of a spill. Pay cash.
5) Weekend arrives, make yourself a coffee, put the vehicle up on jack stands and lay an old piece of cardboard on the ground.
6) Do the oil change as per the YouTube video.
7) Scream and cuss because the oil filter wont go on, not realizing that the counter guy at AutoZone gave you the wrong oil filter.
8) Call for a round trip fare at a taxi/Uber/Lyft service to go to AutoZone to exchange oil filter
9) Counter guy at AutoZone refuses to do the exchange because the oil filter is used
10) Spit bullets, and buy the correct oil filter (you hope)
11) Get home to find your vehicle has fall off the Harbor Freight jack stands, and has fallen sideways knocking over the center support post in your garage, making your garage partially collapse. A small electrical fire has now started in your attic.
12) Call fire dept, hoping they get their quickly. The fire spreads thru the garage, but not the house. Your thankful of that. The car is a total loss.

Money spent:

Oil, filter, and second filter, and kitty litter: $85
Cabin filter and wipers: $25
Coffee: $0.25
Cardboard: free
Your time: free
Uber: $75
Insurance deductible for car: $1000
Insurance deductible on house: $5000
Newer car because the market is crazy: $15000 (plus the insurance payout)
Tax, Title, License: $2500

Total: $23685.25

Not having to listen to your wife for an hour saying it's easier and cheaper to just go to Jiffy Lube and wishing you had, very expensive!
 

Mooseman

Master Blaster
Moderator
Dec 4, 2011
22,325
Ottawa, ON
So what you're saying is oil changes are expensive no matter what. :laugh:
 
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TollKeeper

Platinum Donor
Dec 3, 2011
6,711
Brighton, CO
Reminds me...
Mine's due for an oil change.
So is mine.. And I still gotta do the TC, FD, RD, transmission I think is good.
 

TollKeeper

Platinum Donor
Dec 3, 2011
6,711
Brighton, CO
Reminds me when I once asked my youngest (mechanically declined) son if he had changed his oil recently, he replied, " I looked at the oil gauge and it was above half, so I'm good".
First time I read that, I thought.. Well at least he checked his oil level..

Read it again today and realized he said gauge.. Your screwed!

Jeff dunham peanut Memes
 

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